Okay, I wanted to space the action out, so I added a little segment, just so it's not all too overwhelming.

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What Grayle said and more,your style is just so flowing and easy to follw,your words seamless and perfectly fitting.Just great Punx!

What a place to end the segment! Talk about a cliff Hanger! Hope you can add the next segment soon; this really has my attention!
I noticed Alex's suspicion, but where was it directed? Was that a suspicion toward Steven's intentions, or the environment? I wasn't sure.
I'm really enjoying the friendship with the two. Even though Alex seems to tolerate Steven, Steven is showing true friendship with his concern, persistence in sticking with Alex, and yet still respects his viewpoints. 
No pressure, but bring more on as soon as you can!

Wow. Absolutely and undeniably... Wow.
  Your use of adjectives and descriptive talents never ever ever cease to amaze, Punx. I mean that.
  The humour with Steven was well placed (just as with the whole 'Alex's death...?'  thing you pulled on me earlier, you had me going on this one too!), and the correlation from Olivia's standpoint was superb. The TF sequence felt a little rushed (See #3 below), but was still practically poetic in description. The calling of the pack worked extremely well with the short explanation accompanying it. The pace and tone for each scene hung in my mind so I could still savour every description of the scenes.
  Wow. 

*Sigh* All Right; a few things I must say (these are only opinions, take them as you see fit):
  1. Thank you very much for NOT describing Olivia's pain like it was an 'ice cream headache that won't go away'. Had you used that alternative phrase, I would've had no choice but to force Busboy to change your member description into something equally as silly. Thank you for not doing so.
  2. I might as well ask this before someone else does: Are you really sure you want to have the word 'voluptuous' and the phrase 'small breasts' describing the same woman, in the same sentence? I mean, while many of us are fully aware that the usage of that particular word in in the sentence is grammatically sound, less-educated readers aren't going to care and are bound to make wisecracks about it. Wisecracks about this work of art is downright unworthy, and I see no reason for your story to endure that hardship if you can avoid it.
  3. The sentence "Fur, talons, and fangs protruded from her skin, fingertips, and gums" would probably be better off if you went ahead and broke it up to cover each body area individually. Again, there is danger of Wisecracks here ("Eeeeww! Fur comin' outta her gums! Gross!" or other such nonsense) that your masterpiece has no need to put up with if it doesn't have to.

  And yes, Punx, this story IS a masterpiece.

Last edited by Grayle (2007-12-14 11:00:26)

... or before you go to college. The royalties may pay your tuition in full. Your story is that good, Punx.

  Just so you know, You did use the 'V' word correctly in the sentence (technically speaking), but in today's society, many would take it as meaning...well...something else.

In any case, If you'd like a proofreader when you've finished later drafts, Sign me up. I'd love to help out.

Last edited by Grayle (2007-12-14 21:27:46)

It can be a very competitive market. So, the more proofreading you get, the better. I just found someone to proofread my Dep:118 story, but I still need more. One is not really enough.
  Anyhow, when you're ready, let me know. I'd consider it a privilege to be one of your proofreaders.

I liked the actions sequence a lot, Punx!
  The confrontation in the freezer is turning out rather well. I find those types of 'interrogation' scenarios very difficult to write, personally. Yours turned out pretty well. Good Job!
  Here's an idea for thought, but again, just an idea:
    The rouge pack here - some of them are in werewolf form, right? Can their senses pick up on anything from Alex or Steven? Can the werewolves determine anything from Alex's or Steven's posture or gestures? Could they sense their truthfulness or sincerity of their words? It might be an interesting avenue to take - if you wanted or needed to take it, that is.
Even So, Well done!

Wow.
  Though this was a lengthy action scene, it was well thought out and moved at a pace that the reader could follow. The sequence of events flowed very well, too.
  It will be interesting to see if they find Steven again or if he was able to escape without notice. Since we're dealing with a pack of werewolves here, I'm guessing they caught up to him. But, we'll wait and see what you have in mind.
  Only one swipe and the raging beast is down - dang! Either Martina's excessively accurate and precise, or she's a sorceress. And she was able to change back incredibly quickly. However, she didn't seem astute enough to notice that something was different about Alex once the Raging beast possessed him. Maybe she's just a complicated character, but it seems a slight bit contradictory - if you don't mind me saying.
  Riveting scene here, Punx! Can't wait for more!

Merry Christmas Everybody!

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Last edited by punxnotdead (2008-01-04 14:32:47)

Punx,I just did some catchin' up and this story is sooooo awesome!Totally love it!
P.S.I included you in the Christmas portrait located in my art forum,so feel free to check it out and let me know what ya think!
Merry Christmas!

Very Very well done, Punx.
  First Alex loses his girl, then his job, then all of his belongings and even his cat. He also possibly lost the only friend he has. Now he's all alone, being covered in snow, grief, and despair. It couldn't get much worse than that. I also like how his first thoughts are to kill Crowell, the man who took everything away from him. That's a natural reaction for someone in this situation.
  In essence, what you've done is strip everything away from your protagonist, forcing him to face his own core system of virtues and values. That, and his life, are all that he has now. What really does a person have when everything tangible is gone? What's left when nothing is left?
  However, the character of your character will be defined by what he does from this point, and how he overcomes this incredibly daunting challenge. There must be so many questions racing through his mind right now. Will he simply lash out, taking revenge on Crowell? Is that really the only thing that matters to him? Is that all he amounts to? How important to him is his friendship with Steven? What about the pack? Are they important to him? Should they be?
  These are the types of questions that your reader is asking, too. That's how well this story is progressing, Punx: the reader can effortlessly sympathize with your character.
  This type of scenario (losing everything and where to go from there) is commonly found in many of the Top 10 Bestsellers of any literary market, especially in those that gain a strong following. I consider it an honour that I'm getting to read this story now, before it becomes incredibly popular. Even so, I can't wait to see it on the shelves. I have absolutely no doubt that I will see it there.


  As to answering that question you posed to me earlier, I am working on answering it, I just am having a bit of a difficult time with being succinct. I'll keep working on it and email you soon - it's nothing to worry about, though.

  Please, keep up the great work, Punx. Your story is indeed glorious.

Last edited by Grayle (2007-12-29 10:36:56)

I've made several additions onto my story. I'll tell you one since I'm sure alot of you don't want to look back at the posts to find it. That Doctor Burkton, he's sided with Crowell...and that's all I'll say. I'll tell you more changes when I can remember them. Happy New year.

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