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#51 2009-03-04 20:45:01

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Thanks guys. The encouragment means a lot to me. I'm kindda going through some bad times right now, so my writing spirit is a bit dampened. However, I do have an excess of 120 pages, so here's some more. I've been having difficulties with keeping up with stories, too. I can't wait to get out of this slump. And Grayle, I would love for any reccomendations at all smile Thanks for always being so supportive.

Chapter 5
    By the time he disembarked from the bus and began to stroll lazily down his neighbourhood, the sparse sunlight was beginning to slither beneath the horizon – vanquishing under the blanket of darkness.
    Above, Alex could see the slight indication of a half-moon hanging in the darkening sky. Since no starlight shone in the city, the moon was the only source of light for those within his neighbourhood, casting a chalky glow. The streetlamps were shattered and vandalized. The city officials no longer bothered to reinstall new ones, as someone else would destroy them.
    As he peered at the near-ruins of his neighbourhood, he knew that the police had given up on it long before he arrived.
    Houses stood ominously under the cloak of darkness, their roofs sunken and shingles curled with age. Rotted wood peeled away from the house as windows were sheathed with aluminum foil or boarded over. The lawns were yellowed and dead, as dead as the neighbourhood. Old, rusted vehicles that had long since been rendered unsafe rested on their lawns, windows smashed and doors missing.
    The streets were vacant, devoid of life as old, gnarled trees cast eerie shadows along the cracked, scorched surface. Beer bottles were strewn about, tarnishing the already grungy neighbourhood.
    Every once in a while the crackle of gunfire would split through the silence and the distant howls of neglected dogs would ring throughout the city.
    Alex felt the cool breeze of night nip tenderly at his flesh and he exhaled, plumes of fog rolling from his lips.
    With angst, he knew he had once had a life – something he was proud of. Now, he knew, he had nothing. Absolutely nothing.
    Not long ago his father was murdered. The very thought left an unpleasant taste in Alex’s mouth. It had been the beginning of his anger, which hadn’t become present until his mother left him shortly after. She left without warning, but Alex remembered how she could not look at Alex without crying. He remembered after his father’s murder when she looked into his eyes. She wept, and Alex knew there was nothing he could do – no comfort he could offer but complete isolation.
    And so he accepted that she could not bear to look at him knowing some part of her husband existed in him. The thought made Alex’s heart twist with angst and he clenched his jaw to prevent a wave of emotion from flooding him.
    Exhaling sharply, he aggressively buried his fists in his pockets. Slowly he was regaining the strength he had lost, as though the cool night air was replenishing it.
    He averted his eyes to the weathered, old apartment building. It had endured two fires over the last year, both of which were acts of vandalism. The bricks were charred out front where the fire had caught and licked upward past the first floor. Alex was surprised the old lady didn’t just take her money and leave. The building was a lost cause.
    Reluctantly, he collected his thoughts before he entered the ten storey building to the fourth floor where his apartment resided. The tiny, smoggy apartment faced the street, which caused all of the disruptive noises to leak through the windows and disturb his sleep.
    When he opened the frail door to the apartment, the putrid odours of stale beer, cigarette smoke, and perspiration struck him like a brick wall. He brought his arm to his nose to mask the raunchy odours, but to no avail.
    The air was thick and dank, the sour smell repulsing as he sauntered down the short, narrow hallway. The hallway led to the living room, which he unwillingly entered. The carpets, once white, were now brown with age, stained from beer and various other items. His feet ploughed through the beer bottles and cigarette butts to the decrepit couch ahead.
    The dilapidated couch was adorned with musty sheets and soiled pillow, the only means of bedding for Alex. But as he glanced down at the putrid couch, the scents rolling from the threadbare fabric made his nose curl in disgust. He had never noticed it as fiercely as he did now.
The thought of sleeping on such an abomination repulsed him, but as he gazed at his surroundings, he knew he had little choice.
    The nicotine-stained walls were peeling of their once white paint, revealing the brown drywall beneath. The room was plunged in near darkness, so Alex situated himself on the couch and flicked on the lamp beside the sofa. The filaments buzzed noisily as electric currents rippled through it, the shape of the furniture casting sinister shadows across the room. The sight was unnerving.
    Alex’s green eyes scrolled around the room, noticing the small television propped in the far left corner of the tiny space.  Above, nearly consuming the entire wall was the window. It was foggy from neglect and riddled with spider web cracks.
    Though numerous thoughts continued to barrage Alex, he felt a sudden, fierce fatigue consume him. With his eyes weighing heavily on him, Alex knew it was a result of the drug. He didn’t want to fall into blissful slumber, for he feared that he would never wake – that the drug would silently take his life as he slept.
    Despite his reluctance to sleep, Alex felt the inevitable pull of darkness veil him and so, relenting, he buried his head into a musty pillow and allowed sleep to overcome him.


