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#126 2010-02-06 22:56:16

mrRW
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Registered: 2009-12-01
Posts: 126

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

I found the end of this segment interesting as its a bit introspective and gives us another glimpse at Sean's thoughts.  I also liked the part where he recalled his hair turning white as it adds another little mystery for him to ponder.  All in all very suspenseful and leaves the reader wanting more.

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#127 2010-02-07 04:32:06

SilentStrider
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From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 439

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

OOooo... I love your feedback mrRW.  It makes me feel like I've accomplished something good.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support as well.

I'd love to say more, but it's very late for me, plus I have to get up early to work my weekend job.  I also haven't gotten a decent nights rest in quite a few days.  But I would like to update my faithful readers that I have made significant progress into chapter eight, and I have enough to make a new post.  However, I just need a little more time to proofread and to make a few corrections so that the addition will make for a better read.  I think a realistic expectaion for me getting it posted will be late Monday night or early Tuesday morning.

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#128 2010-02-09 13:48:14

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 439

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

Bah!  The indentation seems to be messed up.  Sorry about that.  I'll come back to it later to fix it.  I just don't like how it looks.  It makes me feel like I'm reading something that's all choppy.

(the indentation has been fixed now smile )

Well here's the beginning of the next chapter

Read Enjoy Comment


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 8





        Sean moved about his apartment looking for things he thought were important to take with him for the next five days he was going to be away.  Stopping in the bathroom he grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste and dropped both items into a plastic ziplock bag.  He tossed the little thing into the duffle bag that sat on his bed, and continued his search for anything else he could think of that he might need, or want to bring.

        He still couldn’t believe he had done a complete turnaround and accepted Dawn’s offer to join her and her friends for Thanksgiving.  It was all because of that bizarre email he had gotten Sunday evening. 

        At first he thought it was one of the many spam mails he had allowed to build up. He was going through them mindlessly deleting one at a time with barely a glance at what was in the subject box, when all of a sudden a second window popped up with the message “Would you like your fortune read to you?” The letters were in large print with a cheesy bright flashing green and red background that made the thing impossible to ignore.  He tried to exit out of the popup, but rather than closing, the window changed to a dark background with moon and stars and white ghostly letters that slowly appeared on the screen in a wavy pattern.  The message read “A centuries old soul watches over you, whispering a warning.  Take heed, a veiled threat approaches you during the hours of a great feast.  You would be wise to venture beyond your residence and not return until after the cusp of the moon expires.”

        The words caught his attention, and after he read them over twice, he quickly wrote the message down, before he lost it.  Sean could only presume that his uncle was trying to subtly warn him that the Veil was going to have agents here in the city during the holiday weekend, and he didn’t want Sean to be around when they arrived to conduct whatever business they had in mind.  He prayed he was remaining discreet in his alternate form, and that they weren’t coming here to investigate any strange sightings of a hairy monster prowling about in the dark of night.  He always kept a watchful eye on the news and listened for rumors regarding such topics, but he hadn’t heard anything unusual yet.  Realistically, however, how long could he keep this up before he gained unwanted attention?  He knew he had to somehow come up with a better way to manage his problem.  He only hoped that he still had time.

        It bothered him that the message didn’t have more detail, but he supposed that his uncle had to be careful with anything and everything he did, especially if the Veil was doing their best to keep close tabs on him.  At least he got the warning, and a suggested course of action.  That was the important thing.  All he could do now was follow it to the letter, and to trust that his uncle’s advice was his best course of action.   After he checked a calendar he determined the Monday after Thanksgiving was the best day for him to return.  Essentially anywhere from now to Thanksgiving he needed to be out of the area of Louisville. 

        He had been considering what he would do when to his surprise Tara called him on his cell phone.  She asked him how he was doing and why he hadn’t been answering his phone.  He tried to keep his explanation simple by telling her he had been sleeping off and on all weekend, but he left the topic hanging and could sense she wasn’t satisfied with his answer.  She kept her conversation brief and said that she wanted to get together so she could do some preliminary work helping him gain control over his werewolf side.  He agreed with the idea, but the timing was poor.  The weekend was shot for him and between college and his work schedule there’d be no room for him to see her.

        On a whim, he asked her if the offer to spend Thanksgiving with her and her friends still stood.  She said it did, but wondered what brought on the change.  He didn’t want to tell Tara in detail, but at the same time he didn’t want to lie to her and jeopardize the tentative trust they had developed.  Sean kept his response vague and told her that he’d be willing to offer a more detailed answer later, when time permitted.  Of course she didn’t like not knowing, but she agreed to tell Dawn of his wish to join them.  She even said she would try to smooth things over with Chris in hopes that she wouldn’t completely oppose the idea of him coming with them.

