This was a very touching couple of scenes, Punx.

Steven's destitute predicament was really well-described, as was the weather topside.

The scene with Olivia and Alex was also well-done. The delicate description you used with their proximity toward each other and how it affected Alex really intensified the scene very well. Perhaps some shuffling of the sentences that you already have here might increase the order and flow, but what you have here is terrific!

Actually, I only noticed one thing, only one, that stood out as a possible obstacle: the batting eyelashes. There's no problem with mentioning long eyelashes, but in many of today's societies, batting the eyelashes has developed into a sarcastic, insincere stereotype that you may wish to avoid.

That's the only thing I could find right off, Punx. I think what you have here is well-written, and only needs at most a little clean-up, like you mentioned before.

  Well Done!

Last edited by Grayle (2008-03-06 11:50:07)

This was an excellent way of bringing up the suspense. It looks as though Shubert is in a similar conundrum as Jason; it's going to be very interesting to see how those two pan out. I also liked how Steven was still considering the idea of going back. He only needed something to help him overcome his fear and coax him into it. I think that worked pretty well.

I think there were a couple of sentences in the segment before Chapter 10 that could be re-worded, but other than that you've got a great segment here once again, Punx! Well Done!

Exquisite, Punx.

  The tension mounted well as I read about Steven's breathing and heartbeat, and his meager attempts at rationalization were a wonderful addition. I liked the faint insinuations that he was being stalked, and the simile about the wolves was a deliciously ironic touch!
 
  And before you start to get concerned that Steven being caught is too much of a stereotypical damsel in distress, don't worry; that kind of stereotype is usually more necessary than not, so it's officially exempt.

  I wonder if Sherry could see what happened; or if not, I wonder if she'll go looking for Steven when he doesn't return. I wonder what Alex is going to do when he finds out that Steven is caught! Ooooh, the tension is still building even after I'm finished reading the segment! I'm riveted!

  Once again, this is a great addition, Punx! Well done!

Ha! That answers that question!

  Very interesting addition here, Punx. This segment adds a bit of character development to Sherry, who we haven't really met before. Though she's a minor character, she's the main character in this segment, so it's only fitting that we get to know her better. Also, Steven will have someone to keep him company on the way to Crowell. If you decided to write it, this could prove useful for Steven, allowing him to tell someone else what he knows. Hearing himself explain it to someone else may help develop his resolve that it's actually the truth. However, depending on how you write it, it could affect the story flow or pace.

  To the contrary, I really liked how you didn't add too much development to the henchmen, but only supplied them with what was necessary. What's more, you didn't have them try to take advantage of her in some fashion. I've always despised that kind of development - it's shallow, disturbing, and unfortunately used way too often in low-quality stories.
  The fact that you didn't take that route only validates the high caliber of your writing, Punx, and you should be commended for that.

  Just as a side note, you could theoretically add a little cameo for Sherry earlier in the story, perhaps when Alex and Steven are working in the office. That way it doesn't feel like you're introducing a new character near the end of the story. Does that make sense?
Anyway, just a thought.

  Either way, Punx, you've once again proven how good a writing this is, and how good a writer you are.

Good job, Punx.

Okay, as promised I have more. I'm not overly confident about the last scene. I wanted to rush it because I'm not great at writing about it.
Anyways, tell me what you think.

*Been edited...

Interestingsection,damn your writing style kicks ass!
"Leisurely, like fog rolling across the ground, she approached him, her pale face devoid of emotion."
Pure raw talent.

Locked up in a hidden room with no way out, possibly being monitored and definitely being held in place for a sinister purpose later on. Desperation lingers in the air, intensifying every word of the segment.
  Me likey.

  I really appreciate your characters, Punx. Take Sherry, for instance: I liked the fact that you didn't have Sherry blaming Steven for her predicament. Sure, he was involved predominantly, but it was her decision to leave the car, and she seems to be willing to accept that accountability. You avoided making her shallow or stereotypical, and that was well done.

  Although your internal musings of Steven were also well-described, are you sure you want to keep the comment about Steven straining his brain? It's your choice, of course; it's just that it seemed a little off-tempo to the rest of his internal thoughts somehow. Ah, it's probably just me.

  It's really going to be interesting to see how detailed Steven's explanation will be, and how Sherry takes it. At this point, she'll only have his word to go by, and that's usually not enough to win someone over. I can't wait to see how it turns out!
Oh, this is good stuff...

That was incredible, Punx.
This was an intense and brutal segment. Sherry was not only innocent, but a character that we had gotten to know a little, so her death is that much more tragic and vicious. Crowell's murdering her in cold blood really shows how depraved and sinister he really is.

That was chilling. It really makes you wonder how it's going to turn out now.... Can't wait to find out...

Holy crap! That was exciting!
  I liked how each member had a specific job to do - Lottamay set the explosives, Olivia scoured the paperwork for more clues, and Alex searched for captives. That turned out very well, I thought.

  The description of the difficulty in traction and using claws to compensate was a great idea! You may wish to add a point about the claws piercing the tiles just to solidify the action, but it was still very easy to pick up on how the compensation was accomplished.

  Wonderful place to finish the segment! BOOM! Talk about a cliffhanger!

  Oh, this is really getting intense! Keep it coming, please!

Dun Dun Daa!!! Ha ha Ha very nice can't wait to see more

I just finished writing this five minutes ago.

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Holy Guacamole with cheese! You just keep building up the excitement, don't you?

As a friendly jest, I'd assume you've been building up to this sequence since you came up with your title. Although, your title could also be relating to the dark werewolf beast hiding in the shadows of Alex's mind, but I think that's just my analytical side stretching for creative correlations...

  Again, your descriptions are superb. I loved the feeling of impending doom you created when Shubert saw the beast coming in for the kill. I also liked the subtle idea of how the hunter became the hunted, and vice versa. This whole sequence had a terrific balance of action, suspense, and even a bit of terror.
  Though you could tinker with it a bit to increase one or more of the emotions involved (if you wanted to), it turned out very well as is and doesn't really need any modification. Great Job!

  I'm looking forward to seeing if Alex gains control over the beast within. Even more so, I'm really interested to see if he finds Steven, or what happened to Olivia and Lottamay. I know we haven't reached the climax quite yet, but this sequence was a great way to whet the appetite of the reader!

  Well Done, Punx!

That was a terrific segment, Punx!
  I like the Jekyl/Hyde development you're giving to Alex and the Beast within - it's a storyline that has never been used in quite this fashion in any other Werewolf story. It's unique, and adds a dichotomy to Alex's existence that is more... workable, than the classic conundrum of being cursed with turning into a monster periodically. I like it.

  I have to admit that I was expecting Alex to come across Steven as he continued, but I feel like this is even better. It's tragic, actually, since he's already lost everything tangible, he started to gain friends again, and now he's lost all of those. I would imagine that he would now be very determined put a stop to all of this. With that in mind, I (along with any future readers, undoubtedly) am extremely looking forward to how Alex is going to resolve this!

Well Done, Punx!

Last edited by Grayle (2008-04-14 15:36:01)