Howdy ladies and gents. I'm kind of new to this site, but I've come on to it many a time, finally decided to join.
I write heaps of werewolf/shape-shifter stories and have done so for a few years, but I never know if they are any good. I hope you enjoy this particular story, as I'm still working on it, so I'm posting it in parts. But here is the start of Chapter One.
Also, I'm an Aussie, so my stories have an Australian background.
Constructive critisism is much appreciated, but please don't be mean, I'm still only a rookie.
It’s a dark night. A dingo howls & fruit bats can be heard flapping in the trees.
A young girl, with thick, curly, dark brown hair, is running. She’s running as fast as she can, her breathing laboured, coming in short gasps.
She’s being chased.
Her pursuer is gaining, a grim smile revealing flashing, white teeth. The smile looks more of a hideously enraged snarl. Thick, black fur covers the entire body. Dark, vindictive eyes, with points of light, seeing everything
The girl keeps running.
She comes to a small stream, immediately looking for a shallow point to cross. She finds none, so she hurriedly splashes into the ice cold water, hoping to reach the other side fast. She looks up to find a massive white body, with hatred filled black eyes & vicious fangs, on the others shore.
Something drops into the water behind her. She looks back.
Nothing is there.
She faces the opposite shore again, the black eyes are gone.
She freezes & listens. She hears nothing. No sound of running feet, no sound of something crashing through the undergrowth, no sound at all, accept for the whisper of the water & rustling of the leaves to the nights breeze. Even the bats had stopped their ruckus.
She starts toward the bank again.
Sharp teeth encase her ankle, crashing down on it, shattering bones & slicing through tendons. The girl gives an ear splitting scream of fear & pain. She kicks violently with her other foot, struggling to get to the shore.
The teeth let go.
She starts swimming faster, straining to reach the bank, her ankle chewed through.
Something moves in the bushes as she nears the bank, but she barely notices.
Her good foot touches the creek bed, relief flooding through her at being in shallow water, close to the bank.
The bushes move again, she looks up, distracted.
Teeth come up beside her, taking hold of her side, hooking into clothing & flesh, pulling her back. She lets loose a scream as a flash of white darts out from the bushes & into the water. Her screams are drowned out as she is dragged under the surface of the black water.
Very interesting beginning, Nightstalker.
You chose to use the present tense instead of the traditional past tense in your story - of course, it may be just for the prologue, but it's an interesting choice.
You have a good choice of descriptive words, but I get the feeling that you're holding back. There are plenty of points in this segment where you use simple, quick sentences that could be enriched with even more descriptive words - if you chose to do so, that is. If you are holding back, I might encourage you to let loose a little more; the more descriptive language you use, the more vivid you can make the scene in the mind of the reader.
Your storyline is also rather interesting: A black terror and a white terror reeking deadly havoc on unsuspecting prey. If your beasts are lycanthropic in nature, I find it interesting that they utilize water so effectively in their hunting. That's rather unique, and even refreshing (no pun intended). You have a beginning that focuses on the events, not the characters, which captivates interest in the action, but there's may not be enough yet to get the reader involved with any characters. That's not a big deal, because the rest of the story can develop the characters while this beginning sets the scene for the story itself.
I'd say you have a decent prologue that captures the reader's interest, and it makes us curious to read on. With a bit of fine-tuning in the description area, you'd could really snag the rest of the reader's attention as well and get their eyes glued to the pages.
Bring on some more when you can, Nightstalker!
Thank you, Grayle.
I tired to do a version of it in past tense, but it just didn't seem quite right to me.
I've actually got a bad habit of putting too much into detail into some of my stories and losing the readers interest, so I decided to go for something different for the start, but I will try and use more detail in future.
As for the Duo, they are indeed lycan based.
Okay, well I'm still in Chapter One, hope this is okay, not as thrilling as the last part
Erin sat in her chair that morning, reading the local paper:
“Young Woman Goes Missing”
Lanie Vulch had been found missing early this morning. Her parents had called the police straight away. Erin had known the girl, though never liked her. She had been the beauty queen of their school, a fake, another up herself girl who had made herself like the models the media drool over. Man, did Erin hate Lanie. She hated a lot of people though.
Her phone rang just as her thoughts started to take a negative turn. It was Phae.