        Throughout the week Sean constantly questioned himself as to whether or not it was a good idea for him to be going with them.  He was finding that it was enjoyable to be in the company of others that were special like him, even though there was some unexplained reason why Tara didn’t want him to mention anything about it.  It was difficult to deny how lonely his life had become, and he welcomed the kindred spirits.

        On the other hand He had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t get close to anyone else ever again, at least until he was no longer hunted.  Even if he couldn’t remember the exact details of the camping incident in the woods, there was enough understanding to know that anyone he got close to was at risk because of him.  That horrible thought alone made Sean feel guilty for his basic need to have friends, and he hated the emptiness that the lack of contact left in his life.  He convinced himself that it was necessary for him to get away for the holiday weekend, and promised that after he returned to college he would keep his distance from the three girls.  No one could afford getting too close to him.

        There was no backing out of his commitment now, so he worked on making last minute preparations with the spare time he had.  Although Tara had suggested that he could take his cat with him, he didn’t feel quite comfortable with the idea.  He decided to look around for animal boarding that would be appropriate for his cat and take good care of her.  Eventually he found a place that he liked called the Pet Hotel, and he took his cat with him to check the place out after his Monday morning classes.  He had to admit that the place seemed well staffed and overindulged with how much they pampered toward their furry charges.  It was slightly more expensive than some of the other places, but at least he knew that his cat liked it and he could try and enjoy the peace of mind that she was going to be well cared for while he was gone.

        The second major problem he had to deal with was his job at the restaurant.  He had already told Ed that he’d be able to work the holiday weekend, and his boss was going to be short handed and appreciated Sean’s help.  Regrettably, he broke the news to him that there had been a change of plans and that he had some personal issues come up he was being forced to deal with.  Ed wasn’t too happy to hear about Sean’s issues, and when he tried to find out the specifics he was even less happy to hear it was personal, and Sean couldn’t discuss it.  He was on the work schedule until Tuesday, and Ed told Sean he could go ahead and work it, but when he got back on Monday he may want to find another job.

        Sean regretted going back on his word when he had originally told his boss that he could work the holiday.  He was honorable and had respectable work ethics, but in the overall picture, this job was nothing compared to the potential danger he could be in if he stuck around.  It simply wasn’t worth it.

        Now he was moving from room to room looking for any small reminders of what he ought to bring or things he needed to take care of before he left.  Only a couple of minutes before he had received a phone call from Tara’s cell.  On the other end was Dawn’s voice informing him that they were on their way to pick him up.  He was frantically trying to get everything done so that he could be down at the sidewalk waiting for them before they pulled up, but he had trouble shaking the feeling that there was something he was forgetting and he wasn’t quite ready enough to leave.

        Finally, feeling frustrated with not being able to satisfy his desperate need to know what he couldn’t remember, he grabbed his duffel bag, scooped up his backpack, and went to leave.  When he opened his door he was startled to see a familiar short person warmly dressed in her long coat leaning against the opposite wall of the hallway.

        “Ready?” Tara asked as though she had been patiently standing there for quite some time waiting for him to exit.

        “How long have you been standing there?”

        “Not that long,” she responded. “Listen, Chris and Dawn are waiting for us in the car so I want to make what I have to say brief.  Let me carry the backpack and walk with me while we talk.” She extended her hand and Sean offered her his backpack wondering exactly what was going on and what the little Wizard had in mind.  He remained silent, prepared to hear what she had to say.

        They started to walk as she spoke. “Here’s the really short version.  I sometimes have dreams that are precognitive.  They don’t always show me things that are useful, but last night I had one of you making a bit of a scene, because I won’t let you mention anything along the lines of the supernatural to either one of my friends.  So, I guess to prevent that, I’d best give some kind of an explanation.”

        They reached the top of stairs and she looked at him to gauge his reaction.  Sean chose to keep his face neutral and to not formulate an opinion until he had heard everything she had to say first.

        “I’m charged with being Dawn’s Guardian,” she continued, “It’s my job to protect her.  But, more importantly, it’s my job to keep her from even knowing that there’s a hidden world of magic, monsters, and so many other things that most people believe only exists in fantasies.  I can’t tell you what she is, or the reason I’m doing what I’m doing, but you have to trust me that it’s for a good reason, and I swear to you I would never do anything to hurt her in anyway.  The fact that I’ve told you even that small fraction about her is enough to get me into huge trouble with my elders.”

        She paused at the second landing and grabbed hold of Sean’s shoulder not letting him go any further and forcing him to turn around and look at her.  He could see the dire need in her face for him to realize how important it was to understand what she was saying.  Her eyes were wide and filled with a seriousness that got Sean’s full attention.  He had to wonder what was the special mystery about Dawn, and why it so important for her to remain a secret.

        “Sean, you have to promise me that you won’t breathe a word of what I told you to anyone.  Because if you do, I… I don’t even want to think about what I would do.  Just promise me.”

