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#51 2009-02-04 12:46:01

Goldie
Member
From: Algonquin, Someplace
Registered: 2008-05-04
Posts: 209

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

wow, dark as all getout, wooo, keep up the story. smile you've got us, now reel us in. lol


how can never ever be ever if never ever was ever, ever?
yes, i said that, but what do i mean, I'm what was that, thats crazy, crazy go nuts, nutty nuts. ok i guess I'm done, but it will never be over, now will it????????

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#52 2009-02-11 17:20:36

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

Sinister. Very sinister.
  So, Lex has finally succumbed to the darkness that threatened to infect his disposition. It really makes you wonder what he is going to do next to Aaron, and whether or not Lex has lost all control or this is a lapse, or if Mel is going to walk in unexpectedly, or Lex's father for that matter... there's so many ways this could go, and I for one am really interested to see where you take us!

  I did find a few spelling/punctuation anomalies, which is really very rare for your writing. I'm guessing you were writing in a hurry or something. Easily fixed, whatever the case, and it didn't deter from the dark tension in the story, either.

  I appreciated the persistence you've given to Aaron. He is the patient and loyal type, so it only makes sense that he would calmly dig his heals in. I don't think he ever thought it would get this bad, however - I know none of us did. Wow!

  Keep it coming, Niktoma!


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#53 2009-07-25 15:56:34

Niktoma
Advocatus Diaboli
Registered: 2007-07-20
Posts: 1077
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Re: Fennel and Sorghum

Hahaha, don't think I forgot about this!

    The soft thud of footsteps broke the stillness of the night air.  Paul Andrews felt as if he should be whistling as he strolled down the deserted street, but couldn’t bring himself to spoil the quiet evening.  Despite his earlier reservations, he found himself enjoying the tedium of Diana’s Hollow.  After that night, the night of the fog and fires, and of the shadowy figure he’d come across, he counted every boring day as a blessing.  Involuntarily, his mind returned to that night, to the figure, and to the growling menace in its voice.  He shivered in a way that had nothing to do with the chill in the autumn air.

    Andrews had reached the end of his beat, ahead of him stretched the dark and lonely road that led to the park and the forest beyond.  There was no point in going any further, a cruiser would head down that way at some point to make sure none of the high school kids were out there getting themselves in trouble.  He was just about to turn back when he heard a sound halfway between a moan and a groan, followed by a soft splach.

    “Oh great.”  Paul muttered softly, a sympathetic grimace on his face.  He was a police officer, but he was young enough to remember suffering through the consequences of a night spent overindulging.  Still, he had been that close to heading home for the night.  Sighing softly at the sound of another splash, he headed into the darkness of the woods.

    In another darkness, the silence was disturbed not by groans, but a soft, wheezing gasp.  The flow of blood from Aaron’s head had slowed and then stopped.  The wound was severe, and would have killed a human, but gradually, as Aaron slept, his body repaired the damage.  In the solitude of the dark kitchen, the wheezing contined.

    Officer Andrews followed the unpleasant sounds of gagging and moaning, using a flashlight to show the ground before him.

    “Hey, are you okay?” he called out in what he hoped was a reassuring and non-threatening tone.  Once he made sure no one was hurt or in danger, he’d worry about any breaches of the law.

    He was close to the sound then, and he raised his flashlight to scan the area.  For a brief instant, a pair of eyes, roughly at the same height of his own, reflected the light back at him.  Paul swore in surprise and dropped the flashlight.  He felt something rush past him as he knelt to retrieve it.  Andrews followed the sound of rustling branches and crunching leaf litter, the beam of his flashlight bouncing madly as he ran.  He skidded to a stop as it revealed a form ahead of him, bent over double and retching.  Andrews approached slowly, steadying the beam.  He raised his eyebrows in surprise as the figure turned its head to face him.
    “Lex?”

