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#1 2009-01-05 18:09:37

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

moonfur's story

just startin so if anyone wants to help me you can smile


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#2 2009-01-05 19:02:25

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

this is my first part tell me what you do and dont like k?

Part One

It was cold as usual.It's always cold in Larex.Some time ago a great king called Terith The Great won over a hundred battles with one army.He was the best leader Larex could ever have but he was greedy.All he ever wanted was more.More gold,more power,whatever he could get more of he wanted it.His greed was his downfall as he heard of a gem called the Frozen Feather.It supposedly had the power to make a mortal a god.So he found it by way of gossip and old tales but,as he touched it it broke and encased Larex in eternal coldness.It was odd magic for it never snowed,plants grew,and water never froze.But then came a time called the Cruel Dark.Right when the sun went down into the horizon it became so cold that if a person was caught in the Dark he would freeze in seconds.The Frozen Feather was said to come from an angel and to only be looked upon never touched.From there on the land was cold ever since,condemed by a man's greed......


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#3 2009-01-05 19:52:28

silver&gray
Member
From: The States.
Registered: 2008-12-10
Posts: 33

Re: moonfur's story

Very Good though the next installment should be longer.


Good and Evil shows through in all of us.
But it depends what we are inside.
By the Prickling on my thumb, Something Wicked this way comes-Shakespear.
There is no good or evil depending how you look at it.

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#4 2009-01-05 19:58:21

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

thx thats all the history lecturing you will get for the moment


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#5 2009-01-05 20:30:08

Niktoma
Advocatus Diaboli
Registered: 2007-07-20
Posts: 1077
Website

Re: moonfur's story

Nice start, it sets a dark, yet somehow hopeful tone, I like it.

One or two small things, though.  There's always a space after punctuation.  Nowadays, people are taught that one space after a period is fine, but old-timers, and people like me, who learned to type on typewriters instead of computers, prefer two spaces at the end of a sentence.  Either way is fine, it just visually improves the flow, and provides a physical break between what may be separate thoughts.

It's also a little redundant (a great king called Terith The Great), and there are a few missing comas.  In my writing, I find the best way to catch those sorts of things is to read what you've written out loud.  Obviously, you don't have to scream it or anything, but hearing what you've written makes redundant words easy to spot, and any place where you naturally find yourself pausing probably needs a coma.  After all, you, as the author, are the only one who knows what you're trying to say.  Using the correct punctation in the correct spots makes sure that the reader is getting the same message that you're trying to convey.

That's it, aside from those little things, I'd say you're off to a solid start.  Keep it up. smile


'OK, how about werewolves?' said the voice eventually.
'What do they look like?' asked the kid.
'Ah, well, they look perfectly normal right up to the point where they grow all, like, hair and teeth and giant paws and leap through the window at you,' said the voice.

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#6 2009-01-06 15:46:22

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

thanks ill work on it.  eventualy ill get the next part up....


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#7 2009-01-06 22:26:26

FenrirVik
Space Cowboy
From: Home
Registered: 2007-11-13
Posts: 5368

Re: moonfur's story

Niktoma is right. It's in need of a little work but you got your feet on the ground, and are getting a running start.


Synchronicity

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#8 2009-02-05 23:00:38

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

heres the actual story beginning part and sry for taking sooo long
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
chapter one:  The kids

"When will we get there?  It's almost dark! " Seth asked for the tenth time.    Seth was the vampire of the group.He joined the group a while ago because he said he wanted to protect Sarah, at that time it was Sarah and Tereth.  He had jet black hair and the vampire like ivory colored skin.  He was two hundred years old although, he looked sixteen, which was a problem because someone might ask his age.  He usually tells people sixteen, but he seemed too smart for a sixteen year old boy.  He was thin but not twig thin.  He just looked like a normal boy, not wierd accept the fact that he wore black clothes all the time.  They were walking down a gloomy street as the sun was setting slowly at their backs.

"What are you worried about?  You and the mutt are the only ones that can stand the cold. " Sarah said unable to ignore him any longer. "Hey you are the one I care about, you are the one that will freeze to death in the cold if we don't get there soon. "Seth replied.  Sarah is a Magic Wielder.  When she met Seth she tried to make her gold-blonde hair black like his. Something went wrong with the spell though and she now has gold hair streaked with black making her look dark but beautiful.  Seth says she looks like " a beautiful but dangerous spider on its spun trap." Seth liked metaphors alot, but he said that was his favorite.Sarah was thirteen and her body looked almost elvish,but she wore a red dress with two dragons woven into it.

"Hey guys don't worry about me I'm going to go hunting, don't leave that guy alone Sarah he might run off again." said Tareth. He ran off further into the city.  They all call him Teth, though and he is a Moonwolf.  People call them werewolves, but not him, Tareth wanted to make a name for himself.  He is thirteen too and looks like a normal boy, small, ruffled hair, and dirty.  The only odd thing about him is that his eyes are dark yellow.  "Yeah go do your thing Teth we'll be in The Hollow.  Hey, bring back ten dollars! I want pizza tonight!" Sarah yelled after him.

Last edited by Moonfur (2009-02-06 23:33:02)


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#9 2009-02-06 23:15:33

FenrirVik
Space Cowboy
From: Home
Registered: 2007-11-13
Posts: 5368

Re: moonfur's story

Interesting. A 200 year old hanging around younglings. I can tell your working on description.