        She left absolutely no doubt as to how vital the matter was to her, and the intensity compelled Sean to voice his promise.

        “You’ve got to swear to me, Sean!” she demanded, as though what he had just said wasn’t enough.  She even shook him, emphasizing her point.

        “I swear,” Sean said, nearly taken aback by her devotion to protect Dawn.

        “Good,” she said, dramatically relaxing, and letting go of him while giving a gentle nudge to continue down the stairs.

        “Now as for Chris, she’s a different story.  I’ve known her for more than a year and only about two months ago did I find out that she had some psychic talents.  I don’t know everything she can do, but that’s not the point.  The fact is I’m supposed to be on the lookout for things like this and keeping Dawn away from it.  I don’t know how, but Chris evidently has been so adept at keeping herself from being noticed that not even I detected her.  She’s been friends with Dawn and I too long for me to try, or even want to separate her from us.  I know if it came down to it I’d stand by her and protect her like I do Dawn.  I think you know that.  Now because of my feelings, I don’t want anyone else to find about her either, especially my elders, or else they’ll try to manipulate things to drive her away.  That’s just wrong, and I don’t think I’ll be able to standby if it ever came to that.  So in the end it’s my goal to keep her abilities quiet.”

        Sean couldn’t understand why she didn’t sever her ties after the night she had confronted him at his work place, so he had to ask. “If you’re trying to minimize Dawn’s contact with the supernatural, then why are you letting me hang around still?”

        “Two reasons,” she said, holding up her hand and emphasizing each point with a finger. “One; you saved Chris’ life.  I’m pretty sure of that even if neither one you know exactly what happened down in that alley.  I value that greatly and I’m determined to pay you back in kind.  The best thing I can think of doing for you is to help you earn control as a werewolf.  Second; you’re a drifter.  That’s what most weres are that aren’t part of pack, tribe, clan or whatever term is applicable, and you certainly fill that profile.  I won’t have to worry about you sticking around.  You’ll eventually move on of your own accord.”

        They had reached the main lobby and they both mutually paused to buy enough time so that Tara could finish saying her piece.  Sean looked at Tara and he was reminded of the symbolic image of that golden orb he had seen when he accidentally witnessed the dominant emotion that defined her true self.  She was passionately loyal to her friends and it was clearly dedicated to Chris and Dawn.  She would do almost anything to help them and would stand by them even if they were in the wrong. 

        It was enough to make Sean feel envious.  It was the kind of friendship he always wished he had.  It was the kind of friendship he wished he could give to someone else.

        The two of them stood there for a moment with Tara staring at Sean’s plain face wondering what he thought about everything she had just revealed to him.  He swallowed hard doing his best to not let her see how he felt.

        Sean started to talk, but had to clear his throat before beginning. “I think Chris and Dawn are real lucky to have you as a friend.  I’m sure you’ve got your reasons for keeping Dawn in the dark, and with whatever it is you know, I’m sure you’re doing what you think is right by her.  But, if they’re really your friends then I don’t think you should be keeping secrets from them.”

        Tara opened her mouth as though she were about to say something in her defense, but Sean quickly cut her off. “Don’t worry!  I’m not going to say anything, like I promised.  It’s just my opinion that keeping big secrets like that from people you care about can wind up biting you in the backside later on.  I’d hate to see you lose what you’ve got.”

        Tara seemed to be slightly stunned with the words of wisdom, and Sean took that opportunity to walk ahead and out the main lobby door.  Tara recovered fast though, and was only a second behind him, but Sean enjoyed the minor fact that he had gotten the last word this time.

Last edited by SilentStrider (2010-02-10 03:38:13)

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#129 2010-02-09 21:31:06

stoicfortitude
Member
From: my own little world...
Registered: 2009-09-25
Posts: 394

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

I Have a feeling that the mysterious fortune teller is not his uncle and the "veiled threat" is a bit more dangerous than the Veil. Or I'm overeacting. Which is more likely. But you never know...

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#130 2010-02-10 00:38:27

mrRW
Member
Registered: 2009-12-01
Posts: 126

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

I think this segment could have been compacted into the dinner scene as its more Tara Sean Dawn Chris background setup.  I know you like character development but it seems like your getting stuck on it. 

The introspective stuff about Sean and his relationships w/others and his his fear of repeating past is also well documented. 

At present I think the storyline is lacking a bit of action so as much as I hate to be negative I feel forced to point these things out.....

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#131 2010-02-10 00:57:47

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 439

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

Hehe... I like the way you think stoic, but the warning does indeed come from his uncle and it is suppose to concern the Veil.  When I get to the stage of editing I might add a bit more uncertainty to that part of the scene.  I think it could be viewed that I have my main character leap to that conclusion to easily. 

