The Werewolf Café / Werewolf in the shadows

Grayle · 2007-11-20 10:21:21

No problem at all, Punx.
Unfortunately, all of our stories have to take second-fiddle to life in general, and marks are more important, like Niktoma said.
Granted, it will be difficult for us to wait, but we can do it. There's no way to deny that your story is worth the wait.
Hang in there Punx.

ooooooh - one last thought....
Do you have any email addresses for your teachers, so that we can let them know what a fantastic writer you are? Maybe we can simply provide them with a link to your story; that way they can appreciate what you've shared with us. I just think that they should really know what we know, you know?

Last edited by Grayle (2007-11-20 13:17:55)

punxnotdead · 2007-11-20 14:44:58

Haha, thank you, I can usually get about ten minutes in at luch breaks (which is what I'm doing right now). I could and would never show my teachers my story, I'd be so embarassed :s
But maybe when it's completed I'll give it a second thought
No one in my family has read it yet, it's strictly for the internet

It's no problem if you post or not Niktoma, I enjoy sharing my story with all of you.

Niktoma · 2007-11-20 19:51:22

I understand what you mean, Punx, about sharing, it can be quite fun. But you do deserve recognition, even if it's just me telling you that your stories rock.

punxnotdead · 2007-11-21 23:45:47

Okay, here's some more. For my final draft I'm considering elaborating to discriptions, conversations, and information, but I'm not exactly sure where or how much is needed. Any thoughts are welcomed. I know, I'm horrible with dialogue, which is why I substitute action.

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Grayle · 2007-11-22 18:05:58

It's sequences like this that are necessary, but still challenge avid writers because they don't fit into one's preferred writing style.
Believe me, I feel your pain, Punx.
However, I think you did very well.
There were a few repeats of points that could be consolidated, and maybe a few others that could be elaborated upon, but it's nothing that a late-night proofread of the draft wouldn't fix. No worries there.
I really like the fact that you are adding some character development to Steven. It's going to be interesting to see how he comes along. I also love your angle on introducing the audience to more information about Crowell by having Alex read biographies on him.
Just a thought - if you find yourself having difficulty writing the bio on Crowell, doing some research on large companies and tycoons may possibly give you some ideas as to how to describe Crowell's bio.

punxnotdead · 2007-11-22 20:05:19

Ooo, good point, I'll do some research on them and maybe change some factors in my story...it may make it more believable.
Thank you!

punxnotdead · 2007-11-23 20:12:06

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Last edited by punxnotdead (2007-11-23 22:10:41)

Grayle · 2007-11-23 21:52:16

Very Nice, Punx!
I really like how you begin to instill compassion in your protagonist, but conversely degenerate the antagonist with cruelty. The positive is balanced with the negative. Very nice!
With the amount of ferocity you give to Crowell, I was happy to see you describe the henchmen seeing a familiar glimmer of insanity. There's no doubt he's unstable, and even his workers acknowledge it. That was a wonderful touch that is often times ignored or overlooked in stories. Again, well done!
Quick little point - You may want to review the names of the henchmen you used. I think you might have put a 'Stanley' where you intended a 'Brutus' to be.
Please write more, Punx! But only when you can... no hurries..

Last edited by Grayle (2007-11-23 21:58:54)

punxnotdead · 2007-11-23 22:12:12

Oopps, I forgot a paragraph at the top of my post, I fix it up, so hopefully it wont be too hard to understand.

LoupGarouAngel · 2007-11-23 23:06:50

Damn Punx!I just got a chance to catch up and it is just suberbly(is that a word...?)awesome and amazing!!
Please keep up the great work,you have such talents that must not be wasted!

punxnotdead · 2007-11-25 17:14:51

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Grayle · 2007-11-25 17:56:16

The plot thickens...
I adored your description of the outside scene and the interiour of the tavern in the first paragraphs. You have such descriptive talents!
So, as soon as Alex meets up with the rogues, someone else meets up with them too. This is really nice - it keeps the reader wondering how Alex is going to survive this entanglement, as well as what the other characters are going to assume as regards his involvement, but it's not too complicated that we can't follow the sequence.
Even so, there was a lot happening in this scene, and you did a great job keeping all the important factors fresh in the mind of the reader.
There are also a lot of questions sprouting in the mind of the reader, and it's going to be very interesting to find out what the answers are as the story continues.
You've got me riveted to my seat, here..

punxnotdead · 2007-11-27 19:06:39

Here's some more. Should I expand on it?
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WolfMontana · 2007-11-27 22:59:43

okay, SCREW THIS BLOODY DECAPITALIZING FORKING FILTER!!

