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#1 2008-01-11 22:21:30

the-animal666
Member
From: who knows
Registered: 2007-12-19
Posts: 362

the black bandit

*pops open a beer and sits infont of a fire*

come around freinds, an' let me tell ya the legend of the black bandit...


He came to the city on a horse as dark as night, An imposing figure who was clad in a black jacket, trousers and hat. Wearing two silver ammo belts wrapped around his black woollen sweater. On his back he carried an elegant crossbow with an ornate silver wolf headon the shaft, it glinted in the sun and drew attention away from the strangers cold yellow eyes.

It was a cold autmns day. The amber sun cast a golden glow over the leaves on the floor. It was cold, but dry, it would soon make any man thirsty. So the stranger rides over to the local saloon.

SLAM! he thrust the doors open, Seeing the elegant interior af the alhambra, the stuffed moose heads, the elegant drapes and the gambling tables. He walked over to the bar where an old man in a blue overall was cleaning a glass. "help ya?" he said in a gruff, unwelcoming voice.

"your strongest...and make sure its strong," the stranger sat down. Everyone was looking at him. It wsnt often you see a complete stranger walk in so calm. He noticed the crowds gaze. "Dont you all have things to do?" he gave a glare that made people go straight back to their drinks but not before shuddrering.

"Blood gulch ain't seen no-one in years..." the old man remarked "...so forgive them for starin', oh heres your drink, strongest in the house."
"Thanks, i dont like being watched, thats all" the stranger sniffed the beverage that he had just been passed "no, not strong enough, sorry"
"But i..." the barkeep started, but then just shook his head "so...what you here to kill?" he said bluntly
the stranger smiled " ah, why do you assume im not here just to see the sights?"
"Because most folk are too scared to come here 'less they live here, and besides..." he leant in close to the stranger "we aint got no sights to see, unless you mean the whores"
"Still, what makes you think im here to kill something"
"The ammo and crossbow"
"Ah...that...okay iadmit it" he stood up "your sheriff sent for me, i have a certain level of expertise in my field"
"Oh really?" the barkeep said casually, "and what fiels would that be then?"
"Huh" the stranger smiled and took his hat off to bow "im what you would call...a monster hunter" he shot up to look at the barkeep "to put it simply...im here to kill your monster"

"You mean?" the barkeep suddenly went white
"Yes i do, im here to kill to most notorius vampire clan in the west...the bloodoath"
"God be with you" the barkeep reached into his pockets and pulled out a rather large cross "here...take this"
"I..i cant, it wouldnt be right" he said
"Please, i would hate to wake up in the mornin' and see that you have died...you never know, it might bring you luck!"
"Fine!" the stranger took the pendant and put it around his neck
"May god be with you, and may luck follow him"
"Luck is not a factor...ive done this before" the stranger called while walking towards the doors
"WAIT!" the barkeep yelled "you didnt tell me your name"

"My name..." the stranger said "...is Armadeius Van Hellsing, but you can call me Armad" and with that he walked out of the saloon doors.
"Wait a minute...HE DIDNT PAY FOR HIS DRINK!" the barkeep had found an empty glass where a full drink once was.

~end of part one~

well, thats the first part, let me know if you want the second part =]

Last edited by the-animal666 (2008-01-11 23:01:45)


animal by name animal by nature, and i love it!
im back from the dead! ;D
go to deviant art and search for 'lordofpencil' you will not be disappointed

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#2 2008-01-11 22:51:06

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: the black bandit

Hmm...I'll suggest using proper capitalization in your story. Besides a few grammical errors, the story isn't all that bad.


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
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#3 2008-01-11 22:55:37

the-animal666
Member
From: who knows
Registered: 2007-12-19
Posts: 362

Re: the black bandit

okay okay, to be fair it was like 3:00(am) and i AM a teenager. lol

Last edited by the-animal666 (2008-01-11 22:56:05)


animal by name animal by nature, and i love it!
im back from the dead! ;D
go to deviant art and search for 'lordofpencil' you will not be disappointed

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#4 2008-01-11 23:02:09

the-animal666
Member
From: who knows
Registered: 2007-12-19
Posts: 362

Re: the black bandit

there, fixed it, happy?


animal by name animal by nature, and i love it!
im back from the dead! ;D
go to deviant art and search for 'lordofpencil' you will not be disappointed

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#5 2008-01-11 23:29:43

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: the black bandit

I didn't get to see it before, but I appreciate the reparations. 
I agree with Punx that the story shows good potential. I'm curious to see what path you will be leading your readers.
  The Black Bandit is a drink stealer and a monster hunter, with a reputation that may not ring true for the other characters, but holds a strong reputation for the reader. Interesting combination.
  I liked the western feel you gave to the story, and the narrative was an nice addition. You introduced the protagonist, the plot and the goal succinctly. Nice job on that.
  Speaking from experience, you may wish to be careful that you don't stray off to the omniscient 3rd person as you continue - I fell into that trap once, no reason you should.
  Bring on the next part when you're ready.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#6 2008-01-12 08:22:51

the-animal666
Member
From: who knows
Registered: 2007-12-19
Posts: 362

Re: the black bandit

lol he aint a drink stealer, hes just a badass

invader zim rocks!!


animal by name animal by nature, and i love it!
im back from the dead! ;D
go to deviant art and search for 'lordofpencil' you will not be disappointed

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#7 2008-01-13 17:37:16

the-animal666
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From: who knows
Registered: 2007-12-19
Posts: 362

Re: the black bandit

Armad walked out of the saloon to mount his horse. He was about to climb up when an old man caught his attention.
"strange...that a monster is hunting monsters..." he said, looking down at the worn oak boards below him.
"What do you mean by that?" armad asked, cautiously walking towards him.
"I mean that what you are doing is valiant, but it still wont save your soul" he replied, still staring downwards
"how do you know this?" armad yelled, shaking the man.
"Because..." the mans sombrero fell off, he was blind. "i see more in people from my cold dead eyes than you people could ever know" he chuckled, his white, glazed eyes blinded armad in the light.
"whatever" Armad dropped the old man back where he sat. "Im not doing it for myself though..."
"ahh, sir has a love interest?" the old man smiled, squinting at him slightly. Armad was past caring. he mounted his horse and began to walk off.