I decided to make the warning indirect because I was considering that the Veil would be monitoring Gregor despite all his best efforts to keep off their radar.  The Veil wouldn't be able to pin point exactly where Gregor was hiding, but he would still be cautious with everything he did and the message would have been sent to his nephew in a very circumvented route.  Gregor is under quite a bit of stress at this point  in the story while the Veil is playing cat and mouse with him, a position that Gregor feels very unaccustomed to.  This is all background info and may not actually make it into the story, so I don't mind sharing this with my readers.

The next time you'll get to see more of Gregor is during a brief visit he makes to Sean, after Sean has developed a stronger foundation with the three girls that he's with.  I don't think he'll tell Sean of all the troubles he's been experiencing.  It just wouldn't be like him.

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#132 2010-02-10 02:10:08

SilentTerror
Member
Registered: 2010-02-10
Posts: 59

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

Wow just amazing it took about seven hours spread across three days I am only getting on average 7 hrs of sleep a night and I'm typing this from my iPod and didn't register until 5 min ago ( let me tell you that was hectic) and I still hunger for more of the story. I know you appreciate posts so I wanted to tell you how I love your story but I couldn't cause I didn't have an account, so I buckled down and took like 10 min making an account through my iPod and you're lucky I'm typing this just because it is a lot harder from my iPod. So fast forward past me pitying myself and I describe wat I love and way I like in this story. I love the detail I don't know about other people but I'm a fan of brian ?jacques?( O well ) and he does an amazing job of constantly building the suspence. The book may have a total of around 4-5 chapters of action and it's a 25 chapter book ( just estimating ) but it's done in such a way that those few chapters are some of the most memorable scenes you'll ever read, and although the book is kind of dry I can never put it down which is why I was sad when I finshed the series. Well more to the point the details make the story come alive, it is like a movie in my head lol but seriously no post is ever too long. the lack of action in this chapter will help the story in the end. many of your posts provide a lot of foreboding which I like and once you find a publisher and I'm sure it will be published I feel bad for all the people who don't get to experiance the actual creation of the story from post to post and that's why I'm so glad that I get to read it now. This story is outstanding and although I'm not much of a writer I know when I find a good book and yes, I consider this a book in the making. I hope you aren't offended with any gramatical errors it's kinda hard to rely on autocorrect.

Signed by,
a dedicated reader

Last edited by SilentTerror (2010-02-10 02:14:18)


The few, The proud, The Marines. Semper Fi
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"In God we trust: All others we monitor" -- 5th Reconnaissance Squadron (5th RS)
"You'd be cocky too if your missile did MACH 2+" -- 2 LAAD (Low Altitude Air Defense) Battalion. Det 26 MEU (Marine Expeditionary Unit)

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#133 2010-02-10 05:14:55

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 439

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

Thank you mrRW for your honesty.  Of course I don't look for negative feedback, but I greatly appreciate the sincerity of any such individual willing to give it as long as they are able to do so tastefully, which I'd say you have.  On a side note, so far, the best person I've seen pull this off most effectively has been Grayle.  He's got a skillfully way of blending positive and negative feedback in an amazing constructive manner.

I recognize your concern for the lack of action, although I might ask what do you consider to be action, and what would you like to see happen?

I would certainly consider an epic battle between Sean (in his werewolf form of course) and the behemoth werewolf to be an extreme action scene (of which there will be of course >smile ), but not all scenes of action should be so intense, I'm sure you'll agree.  This is a long and detailed story and I have some very spectacular scenes planned out, but the stage needs to be set, and all the players need to be maneuvered into the right places.  In the mean time to get them where I want them to be may not always prove to be very captivating, but I try to at least explain the interesting parts.

For me I considered this brief snippet of chapter eight to be interesting because it shows an interesting detail about Tara and how she can sometimes benefit from an underdeveloped sense of being able to see glimpses of the future while dreaming.  Not only does this fascinating bit  occur here but through what she tells Sean we also learn a few more details about her relationship with Chris and Dawn, and there are hints that confirm that Dawn is special, perhaps in a dangerous way.  So, although, this section lacks action, it certainly lays the ground work for something much larger in the future, and adds to the suspense.

Something else I'd like to mention is how each section gets posted.  I try to post chapters as I go, but now that my writing has slowed down I haven't been able to complete whole chapters before posting.  So most readers at this point aren't getting to see to read the overall chapter, which can have a slightly different feel to it when read all together at once.

When I complete this chapter I must take a look at your suggestion of combining some of the elements of this chapter with the dinner scene.  That may prove to be a useful change that can eventually improve the quality of the story, but I think I'll need to see how I to mesh it together after chapter eight is fleshed out.