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#52 2009-03-05 02:12:26

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
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Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

My word, Punx - your descriptive talents really shine in this passage!

Just my opinion here:
  I think the entire neighborhood wouldn't get that far without being quarantined, would it? Osha would have a field day with it all. Granted, much of the descriptions may be enhanced by Alex's new awareness, but if that's the case you may want to make a comment of how Alex never noticed how bad the environment actually was, or something to that effect. Otherwise I think the city would have shut it down for health reasons by now.

  That being said, I also loved how the rank odor pummeled Alex's new sensory levels. I believe I remember what's coming up next, which will only add a new smell for Alex to gag upon, but the way you describe his trying to fit back into a life which he now knows to be so repulsive was extremely tragic and destitute.

  Wow! Nicely done! Keep it coming when you can, okay?


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#53 2009-03-06 03:01:33

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Thanks, Grayle. You made a really good point that I intend to incorporate in my story big_smile


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#54 2009-03-08 09:24:47

Kate94
New member
Registered: 2009-02-26
Posts: 9

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

I really like your style of writing smile

Post more please!!

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#55 2009-03-08 20:35:08

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Thanks big_smile I'm a little iffy on this scene...

His dreams were garbled and perplexing. As though present in a theatre, watching the dream from the back row, he saw a flash of chestnut fur flit across his vision. Whatever it was, it moved with unfathomable speed, so stealthy and swift it appeared only as a blur of colour.
    But as he peered closer, he saw a beast with fierce bullion eyes glowering through the darkness and the glimmering of elongated canines jutting from its black lips. It grinned wickedly at Alex as threads of saliva spewed from its snapping maw.
   
