This is a curious story, night_beast - you have an interesting premise that merges mythologies in a fresh way. You have a little bit of character development for Merula, as told by your narrator - enough so that we are interested in the sources of her quirks. She kills her parents and eats birds and raw meat, but it's the narrator who's a vampire/werewolf hybrid; I'd be expecting her quirks from him. Needless to say, the reader is wanting to find out more about this pair. 

  The story shows a potential for a lot of description and character development, but the story moves so fast that those opportunities pass by in a flash. If your intention is to expand this story later on, I think you'll have a few tremendous opportunities to have the reader get to know your characters well.

  Keep it coming!

heres the next part.its shorter than the last one but i cant think of anything yet...

BACK OF THE PACK.
PART 2.

We all went around and explored the new village we found.It looked horrible.Everything was
in ruins like something had ripped through it and only left the burnt buildings and scorched
ground.I went into one of the houses that was only slightly ruined.On the walls was several
splatters of blood and there was a foul smell coming from the basement.I followed the smell
and found the door that lead to the room below.While slowly opening the door,I looked around
the small basement and found the source of this putrid smell.On the floor lay two bodies,
rotting and still covered in blood.I dared myself to go closer to them and see their faces.
I gasped.
"no...no no no...this is..."
They were my dead parents.My sister had obviously heard me and came to see what was going on.
"what's up?"
"that..."
She looked down at the bloody corpses on the floor.
"holey shite...thats..."
"I know..."
"oh man.I gotta get outa here..."
"yeah...lets go..."
We ran out of the house to find Zev."what do you want?" he said when we found him."in the
house...our parents are..." we tried to say "spit it out!" he yelled "our parents are in one
of the houses,rotting in the basement!" I yelled at him "oh crap...Merula...didn't she?" he
mumbled "yes I did and I'm not ashamed of what I did.They deserved it for what they did to
Salem." Merula belted out.When she realised what she had said she covered her mouth with her
hands.Zev laughed and said "if you don't mind me asking what they did to you?" "they would
beat me...curse me...trap me in a basement with silver crosses and light pouring through.
Just because I am half vampire." I whispered.Zev looked shocked and said "oh shite...sorry to
have brung that up..." "Its okay.You didn't do the bad stuff..." I said "well,I better tell
everyone to get outa here and go to the next location tonight." he said "cool.Thanks."
Merula and I said in unison.As the memories of this place came flooding into my mind,I lay
down and fell to sleep.I dreamed of mindless zombies rising from their graves and raiding the
village.My mother and father told Merula to run away and never come back.They didn't tell me
anything and left me locked in the basement to die.I heard Merula screaming out to me
"Salem!Salem!Get out of there!Salem!"
As my conscience returned to the real world,I heard Merula calling my name and felt someone
shaking me.I opened my eyes to see her staring down at me and shaking me.
"SALEM!!!"
"I'm awake!I'm awake!"
"its nearly night time."
"okay.Is that it...?"
"you wish!We were getting everything ready for us to leave when Nero saw something moving in
the window of a house and out came a ghost!A real ghost!"
"and...?"
"and now theres even more of them!"
"but there not doing anyone any harm,are they?"
"if you think sucking the souls out of everyone is not doing any harm,then no."
"holey crap!We need to do something!"
"no shite Sherlock.But what are we going to do?We know nothing about banishing ghosts."
"I think I do..."
Merula gave me a strange look as I rose and went outside.The sky was almost black and there
was a faint screaming coming from near our camp site.I put my fingers together in the shape
of a triangle and said my transformation spell
"I am a creature of the night,
give me my wings so i can fly through the darkness,
give me the mist of the purest black to protect me,
I am a creature of the night so give me my fangs,
or I will fall into the strong sunlight that will kill me."
I ran as fast as I could to the camp.Laying around the fire was about five bodies.There eyes
were gray and there skin was pale.I could sense a faint life in them but it was not enough to
keep them going.I had to find out a way to dispose of those ghosts,and fast or there would
be no more of the pack left,except Merula and I.There was a strange sound coming from one of
the houses and then a creature that took the form of a silhouette jumped out at me.
"SHADOW CLOAK!" I yelled and a black mist covered me.The beast flew off and crashed into a
pile of wood.
"thats no ghost..."I whispered.I ran back to where Merula was last.
"Merula!Those things are not ghosts!"
"there not...?"
"no!One attacked me just then!Ghosts are transparent!They are not silhouettes!"
"okay...thats weird..."
I went into the room finally and saw a sick sight.Merula was laying on the floor,bleeding.
I saw a hand in one corner of the room,a leg leaning on the wall,and her head was on a stake
that stuck out of the floor.
"oh god...Merula..." I whispered and nearly threw up.

I don't mean to be critical towards your work, but I find it hard to immerse myself in your story, I find it a bit rushed, even putting another line in between paragraphs, and adding a bit of description would help slow it down and allow the reader to enjoy it more, I may be wrong, I'm no expert, Grayle is more of the mastermind.  Other than that, I find I really like it, and hope to read more

Last edited by werer (2008-08-22 07:32:22)