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#134 2010-02-10 05:47:33

lonewolf13
Member
From: a time long forgotten
Registered: 2009-06-12
Posts: 161

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

nice segment. but i have a question. did sean take his sword with him this time? well hope to get more soon. SilentTerror i see this as a movie in my haed as well.
smile


"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. ...In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only truth...."
    Alphonse Elric --- Fullmetal Alchemist

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#135 2010-02-10 05:50:09

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 439

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

Let me be the first to welcome you to the Werewolf Cafe SilentTerror smile  I can't help but to admit how truly flattered I am to earn such a complimentary response from you.  It fills me up with all this positive energy that makes me just want to press forward and write some more.  Too bad I have a busy day tomorrow and not much time to get sleep.  I know how time consuming it can be to write messages via an Ipod, and I feel your dedication to take the time to type out all that you did just enhances my appreciation for what you wrote.

As I write, and develop the story to where others can read it, I struggle with refraining from overloading my chapters with too much detail.  There is so much going on in the background and many different aspects of the world that I've developed, but there's just no place for me to include all these fascinating aspects without bogging down everything.  From time to time you may find me include comments here about what's going on behind the scenes, and if readers want to know a little bit more about an aspect of my made up world, say like the Arcanus, this is where I would answer them.  These would be little golden nuggets that no one else would get to see unless you were lucky enough to get to read it here first.

In no way do I consider myself to be offended so far by any comments made to my story so far.  I know grammar and spelling are an eternal curse of any writer that we constantly fight against.  I expect to make those kind of mistakes.  I just try my best to minimize them so as to not disrupt the story too much where it becomes too distracting to read.  This is after all still a rough draft (something that I have to remind myself from time to time), so I know I have to accept that I'm going to have flaws and areas that will need improvement.  I feel like I have to laugh at myself after the fact when my wife gives me a suggestion.  She doesn't always have a gentle way of sharing her piece of mind, and I find myself more willing to reject her ideas.  At least that's how I feel initially, but later after I've had a proper amount of time to let what she's told me to stir around in my imagination, I begin to see validity of what she had to say and I'm able to find a way to incorporate what she had to offer.  I guess it goes to show I can be over protective to my creation, but eventually I have enough sensibility to see reason.

I'd like to let everyone know who has taken the time to share with me their opinions and insights that you people are helping me to write this story.  Whether it be words of encouragement, or helpful suggestions, or pointing out mistakes, you all are making this into a better piece that'll be worth reading in the end.  In a manner of speaking I guess you can say that makes you all co-authors smile  To be sure (as long as no one objects of course), everyone who posted here will most definitely get a place in the acknowledgment section.

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#136 2010-02-10 05:55:47

lonewolf13
Member
From: a time long forgotten
Registered: 2009-06-12
Posts: 161

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

thanks
smile smile


"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. ...In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only truth...."
    Alphonse Elric --- Fullmetal Alchemist

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#137 2010-02-10 06:14:30

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 439

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

Hiya Lonewolf!  I love how you were able to sneak in a comment there while I was in the process of finishing one up.  I know how you feel about the sword.  I love the idea of how it looks and I look forward to seeing Sean use it some more (preferably with deadly intent).  Unfortunately, its true destiny won't be revealed until somewhere late within the second book I've got planned.  Until then I do need to figure out a purpose for the remaining two black stones that are still resting within the scabbard.  If you remember they're supposed to turn white after the potential magic stored within them mature to a purpose and then Sean has to place into the hilt of his sword to finalize the enchantment.

I have a couple of floating spaces within this chapter and the next one that I need to fill in, so I may try to include Sean's sword within there some where.  I'll have to see.  I don't want it to feel like I'm forcing it.

Ahhh... yes.... forcing events within a story.  That's one of the other things I wanted to mention earlier.  Since I have a plan for certain scenes and how I want my characters to act within those scenes, I feel like I have to insert certain events or dialogues to move the story to that final point, such as leading to that epic battle between Sean and the giant werewolf (of which no one has yet been brave enough to make any assumptions yet big_smile )  As I'm writing, one of my fears is creating a part of the story that feels to artificial and gives the reader the feeling like my characters have suddenly gone stale and they're being pushed to act a certain way without proper justification.  If I let that happen then my readers become disconnected and lose interest.  It becomes important for me to make my characters to behave and react to certain situations that they come across and remain true to themselves within the boundaries of their personalities and experience.  Let me tell you this can become a complicated aspect to maintain, but if I can pull it off I believe it will add great depth to everything in the end.

You know something else, as I write, I too see this all as a movie playing out in my head.  I wonder if at one point someone might tell me "Hey, I'd love to make this into a movie."