    Only when Alex awoke did he realize that it was only a dream, though it felt stronger than any dream he had ever experienced. For a brief moment, as he lay on the couch in the dull lamplight did he consider the dream reality. But as he glanced at his dreary surroundings he realized it was only a nightmare.
    He felt a cold sheet of sweat on his forehead, but yet his body was burning with fever. He inhaled sharply, trying to steady the sporadic beating of his heart and his uneven breaths. He hurled the blankets from his pale form, the heat within his body becoming unbearable.
    Blinking the sleep from his eyes, Alex moaned from the discomfort the heat was providing. His throat was dry as sandpaper and his tongue was parched and pasty. A coppery flavour was heavy on his tongue, like the flavour of blood. But he felt no wounds that would explain the phenomena.
    He blindly grasped for his cell phone to check the time. The incandescent screen revealed it to be 2:00am and he sighed. How long had he been out? It hadn’t seemed that long – just mere minutes, he thought.
    Furrowing his eyebrows with perplexity, he rolled over on his side, registering the ache that pulsed through his body with every movement. But his fatigue was too overwhelming to pay any heed. As he closed his eyelids, his body twitched with discomfort.
His skin began to tingle as though thousands of pins were being pressed against his flesh. Shivering from the unknown sensation, he scratched the back of his neck where the irritation was most prominent, but nothing could ease that itch.
However, he was torn from his bewildered state as voices hummed in the apartment. Alex’s heart constricted in his chest and he gripped the couch tightly. There were two muffled voices, one female and the other male.
    For a brief moment, Alex remained pinned to the couch by fear that someone was within the apartment, but as he strained his ears, his brows knitted. The voices were not coming from within. Curiosity and astonishment prompted him to his feet.
    Warily, his eyes scanned the room, seeing no one. With further caution, he crept to the massive window overlooking the street and saw – under the chalky moonlight – two people conversing.
    Alex’s eyes widened with disbelief and he staggered backwards back onto the couch. “What the hell’s wrong with me?” He murmured distantly, his eyes sweeping over his hands. His throat swelled as he searched for an answer, finding a definitive one.
“The serum,” he whispered. ‘It must’ve done something to me,’ Alex considered with horror. Could it be fatal? He did not know.
    ‘Or maybe,’ he contemplated in a meagre attempt to console himself, ‘my subconscious is creating the symptoms.’
    Massaging the back of his neck between his sweaty palms, Alex ambled towards the kitchen sink to quench his thirst. Maybe then he could find answers to the questions that itched in his mind. He refused to sleep further until he discovered the answers. Nor did he want another nightmare.
    As he greedily gulped a mouthful of cool water, alleviating his thirst, a crippling pain rippled up his spine. Gritting his teeth together and groaning to contain the pain, Alex felt his hand crush the glass that was once in it. It shattered with a shrill squeal and Alex’s legs gave way.
He fell to his knees, his fists balling up and his eyes squeezing shut. So much pain he had experienced for one day he never thought he’d experience it again. He was wrong.
    Again he was reliving his worst nightmare as the familiar pain racked his body. He heard a definite crunch as his shoulder blade rolled involuntarily under his skin, dislocating from its previous form and seek another position.
    As a faint scream passed through his lips, it was deeper, throatier. His breaths came out in short gasps of pain and his ghostly white fingers gripped the linoleum to ease the pain. Tears clouded his vision from the sharp pain ripping through the bridge of his nose, as though someone had broken it.
    There was no hell worse than this. Again, as his pain reached its climax and he thought it would never ease, it relented. His shoulder rolled back into place with a slight pop and his tense muscles relaxed.
    Alex was trembling from the residual pain that rocketed through his body. He remained on his knees for several minutes, his eyes remaining shut to endure another torrent of pain. But it never came. His breathing returning to normal, Alex eased, feeling the flood of relief pass through his body.
    Reluctantly, Alex staggered to his feet, the room swaying slightly, though not as badly as it had previously been. Clutching his throbbing skull with his quaking fingers, Alex tried to steady his churning mind.
    Something was wrong. He shouldn’t have experienced pain such as this – not so abruptly. As he fought to find a conclusion, he knew the answer. It was the Codoxin drug.
    Gritting his teeth to hold back a wave of violence, Alex ambled to the frail couch, his chest heaving with anger. The excruciating pain of the attacks was more than his weary mind could endure. When would he snap beneath the physical and physiological suffering brought on by these attacks?
    He did not know and only hoped that the time would not come. He knew he could never hope to restrain himself, for even now his fatigued limbs were shaking with rage.
    It was Crowell’s fault. The whole mess had been of his doing! As he thought about it, he knew he’d much rather be facing striated metal bars of a prison than enduring such agony.
    Alex growled, though the snarl was far too deep to belong to such a being. He stalked towards the couch with great vehemence, feeling the blood pounding in his eardrums.
    Alex thrust his fist forward, gathering his torn backpack and began stuffing them with clothes sprawled on the floor. He could no longer live in such a place. He had planned on leaving for some time, and tonight the urge tugged on him with enticing intensity. This would be his sure way to commence with a new life without hindrance – when Derik was not home to stop him.
    He shivered at the thought of what Derik would do if Alex left. Derik’s chief reliance on Alex’s money was all that kept the brute from throwing him out. And now that Alex had the opportunity and urge, he dared not waste it. He had always been too fearful of the unknown, but not tonight.
    And though he had no money, he knew any place was better than this. He would worry about the problem when the issue arose. For now, he continued to cram the clothes in the backpack, the lingering anger throbbing dully in his mind.
    But just as he gathered the last remnants of his meagre belongings, a door slammed open, striking the flimsy drywall and driving the handle through it.
    Alex grimaced and his body immediately froze.


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#56 2009-03-09 11:49:24

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Jeez, Punx - if only I had a fraction of your descriptive talents!

  I'm not sure what about this scene makes you feel iffy; I thought it was well executed. In fact, there was only two things that crossed my mind when reading this - and both are tiny little wisps, nowhere near big enough to be labeled as concerns.

  Although the scene is wonderfully thick and heavy with description, my mind seems to tell me that some of the descriptions may contradict each other. I'm trying to read through the scene again to find more specifics, but so far I haven't found any - it's just a slim perception in the back of my mind. Weird.
 
  From a storyline side of things, I might make one unnecessary comment: when a person is racked with sudden unbearable pain, their minds often entertain thoughts of desperation. With the amount of pain he's going through and the forced secrecy involved, you could give Alex a desperate thought of going back to Crowell - or his doctors at least, since they were more humane toward Alex. It would have to be a fleeting thought at best, I think, and may complicate the scene too much. Again, it's not necessary in any way, but may reflect the mental reactions from such pain.