Last edited by Niktoma (2009-07-29 22:24:05)


'OK, how about werewolves?' said the voice eventually.
'What do they look like?' asked the kid.
'Ah, well, they look perfectly normal right up to the point where they grow all, like, hair and teeth and giant paws and leap through the window at you,' said the voice.

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#54 2009-07-28 13:29:05

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

Very interesting!

  I really appreciate the tone you set in the scene. You continue the suspense from two different angles, and thrill the reader with an unexpected twist. Absolutely Lovely!

  I did notice - Oh; welcome back, by the way - I did notice a sentence in the last descriptive paragraph which might benefit from a re-phrasing. How about "He skidded to a stop as the light revealed a form ahead of him" instead of "showed a form"? Just a suggestion, but the current sentence is a little difficult to follow when reading aloud. At least, it was for me.

  Once again, Niktoma, you show us how it's done. Brilliant storytelling, palpable tension, a hint of character development, and a twist to catch us by the eyes and keep us glued to the screen, desperately awaiting more.

  Nicely done, Niktoma!


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#55 2009-07-28 14:12:52

Goldie
Member
From: Algonquin, Someplace
Registered: 2008-05-04
Posts: 209

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

Ya, dude, Rock on. ^^ (translation: good job, i can't wait for more. big_smile


how can never ever be ever if never ever was ever, ever?
yes, i said that, but what do i mean, I'm what was that, thats crazy, crazy go nuts, nutty nuts. ok i guess I'm done, but it will never be over, now will it????????

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#56 2009-07-29 22:42:33

Niktoma
Advocatus Diaboli
Registered: 2007-07-20
Posts: 1077
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Re: Fennel and Sorghum

Grayle wrote:

I did notice - Oh; welcome back, by the way - I did notice a sentence in the last descriptive paragraph which might benefit from a re-phrasing. How about "He skidded to a stop as the light revealed a form ahead of him" instead of "showed a form"? Just a suggestion, but the current sentence is a little difficult to follow when reading aloud. At least, it was for me.

Consider it done, that was a nice, easy, painless edit.

Thanks for the comments.  Jay and I are going to go visit my folks for the next week or so, so I'm not sure when I'll be posting again, but the wheels have started turning again, don't you guys worry!


'OK, how about werewolves?' said the voice eventually.
'What do they look like?' asked the kid.
'Ah, well, they look perfectly normal right up to the point where they grow all, like, hair and teeth and giant paws and leap through the window at you,' said the voice.

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#57 2009-11-13 00:48:59

Niktoma
Advocatus Diaboli
Registered: 2007-07-20
Posts: 1077
Website

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

Yeah, about those wheels.  If my car had wheels like them, I'd only make it to work about three times a month.

Anyways, here's some more:

Mr. Kolak looked out at the dark clouds on the horizon, far in the distance.  He turned to his wife, who was stretched out comfortably on a thick blanket spread over a small portion of the great, flat field where they had set up their picnic.
   
    "The bad weather is coming this way."  She said softly, removing an apple from the basket and tossing it to him.  "Perhaps we should pack up."

    Mr. Kolak caught the apple with ease, took a bite, and smiled warmly at his wife before answering.  "It's still far off, we've still got time."  He muttered, taking her hand in his.  It was warm and soft.  He raised it to his lips and kissed it gently.

    "The storm's closer than you think."  She replied, her words punctuated by a flash of light and the peal of thunder.

    "Can't we stay?" He asked, almost childishly.  "Just a little while longer?"  His wife shook her head with sad urgency.

    "Face the storm, Arthur, you can't avoid it."

    The lightning flashed again, followed by the thunder, closer this time.  Mr. Kolak felt the wind stir around him, and the first heavy drop of rain splashed on his nose.  He stared at his wife, his eyes wide.
   
    "Does it always have to rain?" he asked, panic creeping into his voice.

    "For some," she replied, nodding sagely, "for some."