Hahaha, delusions of grandeur.  I have to laugh at myself. lol

Last edited by SilentStrider (2010-02-10 06:19:50)

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#138 2010-02-10 07:15:29

lonewolf13
Member
From: a time long forgotten
Registered: 2009-06-12
Posts: 161

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

ok, this just a thought but this would kick the crap out of underworld in my opinion if made into a movie
hope to get more soon.
your loyal read and fan lonewolf13.
smile


"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. ...In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only truth...."
    Alphonse Elric --- Fullmetal Alchemist

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#139 2010-02-10 18:52:54

SilentTerror
Member
Registered: 2010-02-10
Posts: 59

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

I second that This story would be epic if it were to be made a movie I just have to say OMG for how often you post, I just got back from school an hour or so ago and there is an incredible amount of comments btw I thank you for putting us in the acknowledgements section if you did because, that would be really cool i might even buy the book to say ya that's me ya I know, you're jealous and they'd be like that's not you and I would be like I'm totally serious and I would get somewhere where there is wifi and would sign in and would be like suck it and to make a long story short I would greatly appreciate and have fun with it

now on the topic on the story iunderstand that there has been no use of the sword and I'm interested to read about how that goes a suggestion might be to let it become almost like a part of him you know where he might be able to have an epic fight with the werewolf and the sword changes as he changes but idk just a suggestion

and on an unrelated side note aren't hot pockets good
srry I'm eating one rite now

and another thing, I want to see more of seans uncle he rlly made things interesting in the beginning and I wonder how he is faring without Sean or any1 else for that matter

other than that I find nothing really that catches my eye the story is a one of a kind story so I congratulate you for that

                              ^....^ ,,,
Lonewolf.      Hi Tail (^_^) ( (
                             (   /  |-) )
                             ,,,, ,,,_,,/

omg I shouldn't have even attemted that I made that up on the spot and constantly swithing menus took me a good 20 min o well it's rlly cool and worth it btw if you're wondering why a hi tail it's cause lonewolf can see this story like a movie and cause there are no good fingers that would work o well

Last edited by SilentTerror (2010-02-10 18:55:12)


The few, The proud, The Marines. Semper Fi
Integrity first, Service before self, Excellence in all we do. -- Airforce Core Values
"In God we trust: All others we monitor" -- 5th Reconnaissance Squadron (5th RS)
"You'd be cocky too if your missile did MACH 2+" -- 2 LAAD (Low Altitude Air Defense) Battalion. Det 26 MEU (Marine Expeditionary Unit)

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#140 2010-02-10 19:07:58

SilentTerror
Member
Registered: 2010-02-10
Posts: 59

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

On a side note I find myself amazed at how much I right without meaning too because my last post was massive even if I type rlly fast

btw I'm still thinking about it but my xbox gamertag is currently XxWarxVeteranxX and although I really like that name like always I'm inclined to change it and I was wondering that when I made my account on this site why the username should be and iveas very close to putting it as XxWarxVeteranxX but changed my mind at the last moment when I started thinking that SilentTerror is more befitting to a website like this but to make a long story short is SilentTerror something that would be cool to have as Ann xbox live gamertag

o well here I go again typing up a storm not even 5 min after typing my last post so ya I would love some suggestions hopefully with the word Silent in it because it's such an epic word just listen to the sound of it ,Silent, or the way it looks.                          ^ I mean it just looks so cool but what do I know


The few, The proud, The Marines. Semper Fi
Integrity first, Service before self, Excellence in all we do. -- Airforce Core Values
"In God we trust: All others we monitor" -- 5th Reconnaissance Squadron (5th RS)
"You'd be cocky too if your missile did MACH 2+" -- 2 LAAD (Low Altitude Air Defense) Battalion. Det 26 MEU (Marine Expeditionary Unit)

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#141 2010-02-10 21:52:24

mrRW
Member
Registered: 2009-12-01
Posts: 126

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

So I have to point out a slight contradiction where you had previously written that Sean needed to go the park and transform over the weekend. 

All of the sudden hes slept all weekend and cant meet Tara because of his schedule and the chance for some potential action is not taken. 

Hopefully that helps in terms of action I'd like to see.  I'm going to agree with the others and wonder what ever happened to the sword?  <-- More potential action! And don't forget that I did earlier make a suggestion on a harp scene.

To summarize, supernatural stories are more interesting when supernatural elements are included.  The longer you go without those elements the greater the risk of turning suspense into boredom.

Last edited by mrRW (2010-02-11 00:18:49)

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#142 2010-02-11 01:59:11

lonewolf13
Member
From: a time long forgotten
Registered: 2009-06-12
Posts: 161

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

thanks SilentTerror
the pic is awsome
smile
                              ^....^ ,,,
Lonewolf.      Hi Tail (^_^) ( (
                              (   /  |-) )
                             ,,,, ,,,_,,/

Last edited by lonewolf13 (2010-02-11 02:40:35)


"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. ...In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only truth...."
    Alphonse Elric --- Fullmetal Alchemist

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#143 2010-02-12 08:55:25

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 439

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

I'm not ready yet to post my next segment in this chapter yet, but rest assured that I'm spending what little free time I have trying my best to get there.  I'm still fine tuning some details and making sure I present certain elements properly so that they allude to future events.  I'm also working through some sections of dialogue and trying to decide if they're necessary or not.  I think I'm just going to include it and decide during the editing if I'm going to chop it out, keep it, or modify it.  I think the conversations do provide a bit more insight to the characters and where they're coming from, plus I feel it's very important to create that emotional quality that ties a reader's imagination to the important individuals within the story, and how I wrap this chapter up and the majority of the next one is a very critical writing moment for me.  I want to say more, but I think I'll ruin it if I do, so I'll bite my tongue (or fingers as it were) for now.