  Other than those tiny wisps, I don't see any way to improve the scene, and I certainly don't see anything iffy about it.

  Well Done, Punx!


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#57 2009-03-17 17:47:29

Edo
Member
From: from the very depths of
Registered: 2008-09-25
Posts: 51

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

How come there have been no updates lately? I've been missing my dose of Werewolf in the Shadows once in a while smile

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#58 2009-03-17 18:17:20

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

I agree - I've been missing this story greatly.
I'll send her an email and hope to hear from her soon.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#59 2009-03-18 09:11:43

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Déjà vu...

Not that I'm complaining, but isn't this a repeat of Post #59?

  Doesn't really matter - I read it through anyway and still enjoyed it.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#60 2009-03-18 16:59:34

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Oh boy! I keep forgetting! I am So sorry. I only visit at infrequent intervals and not enought to post regularly. I'm going to catch up tomorrow, since I have the night off.


AHHHHHHHH, Grayle, I SO forgot! Oh boy! Ahhh, well. I have some time today.

He didn’t need to see the brute to know it was Derik. Because of his heavy, uncoordinated gait and the growls of discontentment rumbling through the apartment, Alex knew it was him. His heart lurched instantaneously and he could do nothing but watch the massive man enter the apartment, the scent of stale beer issuing from his body.
    Derik staggered, spewing a mouthful of curses as he entered the living room, his fists clenched with obvious anger.
    As though no worse could come out of the predicament, it did. Derik’s left eye was heavily shadowed with purple bruise and his cheek was ebbing dark, congealing blood down his eyebrow.
    He often spoiled for such fights and from the look of his bloodied knuckles, of which the blood did not belong to him, Alex knew the victor. Derik never forfeited or lost a fight, as no one could foresee the blinding fury the man conveyed – not until it was far too late.
    Alex shuddered as the brute’s massive frame revolved to face him.
    Though swaying with drunkenness, he held himself securely erect, and his blood lust flickered to life. A flicker of fury and anticipation flashed in his pallid eyes and his dark, heavy eyebrows pulled together as his eyes swept over the scene.
    His face registered with unbridled rage as he assessed Alex and his face contorted in an enraged scowl. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He questioned in a low, murderous tone.
    Alex remained in a terrified stupor, his left arm buried in the backpack and the other clenched tightly in a fist. His heart was beginning to sputter sporadically and it would only be a matter of time before Derik lunged.
    He could see it in his stance, the large man’s face folded with anger and veins leaping from his forehead and neck. It wouldn’t be long.
    Alex slowly rose to his feet, his arms held protectively in front of him as he attempted to withdraw from the colossal figure. But every step he took, Derik took two more.
    Alex futilely attempted to reassure his furious uncle. “I just need to go somewhere for a while – to think.” He lied, feeling the heat of the fib creep into his face.
    “Don’t lie to me, boy,” he snarled, flashing his crooked, yellowing teeth. His fists were massive balls of pulverising flesh, prepared to strike.
    However, as Alex withdrew again, keeping his wary green eyes on his uncle, he felt another sensation creep into his body. It was the fury. Like a rocketing explosion shooting through his body, he felt it lick his insides. It desired to challenge the man in front of him, as though size and strength had no relevance.
    He squeezed his eyes shut momentarily to maintain control, but when he opened them, he could still see the dark shadow impeding across his vision. And before he realized what was coming from his mouth, it was too late. “I’m leaving,” he growled, his own eyes burning with ferocity as such he had never known.  All of the emotions from the previous events crashed down on him – every fear he had ever had, any emotion that ever swept over him had manifested itself into this explosive ball of hate.
    The two words exchanged were like the floodgates to the damn. His uncle snarled his revulsion and lurched forwards, finally attaining the fight he was hoping for.
    The apartment seemed to quiver from his thunderous approach, the windows rattling and shaking audibly. Alex watched, stupefied as the massive torpedo approached.
    Though swift, but not unexpected, a boulder-sized fist sliced through the air, the sheer force creating a shrill whistle as Alex effortlessly dodged the attack. Alex leapt back with speed he had never known, but his back struck the wall. He was momentarily trapped.
    Derik’s full-force swing – capable of shattering a man’s jaw – whipped through the air and he stumbled slightly from his lack of sure-footedness.
    Though Alex was pinned against the wall, he remained prepared for the next attack he knew was coming.