    Arthur Kolak closed his eyes as the lightning flashed once more.  He felt his wife pull her hand away as the thunder boomed again, nearly simultaneously with the flash.  Softly in the distance, almost as if it was an afterthought, a telephone rang.

    Mr. Kolak jerked in his chair, his hand sending a cup of room-temperature tea flying off his desk and crashing to the floor.  Instinct and habit took over before he'd even opened his eyes, and he raised the receiver to his ear.

    "H-h-hello?" he stammered, his heard racing from the panic he'd felt in the dream.

    "Mr. Kolak!" shouted the woman on the other end of the line.  It took him a moment to place her voice.

    "Mel?  What's wrong?"  His dream had filled him with dread which was now becoming anchored in reality.  Late night phone calls rarely brought good news.

    "Paul found Lex in the woods!  He's sick, Paul is taking him to the clinic, I can't get  in touch with Aaron, he's not answering!"

    Mr. Kolak closed his eyes as the room seemed to spin around him.  It had taken a moment for what Mel had said to sink in, she'd blurted it out as if the sentences were a single word.  He took a deep breath.  "Mel, get to the apartment and get Aaron, Jess and I will meet you at the clinic."  His voice, normally calm and reassuring, threatened to break.  He slammed the receiver back onto the cradle and dashed up the stairs.

    "Jess!"  He bellowed as he ran.  "Jess!  Get dressed!"  His niece appeared at the top of the stairs, rumpled from sleep.

    "What's going on?" she asked as she shook herself awake.

    "They're taking Lex to the clinic, hurry up, get dressed!"  Mr. Kolak shouted in reply, grabbing his coat.  He pulled so hard that the hook it hung upon ripped out of the wall and fell to the floor with a clatter.

    Scarcely ten minutes later, the two of them were in the car, speeding off into the night.

    Everyone who knew her would agree that Mel possessed a calm and sweet personality.  Anyone who saw her drive to Aaron and Lex's apartment would have sworn that her car had been stolen by some lunatic.  Had someone stopped her to see if she was alright, they would have had their impression of her kind demeanor shattered, possibly forever.  Her friends were in trouble, she had no time for niceties or anything but the most basic traffic laws.

    When she reached the top of the stairs that led to the apartment, she paused and took a deep breath.  Reaching out with one trembling hand, she tried the knob.  It was locked.  With a frustrated snarl that would have impressed even the most ferocious werewolf, she pounded on the door with her open palm until her hand stung.  She knelt down, her head against the door, and fought the urge to cry.  She found herself staring at the mat beneath her, and let out an angry snort of laughter.

    "One nice person and one old grouch live here." it read.

    Her eyes opened wide and she suddenly stood, shaking her head at her own stupidity.  Mel quickly grabbed the mat and pulled it away, revealing the bare floor beneath.

    There was no key.

    Mel sighed in exasperation and flung the mat to the ground.  It landed up-side-down, and in the dim light of the hallway, she noticed a strip of black tape affixed to the back.  She smiled and pulled it free, finding the key underneath.  hurriedly unlocking the door, she stepped into the dark apartment, and reached for the switch.  When she found it, she flipped it, looked around the kitchen, and screamed.


'OK, how about werewolves?' said the voice eventually.
'What do they look like?' asked the kid.
'Ah, well, they look perfectly normal right up to the point where they grow all, like, hair and teeth and giant paws and leap through the window at you,' said the voice.

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#58 2009-11-13 03:23:48

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

Wow! the Tension builds even further!

    Very curious dream sequence. The idea that Mr. Kolak always has a storm in his dreams seems to give way to his internal disposition. Very interesting idea. I also liked the little details you use: the hand knocking over the cup, the pull of the jacket removing the hook, and so on. I also loved where you ended the segment.

  I did find a typo or two, as well as an uncapitalized word. In your case that's as rare as a timid politician, so please excuse me if I notice such priceless treasures, tee hee. Also, you might want to explore using action tags only, instead of coupling them with dialogue tags. For instance:

   "Does it always have to rain?" he asked, panic creeping into his voice.
   