Thanks to your suggestions I think I've worked a scene in toward the end of this chapter with Sean making use of his sword, however I hope you're not disappointed with the fact that he's not using it to cut anything or anyone with it yet.  The swords main purpose isn't a tool for destruction, but rather a tool to aid him mentally.  Let me tell you, the poor guy needs it (I'll tell more about that in the next paragraph).  He uses his sword-chi as a way to meditate and to focus.  It helps to bring balance into him, and makes him more capable of controlling his baser urges, or as he likes to see it, makes him feel more human.

Here's a bit of a background spoiler.  The night Sean was bitten by that giant werewolf, well it biting him was more of an accident.  It did it out of frustration and it was p!$$ed that there were all these special people around trying to ambush it.  The thing was trying to absorb Sean's soul in order to complete a very lengthy and complicated blood ritual that's spanned centuries.  Sean happens to be that last soul it needs to finish this catastrophic ritual.  However, timing is important, and Sean wasn't at the right age at that point.  The Veil had done something to trick the giant werewolf creature into believing it was so that they could try and capture the beast.  Unfortunately for them they greatly underestimated the beast's strength and it slaughtered them.

Gregor saved his nephew, there was a big chase scene between the desperate vampire and the giant werewolf, but in the end cunning Gregor managed to escape both the giant werewolf and the rising sun.  That might make for an interesting side story to post here... you know, like a writing exercise, or something to do just for kicks.  It's one of those exciting action packed events that I know mrRW would absolutely enjoy, but takes place before the story begins.

Any way I'm getting side tracked.  To make a long story short, Sean had his soul ripped away from him and he was practically no better off than a vegetable, he couldn't die because there's a certain blend of magic and fate that surrounds him (because of that whole ritual thing mentioned earlier) that, as of this point, no one else is fully aware of yet.  Gregor had to spend a great deal of time (at least a couple of months) reconstructing Sean's mind through psychic surgery.  There was literally nothing left in his mind.  No memories.  No knowledge of how to speak.  No motor control over his limbs.  He was just a fleshy husk in the shape of a human and nothing more.  What Gregor did for his nephew was something immensely complicated and near impossible for almost any one else to do. 

Part of his solution to rebuilding Sean's mind was to copy some of his knowledge into his nephew, such as basic language skills, among many other things.  Essentially Sean has certain qualities that reflect his vampiric uncle.  I've tried to drop subtle hints of this already, but there really isn't enough present in the story for the reader to pick up on yet, but it will surface eventually in a dramatic way.  Some of the hints are demonstrated with Sean's musical abilities, and math skills.  His uncle is an unparalleled genius, and when Sean engages in tasks without consciously thinking about it, such as a math test, he can tap into some of that knowledge.  But, when he's consciously trying he's depending more so on his own personal knowledge and experiences.  So, in the case of that math test, he sucks at it when he's fully awake and trying, but does great when he's half a sleep.  As the story progresses and builds you'll get to see more of this played out in unexpected ways.

I think I'd also like to add that, mentally, Sean is not a perfect copy-pasted duplicate of his uncle.  Gregor only did enough to get his nephew functioning again, and then let Sean redevelop on his own so that he would create his own identity and sense of self.  Take this and add to the mix that Sean's mind has created an alternate personality to deal with his werewolf self, and the fact that he has this very large, mysterious, unstoppable powerful creature hunting him with certain death waiting for Sean at the conclusion of it, and the multiple traumatic events he's endured (the violent way in which he was bitten, his parents died, the multiple bloody fights he and his uncle have gotten into, and the deaths he witnessed of Rose and his friends), we have a guy with a very fragile and broken mind that's being held together by scotch tape.  This, by the way, is one of the reasons his uncle was very strict on teaching him how to mentally guard his mind, which we see through Chris's earlier experience when she tried to read his mind like she does with everyone.  If a telepath, or anyone else with a similar skill, got inside his head, they could easily damage him, even if they didn't mean too.  At least that's the idea I'm going with for now.

I know this is a relatively long post and not a continuation of the chapter I'm working on, but i hope this bit of background info might satisfy you guys for now as I work more on the story itself.

Hmm... oh yea let me respond to some more of your other comments.