    When Derik whirled around, his grimacing face was enough to send shivers down any man’s spine. His eyes were hard and indifferent and his massive body was quivering with anger. In a swift movement, he lunged at Alex once more, his ham-sized fist soaring towards Alex’s unprotected face.
Alex ducked, feeling the crosscurrent of air dishevel his hair. Above him, he heard his uncle’s massive fist pound the drywall, which showered down on Alex.
Despite the fear that was coursing through Alex’s body, the being within him experienced the thrill.
    Without realizing what he was doing, Alex grasped the brute’s threadbare shirt and hurled him against the sofa.
    The man was easily three hundred pounds, yet he staggered back, his foot catching on the edge of the sofa. As the colossal man fell, he brought the lamp down with him, shattering the table and the bulb. His shoulder struck the ground with a cacophonous roar and for the briefest moment, he remained in a stunned stupor, disoriented.
    The room was plunged into darkness, nearly black as the moon’s light failed to penetrate the window. Alex seized the opportunity, and lurched for the door, hoping for an easy escape. He cared little whether he left his clothes behind and he knew the penalties would be severe if he lingered any longer.
    With thunderous curses, his uncle leapt to his feet and pursued Alex.
    Now with the anger ebbing away, he knew he had only one option – escape. It had been foolish for him to provoke his uncle as he had. It was a death sentence.
     He was sprinting to the door, his heart pounding in his chest, but nothing sounded louder than the quaking footfalls of his uncle’s pursuit and throaty snarls.
    Alex reached the door, grasping the handle, but he slowed as tried to pry it open, allowing his uncle prime opportunity to prevent his escape.
    Derik’s sausage-like fingers curled around the back of Alex’s neck and heaved him effortlessly away from the only means of escape.
    The crushing grip on the back of his neck caused him to wince and his legs give way from the pain, yet the relentless grip refused to yield. Alex gasped, but that only added fuel to his fire, his uncle’s eyes dancing with victory.
    Hauling him away from the door, he released Alex, but only for the faintest of moments before his knuckles collided with Alex’s jaw.
    A searing white flash exploded in front of his vision and he felt his legs immediately give way, unable to endure such an impact. For a moment, he heard nothing but the slight flutter of his heartbeat and saw nothing but the spinning ground meeting him. He experienced no pain until he struck the floor.
    The agony rippled along his face and he tasted his tangy blood seep into his mouth from the deep laceration on his cheek. It felt as though someone had driven a sledgehammer against his face and he was surprised the blow didn’t knock him out, much less break his jaw.
    His uncle appeared taken aback as Alex writhed painfully on the floor. However, his thin lips curled in a menacing smile and he boomed with angered laughter.
    Another intense flash sliced across Alex’s vision as the massive fist struck his temple. He reeled back, hearing the grotesque bone-against-bone collision. Only this time Alex scarcely felt the pain. Rage bubbled to the surface, masking the searing pain he knew he should have felt. He disregarded the trickle of blood that seeped down his forehead into his eyes and forced himself to his feet. Though he staggered and swayed, he managed to heave himself to his feet, the blood rolling down his cheek.
    The enraged haze was beginning to consume him until he was almost hurled into subconscious. However, he managed to maintain some control as not to kill the man in front of him. He wished only to escape with his own life.
    Derik snarled with discontentment as his blows did little to hinder Alex, only adding to the manifesting rage that threatened to rupture. His cold, hard eyes were fixed on Alex and he, too, was panting heavily, sweat accruing on his forehead.
    Alex’s chest heaved with anger as Derik faced him once more. He could feel the same itching sensation tingle along his skin, but he ignored it, growling and flashing his own teeth in a threatening snarl.
    His uncle’s fist once again sailed towards Alex, only this time the brute’s exhaustion was becoming apparent.
    Alex’s agile body dodged the lethal blow and returned one. Strength pulsed freely through his muscles now, unrestrained as his fist snagged sharply against Derik’s exposed face.
    Derik’s head snapped back in a sickening crunch and the skin on his chin split open, spewing forth blood. He staggered backward, his expression bewildered as he hit the ground.
    Picture frames jumped loose from the walls from the weight of the falling man and smashed inharmoniously against the ground. The floor trembled and dust spewed upwards from the carpet, a fine haze shrouding the darkened apartment.
    Derik sat motionless for a few moments in an astonished daze, his expression blank. However, as he staggered to his feet, using the wall as leverage, his pallid eyes flickered to Alex. Though his eyes held a trace of defeat, his murderous glare refused to yield. His jaw, seeping blood down his chin, was set tightly in a permanent grimace.
    He spat a mouthful of blood at Alex’s feet before turning away and disappearing within the shadows of the bedroom nearby.