Synchronicity

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#10 2009-02-07 22:49:16

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

here's chapter 2 enjoy!
---------------------------------
chapter 2 watery beauty

"Where is he going, and what does he mean by hunting?"  Seth asked a little worried.  "Nowhere, and he's a werewolf.  Didn't you know that?  Anyway he brings back money from his kills, and since I am the only one who actually eats food we don't need that much.  Now lets get going, we are almost there."  They suddenly came to a dead end in the street and Sarah remembered that the city had a wall around it, and it was dark now so the temperature was rapidly dropping.  "Oh no!  Sarah, I need to get you out of here before you freeze!"  Seth blurted out and, before long he had her in his arms running with vampiric speed down the street.  "Seth, you don't know where--"  She never even finished her sentence when they came to an abrupt stop.  They were on a cliff looking out to a small island in the middle of the sea.  He set her down gently on a small patch of flowers in the middle of the grassy cliff.  "How did you know where to go?"  She said, sounding confused.  "I read your thoughts.  Ok I see where we are headed but how do we get there?"  Seth asked more worried than before.  "Don't worry, let me show you what I can do."  Sarah started chanting some language unknown to Seth that soon, started to bother him badly.Then, after what seemed another eternity to Seth,Sarah told him to follow her.  Then she jumped off the cliff into the water!  Seth, thinking she was trying to kill herself, jumped after her, but when he looked down (The thing you are NOT supposed to do.) he saw that there was a hole in the water.  He fell in the hole to find that there were tunnels in the water that were magickly carved.  He had never seen something like this before!  The tunnels wound this way and that, twisting and turning, the watery walls glistening with the captured moonlight. He was lost in the beauty when Sarah called to him "Are you going to stand there all night or come with me?"

Last edited by Moonfur (2009-02-07 22:51:12)


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#11 2009-02-07 22:55:31

FenrirVik
Space Cowboy
From: Home
Registered: 2007-11-13
Posts: 5368

Re: moonfur's story

Short and sweet, the chapters a little short. Try working on paragraphs and separation of ideas for now.


Synchronicity

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#12 2009-03-10 00:49:55

vampfire
Member
From: The darkness of the shadows
Registered: 2009-02-23
Posts: 207

Re: moonfur's story

i like these do you have anymore chapters?  i would love to read them if you do you have very good writing skills and who knows you just might create the next great book mabye even better then the twilight books they where good books although a little misinformed but still good book.


keep to the shadows and never be seen, enter the light keep senses keen

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#13 2009-03-10 15:30:17

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: moonfur's story

You have a very imaginative premise here, Moonfur.
  I appreciated the diversity of the group, along with the descriptions of the water tunnels. Very original!

  I might recommend a stronger stance with grammar and spelling, as much of the story was difficult to follow through the run-ons. I also noticed many changes in tense from one sentence to another - that can also distract your readers. You might want to read the Aspiring Writers sticky for practical suggestions on preparing your writing for posting in your thread.

  That being said, you have an original idea here, and that alone makes the story worthy of continuation.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#14 2009-03-11 13:00:25

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

thx grayle ill work on it and sire...i have to get off my lazy butt and work on it,but i will get it up don't worry


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#15 2009-03-16 22:06:41

Vancariad
Member
From: Canada eh?
Registered: 2008-09-23
Posts: 1420

Re: moonfur's story

Super-Coolness Moonfur!!!!  I can't wait to hear a little more about the werewolf character.


Charle Brown is NOT amused.

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#16 2009-03-16 22:17:49

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

humph.eh don't worry we will meet him in The Hollow.and meybe she will have her pizza lol


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#17 2009-03-16 22:18:42

Vancariad
Member
From: Canada eh?
Registered: 2008-09-23
Posts: 1420

Re: moonfur's story

Heh heh.

I like pizza.

Pizza is yum.


Charle Brown is NOT amused.

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#18 2009-03-16 22:24:26

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

-.-


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#19 2009-03-16 22:35:34

Vancariad
Member
From: Canada eh?
Registered: 2008-09-23
Posts: 1420

Re: moonfur's story

Don't look at me like that!  You cannot deny that Pizza= happy tummy and tastebuds!  You merely cannot.


Charle Brown is NOT amused.

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#20 2009-03-16 22:44:32

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

nope i cannot smile


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#21 2009-03-16 22:46:04

Vancariad
Member
From: Canada eh?
Registered: 2008-09-23
Posts: 1420

Re: moonfur's story

Good.  Because if you were a Twilighter AND hated pizza, I beleive I would have had to shun you.  JK JK JK JK JK JK!!!!

Anyhoo, I really like this story, and I can't wait to see what punx does with the drawings.


Charle Brown is NOT amused.

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#22 2009-03-16 22:54:00

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

k you look at my poem?


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#23 2009-03-17 01:00:05

Vancariad
Member
From: Canada eh?
Registered: 2008-09-23
Posts: 1420

Re: moonfur's story

The Hobbit one?  I stumbled across it whilst I was looking for this, but I'll go check it out in a sec.


Charle Brown is NOT amused.

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#24 2009-03-17 14:02:39

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: moonfur's story

yep


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#25 2009-03-19 20:28:49

vampfire
Member
From: The darkness of the shadows
Registered: 2009-02-23
Posts: 207

Re: moonfur's story

hum i did not know that you had a poem on here i must go check on it


keep to the shadows and never be seen, enter the light keep senses keen

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