How about this instead:
   "Does it always have to rain?" Panic crept into his voice.

   We already know he's asking the question, so no need to tell us that. However, adding the action immediately afterward can sometimes add to the tension or the sincerity of the dialogue. Again, it's just a thought, but I've been playing around with it to varied levels of success. 

   Needless to say I'm at the edge of my seat, And I'm intently awaiting the next segment. So, what are you waiting for? Bring it on!
   Please. Please more. (Sorry about the demand.)


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#59 2009-11-13 10:34:08

Niktoma
Advocatus Diaboli
Registered: 2007-07-20
Posts: 1077
Website

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

Grayle wrote:

I did find a typo or two, as well as an uncapitalized word. In your case that's as rare as a timid politician, so please excuse me if I notice such priceless treasures, tee hee.

A typo?  Something is obviously wrong with my computer. lol

Grayle wrote:

Also, you might want to explore using action tags only, instead of coupling them with dialogue tags.

Funny you should mention that, I'm actually working on it.  I'm trying to figure out a technique where the action tags take the place of all that "He muttered angrily." stuff.  If you, or anyone else for that matter, has any advice, I'd love to hear it.  I think I'm going to take a stab at the Aspiring Writers sticky, and plumb the vast depths of talent here on the Forum.


'OK, how about werewolves?' said the voice eventually.
'What do they look like?' asked the kid.
'Ah, well, they look perfectly normal right up to the point where they grow all, like, hair and teeth and giant paws and leap through the window at you,' said the voice.

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#60 2009-11-23 11:00:10

Niktoma
Advocatus Diaboli
Registered: 2007-07-20
Posts: 1077
Website

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

Here's some more, please feel free to rip it apart.  This time around, I'm going to go ahead and blame any typos or mistakes on Alexander Hamilton.  He won't mind.

    The clinic at Diana's Hollow was a medium-sized building that showed obvious signs of being continually developed over the years.  The core of it had been constructed to meet the needs of a growing town, as well as those of a handful of young men returning from The War to End All Wars in Europe.  It had been enlarged a few decades later to handle the veterans of the war after that, and had been expanded in the decades that followed.  As Mr. Kolak parked his car and rushed inside, he tried to push away the thoughts of the other times he'd been there.  When a Kolak reached the point where a trip to the clinic was necessary, he or she was usually beyond the help of medical science.  Werewolves went to the hospital to die.

    When he burst through the doors, he saw the face of the head nurse, familiar to him through her contact with the pharmacy.  She hurried to his side.

    "He's over here, this way, Arthur." As she led him to a small room, she began to explain Lex's condition, but Mr. Kolak stopped listening as soon as he saw his son in the bed.  His heart felt as if it were about to explode as he looked on silently.  He heard Jess sob, and felt her brush past him and she rushed towards the bed.

    He turned to face the nurse again, and ran his hand over his face.  "I'm sorry Jeane, could you start over?"

    She patiently began again.

    Mel frantically rushed over to where Aaron lay.  His head and shoulders, the floor, and the counters were covered in sticky blood.  She leaned down to him and could hear his slow, even breathing.  If it wasn't for the carnage, she could almost believe he'd fallen asleep.  She had learned in the last few months that werewolves could take a lot of damage, and that their injuries healed quickly, but she didn't know how far those abilities stretched.  Unsure of exactly how to wake a werewolf, she grabbed a small pot and filled it with water from the sink.  She splashed Aaron's face and slapped his cheeks gently.  It often worked in movies.  He stirred slightly, but didn't wake up.

    "Damn it, Aaron, you lazy bastard, wake up!"  She lifted the pot and poured the remaining water over his head.

    Aaron opened his eyes with a start, sat up, and stared at her, his confused expression quickly transforming into one of annoyance.  "Mel, what the hell are you doing?"