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#61 2009-03-18 20:01:11

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

I think the best way to describe this scene is... brutal. Wow!

  Not only were the descriptions vivid, but the interactions were very realistic. I thought having Derik come home with wounds from a fight and beer on his breath was very well depicted. Derik's reaction to the sudden counterattack was fantastic.

  I noticed that many of your paragraphs were nearly one or two sentences each. You could merge a few of those to make longer paragraphs if you wanted.

  Once again you astound your readers with a gripping scene and descriptive visualizations. You're spoiling us.
  Doesn't matter. Please continue.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#62 2009-03-26 21:51:16

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Aweeeee smile *Blushes* Well thank you, Grayle.
So it's not too much at once if I merge them?
And because I'm cruel and know I'll forget to post some more, I put a big long post together.


Alex stood in awe, his muscles tense, and the anger ebbing from his body, but replaced by a hollow, numb feeling. He heard his own quivering breaths as his wide eyes darted to the floor where his clothes were strewn. His brows furrowed as he knelt to gather the fallen clothes.
    As he did so, he mused silently. He peered into the shadows in front of him and he could see them lucidly, as though the shadows were illuminated.
    Perplexed, he brought his hand in front of him and flexed his fingers, feeling the drying blood tug at his skin. It was Derik’s blood. A shiver of fear and revulsion rippled up his spine.
    His tongue traced along his cheek where the injury had once been. ‘Gone,’ he mused in disbelief. All of the wounds had healed. His breath caught in his throat. ‘The serum worked!’ For the briefest moment, he felt slight consolation.
    He heard the cacophonous roar of his uncle’s hasty approach, but he did not have enough time to prepare himself. As Alex’s head revolved to face his charging uncle, he saw the flash of silver slice through the darkness.
    The heavy object connected bluntly with the side of his cheek. Stars danced in front of him as he crumpled to the floor. Hot blood seeped along his face, drizzling onto the carpets. Pain shot through his skull and the wound seared with white hot pain. He could hear the skin hiss as if branded by hot steel.
    With the pain beginning to subside, he experienced an odd serenity as darkness began to impede. He could hear nothing around him but the whoosh of air flitting through his trachea and the thrumming heartbeat pulsing in his ears, as though his head would explode. But at that moment, he realized he no longer cared.
    However, he was ripped from the blissful obscurity as the object slammed against his ribs.
    Alex wheezed, his breath extinguished from his lungs and gasping for air. He could feel his ribs give way and the force of the blow roll him over to face the ceiling. Fierce pain rippled through his ribs and he clutched them in a meagre attempt to ease it, but to no avail.
    His eyes half closed, Alex saw Derik looming above him, wielding a massive silver object between his greedy, crushing hands. His face was sombre with revulsion and Alex could see the glimmer of murder in his eyes.
He raised the poll in the air, prepared to swing it down on Alex.
    Fear propelled him to his feet as the baton wheeled towards him. Alex lurched forwards and clutched the falling pole between both hands to cushion the impact as he managed to scurry to his feet.
    He gasped as the metal blistered his skin, as though corrosive to his skin. As he grasped the object, he could feel his knees buckle and his arms quiver from the force pushing down on him.
    As his uncle struggled to reacquire his weapon, Alex’s foot collided with his mid-section before he leapt away to veil himself in the shadows.
    Derik issued a deep humph as he staggered backwards, but managed to maintain his footing. He regained his composure, roaring in fury and swung the bat blindly in futile attempts to strike Alex. The metal object smashed the coffee table, pierced the drywall, and broke any remaining pictures.
    Alex remained huddled in the corner of the room, his mind racing with terror. Death seemed imminent as the massive figure neared, though unable to see Alex in the darkened space. Alex gingerly massaged his scalded hands and could feel the perpetual throb in his temple from the blow, as though he’d be sucked into unconsciousness at any moment. He knew his sheer determination to survive was what kept him from collapsing.
    The blood was flowing freely from his temple and refusing to congeal. He was surprised that his body had endured such torment. And though his mind swam with the unconsciousness that threatened to consume him, he managed to remain coherent.