“Hey Reaper, how’s it going? You ready?”
“Almost, I just have a few things to pack. Are you?”
“Hell yes, I’ve been ready for a while, least I think I am”
“You’re saying that now, but we both know you’ll most likely forget something”
“Yeah, probs, but we’ll see. I plan on going over everything twice when the guys get here this arvo, so I mightn’t this time”
“Maybe, doesn’t matter if you do. You need me to give you lift to school today?”
“Nah, I’m right, Mike is going to give me a lift in today. Wade too, I think”
“You do know they’ll get into a fight?”
”Nah, Wade said he’ll be good and Mike promised not to talk to him”
“You’re going to take your brothers word on that?”
“Yeah, why not?”
”Never mind. You hear about Lanie?”
“Yup, I hope she gets found, poor girl”
“I didn’t think you were friends with her?”
“Then why do you want her to be found?”
“Don’t you? Her parents probably miss her and she isn’t all that bad, media just screwed her over”
”The media screws most people over”
Erin hears a car horn in the back ground.
“Wade, you nearly ready?... Well hurry up. Sorry Erin, I gotta go, Mike is here. See you at school. Later”
“See you, Phae” The line dies.
Erin hangs the phone up. Typical Phae, she always sees something good in people, likes to make friends with everyone if possible. Erin just couldn’t see how she could take people for face value & love so whole heartedly, trusting people she barely knows.
She was so easy to talk to as well, nearly everyone went to her for advice about some thing at some stage.
‘I guess that’s why she’s my best friend’ Erin ponders to herself.
Erin looks at the clock; it was 8:15 am.
‘Better get to school; otherwise she & the others will be bugged’
Erin grabs her black bag from under her chair, gets up & collects her keys off the breakfast bench. She starts heading down her tiled-floor hallway, white walls covered in pictures of her with her family & friends, only to stop at a picture of her original family.
The picture was of her, her mother, her older sister & younger brother.
Erin’s eyes started to water, so she looked away & headed towards the front door.
Once she was outside, she went around the side of the house to the side gate. It was unlocked, like usual, as no one dared try to break into this house, & with good reason.
Four dogs came rushing at Erin, a blue heeler & Doberman/dingo cross, along with two purebred bull terriers. She bent down so she was at eye level with the dogs, arms opened wide, exposing her chest & throat for the onslaught.
The bullterriers, Jock & Jeddah, were the first to reach her, the blue heeler, Spud, along with Dodger, mere seconds behind. They immediately started licking her & rolling on their bellies, wanting to be patted & scratched.
Erin hugged each dog before getting up & looking for number five.
“That you, Erin?” a cheery, yet distracted voice called from the garage.
“Yeah, Joe, it’s me. Is Jess with you?” Erin asked.
“She’s asleep in the car. You off to school?”
“Yes. I guess you’re still working on the car?”
“You should come with use this weekend, give it a break & take couple days off work”
“No, I’ll pass. Thanks for the offer though, if I get bored or lonely, I’ll come join you & the others”
”Okay, I’ll see you this afternoon then”
With that, Erin turned around, patted each dog, & through the gate, walking only a few metres to her car. It was a done up mustang wreck her & all four of her stepbrothers had found at a junk yard. They’d worked on it hard for a full year before giving up.
They only reason it was alive now was because Joe had told their friend, Phil, or Knuckles as everyone knows him as, about it. Knuckles had a gift with cars & bikes. He made it a hobby to rebuild wrecks, do them up & even just build bikes from scrap metal & second hand parts he bought. So it was natural when he got a job at the local garage.
Erin smiles upon hearing the purr of her car. Even if it still needed work, it was a good car.
She pulls out some CDs that had been made for her & quickly sorts through them, finding one of her favourites, it was a mix of Disturbed & Slipknot, just something Phae & Rome had mixed together for her birthday last year.
Erin played the CD & pulled her car out of the drive & onto the road, metal & rock music blasting away.
hey, i like the intro here, you really get the pack relation feeling, their all so very close.
Thanks Still got a while to go yet though, hoping I can keep the effect for it.
Also, I'm pre-occupied with some school work, so I'll only be able to post parts of the story every second day or so.
Interesting continuation, Nightstalker.