    "Aaron, what happened?  Did Lex do this?"

    "It wasn't Lex."  Aaron slowly got to his feet.  "I mean, it was Lex, but it wasn't him."  He leaned against Mel for support, and looked at her apprehensively.  "Where is he?"

    "Paul found him in the woods and took him to the clinic."

    "The clinic?  We have to go!"  The urgency in his voice matched his rush to the door.

    "Aaron, you can't go out like that, you look like someone tried to kill you!"

    "Someone did."  Aaron's voice went cold as he took off his shirt and wiped his face dry.  "Get me a change of clothes." he muttered, making his way to the bathroom.


'OK, how about werewolves?' said the voice eventually.
'What do they look like?' asked the kid.
'Ah, well, they look perfectly normal right up to the point where they grow all, like, hair and teeth and giant paws and leap through the window at you,' said the voice.

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#61 2009-11-24 15:32:48

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

Very nice continuation, Niktoma. I loved the Irony of the line "Werewolves went to the hospital to die", and I really liked how you ended the scene with the nurse repeating for Mr. Kolak. I'm not sure what it was about that ending, but it fit extremely well to the tone of the story.

  I only found three things to point out, really, other than your phenomenal writing, character development and dialogue.
   The third sentence in the first paragraph is a little awkward - you could summarize it by saying 'every decade brought a new addition or improvement'. It makes the same point, but keeps the pace a little better. Maybe.
   The next thing is the change in the scene. I might suggest you skip a line, or put a set of asterisks in place, or something like that. I thought Mel had gotten Aaron to the clinic and was in the bed next to Lex. I was thinking "Man, what an inefficient medical staff, leaving the blood everywhere!" Then I realized the scene had changed to the apartment, and it made more sense, but gave me a douse of personal embarrassment I wasn't expecting. I almost felt like I had to read it over again and get it right, just out of principle.
   The last thing was Aaron's status after being attacked. I understand you're making the point that werewolves heal quickly, but the "carnage" in the scene indicates he was hurt extremely bad. As such, you might want to add a grimace or two, perhaps have him stumble to the bathroom. Also, you might want to replace the exclamation point with a period. You can show determination in his face, but I don't think he'd have enough fortitude to yell a stressful tone, if that makes sense. Granted, that's just my opinion.
   If you wanted to take it the other way, and make it where he's acting fine with his own blood and guts all over him, it would be a great obscure tribute to AWIL. But in doing so you'd be putting more levity in the scene, and I'm not sure it would be appropriate to the tone you've already created.
   
   Anyway, there's my thoughts, take 'em with a grain of salt. But whatever you do, please continue. This is just as riveting as all your other stories.

Last edited by Grayle (2009-12-09 11:05:24)


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#62 2009-12-01 17:36:55

Goldie
Member
From: Algonquin, Someplace
Registered: 2008-05-04
Posts: 209

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

oh yes, Aaron is getting real sexy, now he's really excepted the wolf. ^^


how can never ever be ever if never ever was ever, ever?
yes, i said that, but what do i mean, I'm what was that, thats crazy, crazy go nuts, nutty nuts. ok i guess I'm done, but it will never be over, now will it????????

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#63 2009-12-01 19:55:20

lupusindefined
Dark Shadow
Registered: 2009-11-06
Posts: 2142

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

??


Lupus

silver bullets dont work... not on me anyway =P ...the other guy however.... *looks at dead body lying on the ground*

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#64 2009-12-08 19:29:14

Niktoma
Advocatus Diaboli
Registered: 2007-07-20
Posts: 1077
Website

Re: Fennel and Sorghum

What's the question?


'OK, how about werewolves?' said the voice eventually.
'What do they look like?' asked the kid.
'Ah, well, they look perfectly normal right up to the point where they grow all, like, hair and teeth and giant paws and leap through the window at you,' said the voice.

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