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#1 2007-10-09 22:59:51

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Werewolf in the shadows

Werewolf in the shadows
                    By: Rachel Plumb           
Being edited.

Last edited by punxnotdead (2008-05-26 12:45:29)


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"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
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#2 2007-10-09 23:22:24

Grey_Tsume
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Registered: 2007-05-01
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Re: Werewolf in the shadows

sweet this is awsome. are you going to continue the other story


Pain is good....it lets you know your alive.
Boredom is an ugly thing.

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#3 2007-10-10 02:29:04

Grayle
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Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Interesting Prologue - using history to set the tone, but keeping it sort enough to not tell too much.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#4 2007-10-10 13:11:30

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
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Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Gray_T I won't be resuming my other story, I had too much trouble thinking of a continuation. Sorry. But I'll post some tonight.


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#5 2007-10-10 20:26:59

Niktoma
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Registered: 2007-07-20
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Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Sick!  I really like it!

(Amongst my people, 'sick' is a good thing.  It's even better than 'sweet'.)


'OK, how about werewolves?' said the voice eventually.
'What do they look like?' asked the kid.
'Ah, well, they look perfectly normal right up to the point where they grow all, like, hair and teeth and giant paws and leap through the window at you,' said the voice.

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#6 2007-10-10 20:33:16

Grey_Tsume
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Registered: 2007-05-01
Posts: 201

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Whatever roll

This is pure sweetness


Pain is good....it lets you know your alive.
Boredom is an ugly thing.

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#7 2007-10-10 20:34:47

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Thank you, this next section is is more informative and after the fourth page it begins the first action sequence. If it is in any way confusing, please tell me smile Here are two pages, I'll post more in two days. Enjoy!

Being edited.

Last edited by punxnotdead (2008-05-26 12:49:20)


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#8 2007-10-10 22:09:50

Grey_Tsume
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Registered: 2007-05-01
Posts: 201

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

nice start but the conversations are hard to follow. Them embedded in the paragraph and all.
Pure Sweetness


Pain is good....it lets you know your alive.
Boredom is an ugly thing.

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#9 2007-10-11 01:52:23

Grayle
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Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Okay, now it's going to be very very interesting to see how the prologue ties in with the story.

I'd like to offer a suggestion, if I may:
In agreement with Grey's comment, it may be easier for the reader to follow the conversation if you start a new line when you switch between characters as they are talking. It's just an effective way to keep track of who's saying what.
Just a thought.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#10 2007-10-11 21:44:23

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Alrighty, I'll take your advice and fix it up. Thank you!


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#11 2007-10-12 17:51:59

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

*Been edited...

Last edited by punxnotdead (2008-05-26 12:51:31)


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#12 2007-10-13 01:10:57

Grayle
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Registered: 2007-09-04
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Re: Werewolf in the shadows

See?! See?!
Stuff like this is exactly why I'm so terrified of needles.

No reason to tear up your story. The pace was well set and the conflict between the characters is decently balanced. I'm looking forward to seeing how it develops.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#13 2007-10-13 21:07:28

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Thanks; I do tend to be critical of my stories because I always feel like there's a problem with them. Like too much action at once or too boring for long periods of time. It's difficult for me to gather the courage to post stories, because I seem to have a problem with my own work. I have only been writing for a year, but I think I've improved somewhat?


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#14 2007-10-14 04:23:11

Grayle
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Re: Werewolf in the shadows

The best way to improve any talent or skill is to exercise it, punx. I think you're doing great.
  I can say this from experience, though it sounds a bit cliche: you will be your own worst critic. Some people will appreciate your work, but never give praise or encouragement. Others will give false praises, and still others will only talk about your work to other people.
  People here in the Werewolf Cafe don't fall into those groups. Personally, I strive incessantly to avoid being any part off any of those groups. I encourage good work to continue, and comment on aspects that I appreciate, or that strike my attention. For me, Story is king, and I love to follow the posted stories here in the Cafe.
  Your story, punx, is well worth following.

Last edited by Grayle (2007-10-14 04:23:35)


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#15 2007-10-15 00:38:42

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Thanks...haha, yah, it is; but I guess alot of people are that way.
This is the first story that I've actually followed through with; so I think I'll stick to it, no matter how few or how many comments I receive on the way. I might be able to post tomorrow, but I have a test to study for, so sadly, I didn't get any writing in.