I agree with Goldie - The friendliness and family feeling prevailed in this segment, and rightfully so. It gives the reader the impression that Erin is happy with her life and is not looking for drastic change. That's different from many werewolf stories, where the protagonist is mulling through a life they hate, looking for something else (usually anything else). It's kind of refreshing to find someone who likes their life. If they're comfortable with their life, then the readers will be comfortable with it as well.
I did note a few flip-flops in tense, going from past-tense to present-tense and back again. You can wait to address that in later drafts, but be careful; switching tense structure is usually quite distracting to readers when they read your segments.
I also enjoyed your description of some of the characters as you introduced them to the audience. Your descriptions of the relationships and histories were casual and pleasant to read. I might encourage you to add a bit more visual description to the rooms or yards or garages in question so that the reader can visualize the settings a little easier, but that's up to you and your writing style, really.
This is a very inviting beginning, Nightstalker, and you're doing well in conveying your story to your audience.
Keep it coming!
Here's a bit more for ya's, sorry it took a while to post.
Phae looks up from her drawing, quite perturbed by the interruption, & looks at Michael, with his long gold hair & tall muscled body, who was staring down at her with his dark gold eyes. “Not really, what’s up, kiddo?”
“The sky” he says coolly. Something was on his mind, she could tell.
“Smart ass. Sit down before I make you fall down” she says, patting a spot on the stairs next to her. He complies, which wasn’t too unusual.
“Now then, seriously, what’s wrong, Mike? Something is bugging ya, I can tell”, concern & curiosity starting to creep into her voice. Staring intently at Michael, she waits for him to start talking.
Michael returns her stare, his golden brown flecked gold eyes probing her brown ones, making sure he has her full attention before he starts. “You know how we are all going to the creek for the weekend?”
“Yup, should be fun”
”Maybe… But, your friend that you are bringing along, does he have to come?”
“Yes. Why? Does it bother you?”
“It does actually” Michaels eyes start to heat with his anger.
Phae knew he was mad about it and that she had to calm him down before anything else, or there would be a great deal of trouble.
With a sigh, she threw up her hands “Why does it bother you exactly? Just ‘cause I’ve only just met him doesn’t mean he’ll turn out like Jason. Plus, we knew Jason for years before he did what he did”
”That’s just my point! We knew Jason for a bloody long time before he decided… decided… I can’t even say it” he was trembling with his anger, his eyes starting to colour a darker shade. “We barely know this guy, or his friends, why do you think, that if some one we trusted tried to rape you, that we wouldn’t think a complete stranger wouldn’t try that either? For all you know they could be planning on doing just that!” Mike’s voice was starting to take upon more a menacing volume as he tried to get his point across to his very trusting, & sometimes thick, friend. He has a horrendous temper at times, but it seldom got out of control these days.
“He has a good point Phae; you know that he does as well as we do”
Phae twists around at the controlled voice from up the grey, concrete stairs. Erin, dressed in dark denim pants with a matching jacket, & most of the others stood there, the dreary grey sky, weathered blue metal railings & red brick wall outlining their rather dark silhouettes. They’d all dressed rather darkly, so as the mud wouldn’t stain into their light uniform. All, but Jess, Julia & Dare, looked the part of shadows. The twin girls’ sun-streaked, light gold hair & lightly tanned skin just didn’t cut the part for shadowiness. Their youngest brother, Dare, with his bronzed skin & sun-bleached brown hair, along with a very bright spark of humour in his light brown eyes, also failed upon that part.
“Aw come on guys. Do you all honestly think that he’ll try something with you all there? Rome & you, Mike, would be on him in a flash & beat him to within an inch of his life, not to mention everyone else would no doubt take a turn at it”
“She also has a good point, with us all there, Dom wouldn’t try anything. I’ve met him once before, he’s smart. If he really wanted to harm her, he most likely would have done it before we all meet him” Jess pipes in. She was always one to back Phae up, especially if the arguments were sound. Jess was older than Phae, but her & her twin harboured a great deal of respect for her, looking up to her more than anyone else.
Michael turns his dark gold head, glaring at Jess for her interruption, until Kev steps in front of her, keeping himself between his beloved & returns the glare, he dark brown eyes never faltering, his lean, six foot body tense in its dark blue. Kev was not afraid of Michael, though he knew he should be.