This is my freaking post:

<--- (translation: awesome!)

GGGRRRRRRRAAARRR! *stomps off*

Last edited by WolfMontana (2007-11-27 23:00:58)

Grayle · 2007-11-28 00:21:16

Very interesting action sequence, Punx! And you used variations of the word "brandish" twice! Cool! I also loved your descriptions of the breathing difficulties and the heavy heartbeats.
It will be interesting to see if anything develops from someone effectively saving Alex's life by pushing him out of the tavern.
It was very unique that Alex blacked out after the transformation this time as the beast within takes over completely, yet you complete the sequence from the Beast's viewpoint.
You miiiight want to be careful in one aspect:
Most of the story has been told from the viewpoints of either Alex (beast or not) or Crowell. With this in mind, the section from Stanley's viewpoint kind of seems out of place - although the storytelling from his viewpoint is superb, don't get me wrong. Of course, the only two suggestions I can make are to eliminate that section, or add more sections from Stanley's viewpoint, perhaps 'leapfrogging' Alex's viewpoint from when he enters the tavern. Anyway, just something to think about.
At any rate, keep it coming when you can, please!

punxnotdead · 2007-11-30 23:22:10

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Grayle · 2007-12-01 17:23:37

I like it!
Your plot is developing nicely, punx. I also really appreciate the amount of development you are attributing to Olivia and her pack.
The action of the sequence was also very easy to follow.
Great job!

punxnotdead · 2007-12-03 19:57:43

I'm not sure about this segment, please tell me if there's something wrong with it. Thanks!

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Niktoma · 2007-12-04 08:47:34

Huzzah!

I love this, Punx, it's so much fun!

I love it when people make the right conclusion right away! Nothing is more frustrating than watching scientists, doctors, and the like ignore the evidence in front of them!

Grayle · 2007-12-04 13:32:19

Amen! I highly agree with Niktoma's assessment!
Casting the doctor as older was a smart move too. His wisdom would help him to accept the unbelievable - especially since he was aware of similar situations. Of course, the doctor may be plagued with an insatiable curiosity as well. It will be interesting to see if Alex just gained an ally or perhaps even a sounding board with the doctor.
I know you're not sure about this segment, Punx, but it works pretty darn well. The only difficulty I had was when Alex was dealing with his wound. I just found it a little confusing as to the sequence of events, but I think it was just me. I suppose that maybe you could add a few things like the doctor closing the door and talking to Alex about the other cases in hushed tones, just to increase the idea of confidentiality. Having the doctor introduce himself after entering the room would be a realistic touch, too, I guess.
But even as it stands, I really liked this segment as a whole. The pace was well manipulated, the tone was appropriate to the scenes, and your descriptions were as graceful and exquisite as always.
Very well done, Punx!

punxnotdead · 2007-12-04 14:04:10

Thank you, I'll definately elaborate on the final draft...it's really going to help the outcome!

punxnotdead · 2007-12-05 21:19:18

Wow, it took me a while to find this thread...soooo many hikus....nonetheless, here's more.

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Grayle · 2007-12-05 21:44:10

Crowell. God, I hate that man.

Archer's company can't be the only one in town, and maybe Alex will qualify for unemployment... Ah, I'm thinking too much into it, aren't I?
Very well described, Punx. I really like Steven as Alex's friend, so it will be interesting to see what Steven does next. It's circumstances like these that identify one's true friends.
I also loved your telling of Alex's reactions. It wasn't too much, but it wasn't too little either. I really feel for the guy.

I'm really loving this story, Punx. A lot.

LoupGarouAngel · 2007-12-05 21:44:35

Friggin' awesome stuff Punx!
I totally love it and admire your style,I mean just everything flows so great!

Grey_Tsume · 2007-12-06 00:09:49

I like your name's did you get Brutus from Julius Caesar?

#51 2007-11-20 10:21:21

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#52 2007-11-20 14:44:58

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