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#16 2007-10-16 18:58:17

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

*Been edited.

Last edited by punxnotdead (2008-05-26 12:56:05)


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#17 2007-10-18 18:23:34

Grayle
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Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
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Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Crowell seems to be a more complex character than I originally thought. First, he's ready and willing to kill Alex for the sake of his mysterious project, but then he's willing to just let him go free and clear. Whatever he did to Alex, he doesn't seem the slightest bit concerned with the consequences, even though his doctors are disturbed with the idea of letting him go. That adds a sinister feeling to the Crowell character - giving him the air of a sociopath. Very nice.
The reader can really relate to Alex, mostly because we're we're all saying the same things along with him:
         What the heck is really going on?
         What did Crowell mean, 'he's one of them'?
         Why can't public buses be more frequent? (jk)
Just be careful not to keep the audience hanging for too long before you give a few explanations; remember what happened to Lost.

Last edited by Grayle (2007-10-18 18:28:03)


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#18 2007-10-18 19:27:26

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

*Been edited.

Last edited by punxnotdead (2008-05-26 12:59:10)


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#19 2007-10-20 21:33:56

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Okay, I just edited it, so hopefully it's a bit better.

*Been edited...

Last edited by punxnotdead (2007-10-24 19:55:23)


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#20 2007-10-21 00:59:54

CatWolf4891
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From: California
Registered: 2007-03-08
Posts: 564

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

I'd still like to read more of your story.  It's very complex in the beginning the recent paragraphs have been "finger-lickin good" ^^; (can't...form...proper...words).


The Full Moon to humans is just a rock; The Full Moon to me is a symbol of freedom and release
A Howl to humans scare them; A Howl to me is a harmonious song...
And I Howl back.
I am SUCH the Romantic big_smile   Awwoooooooooo!

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#21 2007-10-21 01:55:29

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
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Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Wow oh wow, punx!
  Your descriptions of the apartment and its complex were very vivid. Your descriptions of Alex's pain during the fight sequence, and even the fight sequence itself, were just plain riveting!
  Very Well done.
  I did notice a few things about the character reactions; not biggies to worry about, but I thought I might bring them to your attention. I can post them here, or email them to you if you'd prefer.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#22 2007-10-21 20:48:15

punxnotdead
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From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Thank you guys, really...You can post about the characters here if you would perfer it.


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#23 2007-10-23 14:39:30

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Well, my concern was with the reactions on the part of the teacher and the medical people. Keep in mind, I may be off-base here.

I would think that if Alex was quaking that violently and blood was spilling onto the floor of the classroom, Mrs. Ludwig would have noticed earlier on, since her students are in her care. She just seemed to be a little calloused toward Alex's plight when he was having difficulty walking up to the board and writing on it.   
In my experience, medical staff don't usually let you leave on your own from ER if you arrive in an ambulance. It's sometimes more like "You don't leave until we say you can leave," if you take my meaning. If Alex was suddenly feeling better and his vitals stabilized, that might deceive them enough to let him leave.
  Granted, with the amount of animosity infecting the world today, maybe this insensitivity happens more than I think. I just bring this up because in many stories, the reactions of the people around the main characters usually need to be just as developed and believable as the main character himself in order for the audience to relate to the main character's predicament. 
 
  That being said, I'm enjoying this story. Alex's whole world has been turned upside-down, and it's going to be interesting how he brings it back under control. I have to read your fight sequence another few times. You wrote Alex's internal conflicts (mental and physical) and the physical actions so well that I simply need to learn as much as I can from it.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#24 2007-10-23 17:12:39

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Oooo, thankyou for pointing that out...I'm sure you're right...Not to contradict you, but I saw this one show about places in the US that don't treat people without healthcare and those that can't afford it...but I will change that part as soon as I can...I was rushing...Thanks
Rachel


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#25 2007-10-23 22:52:08

LoupGarouAngel
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From: USA
Registered: 2006-09-20
Posts: 5420
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Re: Werewolf in the shadows

Frickin' insanely awesome Punx!!!big_smile


"You're like one of those lab rats that hits the pleasure button instead of the food until it dies!" Sam-Houses of the Holy.
"Dude, you Fugly." Dean-Scarecrow.
A therian who's a wanna be screenwriter, but doesn't have a life story that fits the bill...
http://loupgarouangel.deviantart.com/

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