“Michael, stop glaring at Kevin & Jessica already, they didn’t do anything. Now everyone, take a deep breath & just chill, please” Phae was starting to get apprehensive. Michael held a bad reputation for his temper & violent ways; she knew very well what would happen should he lose it & attempt to attack Kev. “Dom is coming, Michael, like it or not. I’ll sleep in the same tent as you, if that’ll make you feel better. He can just sleep all on his lonesome”
Michael eyes were simmering, but calm was coursing through him now. “You better hold your word to that, Phae”
”Yes, I will hold my word to it” Fire flashing into her eyes, it was going to be an interesting weekend for them both, sleeping in the same tent as each other. Won’t it be fun, she mulls in her mind, somewhat sarcastically, it would be more fun to get mauled by a Erin’s bullterriers,
“Well, since you pair is done for now, you wanna get outta those leathers? Bell is ‘bout to go & ya don’t wanna get in a twist with teachers about uniform” Kevin says in a poor imitation of their friend Charlie. Everyone smiles though, accept for Michael, Kevin is a good guy.
They all start stripping down to their grey & white school uniforms, all accept for Phae, who wore dark grey jeans already, along with the white shirt.
The piercing shriek of the school bell rang out a moment later.
Phae jumps at the opportunity to get a way from Michael, collecting her pencil & art-book, shoving them into her blue bag & dashing off, colliding with the solid wall of muscle dressed entirely in black & known to her as Rome, just as he rounds the corner to their cement slab area between two of the school buildings, where they all meet up at the start of school.
Black eyes were staring down at her, probing her, as if knowing that she’d just had another fight with Michael.
Rome was an unwelcoming person to most. At six foot six, muscled & draped in black, most people would give him a wide birth. He talked only to Phae, his siblings & a select few others, his voice usually coming out as a kind of growl. He was the most socially outcast seventeen year old there was & he liked it that way.
He raises his eyes up to meet the simmering gaze of Michael, his eyes turning to black ice. Everyone deems them as friends; everyone who didn’t know them that is, as they were often seen together. They were indeed friends, of sorts, but they both drew apart & went their own ways when it came to certain topics. Besides, neither saw a point in fighting each other, as it would bring pain for the others that was unnecessary.
Phae had known Rome & his family for years; she’d been his first true loyalty & still was.
She gives Rome a hug in welcome, as she does, causing him to break the eye contact between himself & Michael. She had only ever thought of Rome as her big, cuddly panther, as that was how he was, silent, intelligent, dark. Solitary.
His left arm encircles her waist, his right hand pulling her long brown & gold hair from under her jacket, allowing it the freedom to hang as a sheet as they start to walk off together, looking very much like a couple to unknowing eyes. His eyes quickly meet with those of Erin as he turns, something flashing in those crystallized amber depths of hers in the quick contact.
The rest of the group was moving to their separate classes, after making sure Michael wouldn’t blow his top & went about starting their daily school lives.
Not far away, however, a duo set of eyes was watching from the brush. One set was black, the other with points of light. Intelligence flickered in the depths of each eye. They were still unsure of what they had stumbled upon here, but both were looking forward to the unravelling of the puzzle. For now, it was time for rest, as both pairs of eyes silently disappear behind a curtain of leaves & tall grasses, leaving a small smear of blood on the thick vegetation as they went.
They had paid the animals in the school farm a visit this morning.
Nice addition, Nightstalker. You've added a bit of character development and also verified that none of the troupe is part of the demonic duo. It's refreshing to read a story that doesn't try to mislead the reader into suspecting the protagonist or their friends of being the villain. That you for not doing that.
The color change of the eyes for Mike and some of the others, and also that many of them appear to have a golden hue to their eye color adds for a bit of suspicion and anticipation. Adding to that the last paragraph, and what the demonic duo notice about the group, makes the reader want to read on and find out what is happening.
I wasn't going to turn the troupe into a vindictive group of murderers, no no, that just would not suit the warm & fuzzy feeling they all have.... Cept for maybe Mike & Rome....
And The Duo is a curious pair indeed. Troublesome too, when hungry.
Started writing another story too, so I'll probs be posting more to this or the other one as often as I can.
Have a good day all.
Last edited by Nightstalker (2008-09-08 19:37:38)