SilentT (is that okay as a nickname?), there will most definitely be more of Gregor the vampire.  He is a crucial character to the whole story, and he acts as a father figure and mentor to Sean.  I like him a lot too, and he is a very complicated character full of intricacy and surprises.  He's also someone I have to be very careful with, because he does have an unfair amount of power that could unbalance certain scenes if I don't work them out correctly.  But, alas, like all vampires, he's not without his weaknesses.  I plan on dedicating one of my chapters on him (through his perspective) with his prodigy Anna as they uncover a crucial element that can lead to Sean's salvation.

mrRW, I know you want to see more action and you feel like I missed an opportunity with Sean transforming and letting the dog out for a walk, so to speak.  But I felt like it would have been more on the boring side, because Sean blacks out when he changes and his alternate, baser personality takes over, and to demonstrate that blackout affect I don't describe what happens from Sean's point of view.  I must say I haven't really developed that perspective yet, but I admit that could prove interesting.  I don't want to back track in the story at this point, but in the future I'll consider adding that and when I get done and go back to edit I'll have to consider throwing some scenes in there with Sean's alter ego in the pilot seat.  That would be a very action driven character, wouldn't it?

I know it may seem like a cheesy cop out to give him troubling nightmares and sleep deprivation to endure throughout the weekend, but he did have a brief reprieve of letting his werewolf side out when he transformed to rescue Chris from those... strange assailants (they weren't human, but you'll get to see in detail soon, and it's a good descriptive bloody scene too).  The amount of time he spent in his werewolf form wasn't long so it hardly lessened his need to change, but this also serves to keep him more on edge while he's at Dawn's home sharing the holidays with her family and friends.  I want him to change here, and I'm thinking his edginess might cause some problems for him too.

Last edited by SilentStrider (2010-02-12 09:11:39)

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#144 2010-02-12 09:27:57

SilentTerror
Member
Registered: 2010-02-10
Posts: 59

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

OooOooOOoooo I love the post it really does give some nsight to the story

which btw love the nickname it makes me feel black (mr t , silentT )

the background info rlly helped when trying to make sence of a lot of this but I gotta go so I'll be writing back ltr


The few, The proud, The Marines. Semper Fi
Integrity first, Service before self, Excellence in all we do. -- Airforce Core Values
"In God we trust: All others we monitor" -- 5th Reconnaissance Squadron (5th RS)
"You'd be cocky too if your missile did MACH 2+" -- 2 LAAD (Low Altitude Air Defense) Battalion. Det 26 MEU (Marine Expeditionary Unit)

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#145 2010-02-12 09:38:42

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 439

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

I like the TerrorKitty sad

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#146 2010-02-12 19:00:39

SilentTerror
Member
Registered: 2010-02-10
Posts: 59

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

Like terror kitty? Lol hilarious I know but I now understand a little more of the story and won't be able to wait for the next post unless you write more and concerning the sword I think that the choice of not using the sword for deadly intent I really want to know how you will use it to further seans coping with the werewolf o well what can you say you got me hooked


The few, The proud, The Marines. Semper Fi
Integrity first, Service before self, Excellence in all we do. -- Airforce Core Values
"In God we trust: All others we monitor" -- 5th Reconnaissance Squadron (5th RS)
"You'd be cocky too if your missile did MACH 2+" -- 2 LAAD (Low Altitude Air Defense) Battalion. Det 26 MEU (Marine Expeditionary Unit)

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#147 2010-02-12 20:03:42

furball
New member
Registered: 2009-11-09
Posts: 4

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

Silentterror, I believe that Jaqcues(?) is prononced jakes, though I call him jacks. Also, to silentstrider, I am, in a nutshell, good at making conections.

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#148 2010-02-12 21:02:00

stoicfortitude
Member
From: my own little world...
Registered: 2009-09-25
Posts: 394

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

Something weird happened and somway I logged in as furball. I'm still not sure how thaT HAPPENED.

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#149 2010-02-12 21:31:30

SilentTerror
Member
Registered: 2010-02-10
Posts: 59

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

You are right stoic it is prununciated? As jakes because although I can't remember the book it tells you how it is pronounced at the end of it tho I don't kno why you're saying anything about his name


The few, The proud, The Marines. Semper Fi
Integrity first, Service before self, Excellence in all we do. -- Airforce Core Values
"In God we trust: All others we monitor" -- 5th Reconnaissance Squadron (5th RS)
"You'd be cocky too if your missile did MACH 2+" -- 2 LAAD (Low Altitude Air Defense) Battalion. Det 26 MEU (Marine Expeditionary Unit)

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#150 2010-02-12 21:44:05

stoicfortitude
Member
From: my own little world...
Registered: 2009-09-25
Posts: 394

Re: SilentStrider's untitled story

no reaason but my own

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