"hey!" the old man proclaimed "dont let an old blind man die of dehydration!"
"here..." armad threw a coin to the old man, he missed it "...go fetch!"
"No fair!" he squealed. With that, armad rode off, leaving the old man crawling round in the dirt
"heartless bast**d!" he murmered

Last edited by the-animal666 (2008-01-13 17:47:03)


animal by name animal by nature, and i love it!
im back from the dead! ;D
go to deviant art and search for 'lordofpencil' you will not be disappointed

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#8 2008-01-14 23:41:08

LinkWolf
Member
From: Canada
Registered: 2007-06-26
Posts: 34

Re: the black bandit

Intersting I'm excited to read more. Not to be a shameless self endorser but is yoy want to check my story out even though i have not updated it in a while. http://forum.werewolfcafe.com/viewtopic.php?id=2204

Last edited by LinkWolf (2008-01-15 18:59:56)


"A small stone may only make a ripple at first, but some day it will be a wave" Wiegraf-FFT
"That which does not worry us in our youth can be catastrophic in our old age" Sturgeon-Magical Starsign
"Being Bisexual Is Like Liking Pepsi and Coke No Matter Where You Go You're Never Dissapointed"
Back Off Marta Emil Is My Man!

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#9 2008-01-16 16:07:34

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: the black bandit

It sounds like Armad has a hidden agenda. The plot thickens... Me Likey...
  It seems as though Armad is coming across as a little bit over-confrontational, if that makes sense. Was that your intention?
  The conversation with the blind man adds some mystery and foreshadowing. Good job there. Though, I might expect him to grumble under his breath instead of shout expletives at Armad - but that's just my personal opinion, really.
  It's going to be interesting to see where Armad goes from here!

Last edited by Grayle (2008-01-16 16:08:00)


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#10 2008-01-17 11:44:55

the-animal666
Member
From: who knows
Registered: 2007-12-19
Posts: 362

Re: the black bandit

Grayle wrote:

It seems as though Armad is coming across as a little bit over-confrontational, if that makes sense. Was that your intention?

erm...not really lol, could you explain, i might be able to use this in my gcse! =P


animal by name animal by nature, and i love it!
im back from the dead! ;D
go to deviant art and search for 'lordofpencil' you will not be disappointed

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#11 2008-01-18 20:44:01

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: the black bandit

Sorry - didn't catch your question..
Well, what I meant refers to this part (I italicized the main points):

the-animal666 wrote:

"Strange...that a monster is hunting monsters..." he said, looking down at the worn oak boards below him.
"What do you mean by that?" Armad asked, cautiously walking towards him.
"I mean that what you are doing is valiant, but it still won't save your soul" he replied, still staring downwards.
"How do you know this?!" Armad yelled, shaking the man.
"Because..." the man's sombrero fell off. He was blind. "I see more in people from my cold dead eyes than you people could ever know," he chuckled. His white, glazed eyes blinded Armad in the light.
"Whatever." Armad dropped the old man back where he sat.

Please take my notes with a grain of salt, okay?
  Granted, he didn't know that the man was blind. However, grabbing the man and shaking him and then dropping him back down simply because the man said his actions won't save his soul feels a little over-the-top for the circumstances, a little over-confrontational. I wasn't sure if that was your intention, like Armad has some 'anger issues' to work out. Does that make sense? 
  If not, maybe a simple narrowing of the eyes could be enough. Or, even better, perhaps using his crossbow to lift up the man's sombrero so he can see the man's face might be just as badass, but not as over-reactional as picking him up and shaking him.
  Again, that's just from my understanding. If the over-reaction is a plot point for later, however, then it's definitely necessary and needs to stay. I just thought I'd ask to make sure.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#12 2008-01-20 12:26:20

the-animal666
Member
From: who knows
Registered: 2007-12-19
Posts: 362

Re: the black bandit

i dont want to ruin the plot...so all im going to say is if i was armad id be angry too.

Last edited by the-animal666 (2008-01-20 12:29:01)


animal by name animal by nature, and i love it!
im back from the dead! ;D
go to deviant art and search for 'lordofpencil' you will not be disappointed

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#13 2008-08-29 19:45:37

the-animal666
Member
From: who knows
Registered: 2007-12-19
Posts: 362

Re: the black bandit

i might delete this all and start again...with pictures!


animal by name animal by nature, and i love it!
im back from the dead! ;D
go to deviant art and search for 'lordofpencil' you will not be disappointed

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#14 2008-08-30 22:11:59

Goldie
Member
From: Algonquin, Someplace
Registered: 2008-05-04
Posts: 209

Re: the black bandit

So far, I'm hooked, i hope your redo is as good as this. smile


how can never ever be ever if never ever was ever, ever?
yes, i said that, but what do i mean, I'm what was that, thats crazy, crazy go nuts, nutty nuts. ok i guess I'm done, but it will never be over, now will it????????

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#15 2008-08-31 14:20:12

the-animal666
Member
From: who knows
Registered: 2007-12-19
Posts: 362

Re: the black bandit

nah, typed it up and thought it was crud compared to this , im keeping this version

btw it is also on a bebo page, with a picture!


animal by name animal by nature, and i love it!
im back from the dead! ;D
go to deviant art and search for 'lordofpencil' you will not be disappointed

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