    Only feet from his quarry, Derik tore through the room, leaving the carnage in his wake. He swung wildly, uncertain of where his target was, but continued to ensure Alex would not get far.
    Alex could see the enraged man as though illuminated in light. He could hear the rapid thrumming of his heart and the raw fury rolling off of his body.
    To escape the barrage of deadly strikes, Alex moved along the wall like a stealthy cat, hoping nothing would alert the brute to his position. His breath was constricted in his throat and he was certain that the roar of his pulse would give him away at any moment.
    Every movement felt as though he was lifting a thousand pounds. His muscles were weak and shaky from the adrenaline.
    As he continued away from the enraged man and towards the hallway, glass from a broken frame crunched underfoot. The sound was almost deafening to Alex and he winced, hoping his uncle would not have heard.
    He had no such luck.
    Derik’s massive head swung Alex’s way, his face contorted in a feral snarl. He growled and hastily loped towards Alex like a stampeding rhino.
    Knowing he had not alternative, Alex lunged towards the brute’s midsection once more before the bat could offer a final blow.
    Derik grunted as the he and the boy plummeted to the ground in a writhing heap of struggling flesh. The weapon was thrown free from Derik’s grip, disappearing into the darkness.
    In unison, Derik and Alex grappled for the fallen object.
    Alex buried his fingers into the brute’s face to avert his attention. His nails drew blood from the thick, leathery skin and Derik recoiled, shrieking in agony.
    Derik feebly grabbed Alex’s wrists to constrain him, but failing to do so. In a viscous movement, Alex tore free from his grasp and sprang for the weapon.
    Alex’s mind was racing; his only mission was to keep the weapon from his uncle’s control. It was inflicting crippling blows – far worse than anything his uncle could deliver.
    He ignored the searing in his blistered hands and scarcely managed to reach it before a savage pain shuddered through his body. The agony rippled down his spin more fiercely than it had previously and he could feel the vertebrae bubbling beneath his skin, squirming and snaking itself into a new form.   
    His legs gave way as a splitting pain shot through his bones and he felt them rolling from their sockets. The agony was ended when Derik’s foot smashed into Alex’s ribs.
    The breath escaped his lungs and he was unable to suck it back in, for his diaphragm felt paralyzed. Numerous times, the foot crashed into his flank and each time he gasped for air, scarcely able to attain some before it was smashed out of him.
    For a brief moment, the flurry of attacks ceased as Derik sauntered towards the fallen weapon and collected it in his hands.
    Another flash of silver pierced the air and Alex was sent spinning to the ground, bloodied saliva issuing from his mouth. Lights danced in front of his eyelids from yet another forceful blow to the face. The skin above his eyebrow split open to spew forth a new wave of blood.
    As Alex remained on the floor, his fingers clutching his sides and his face pressed against the grungy carpet, Derik dropped his weapon and ambled towards Alex, his teeth bared threateningly.
    Bone-crushing fingers curled effortlessly around Alex’s throat and squeezed. Alex gurgled, but no air would enter or exit his lungs. He peered into his uncle’s maddened eyes, which were glazed over with drunkenness. His Face was distorted with heavy wrinkles and sweat shimmered from his forehead. How he was ever related to his father, Alex was uncertain.
    Alex’s eyes felt ready to leap from their sockets as he gasped for air. The grip crushed his throat and prohibited any air from reaching his lungs. The world around him was rapidly dimming as his brain starved for the precious oxygen.
    Even as he futilely attempted to pry the solid hands away from his own throat, he could hear his own heartbeat sputter and slow. An odd sensation rippled through his body. It wouldn’t be long before the pounds of his heartbeat in his ears would diminish and his eyes would grow glass, his uncle’s colossal body stooped over his own.
    The fear of such a fate began to dissipate and he felt his arms slither to his side, immobile. He had nothing to fight for anymore – no chance of surviving such a viscous attack.
    But even as Alex rendered to such an inevitable demise, another being in his mind refused to accept such an ending. It was rage. It plumed through the deepest crevices of his mind and Alex willingly relented to the aggressive force.
    Alex’s eyes slammed shut as they gave a quick spasm of pain, from which was unbeknown to him. A new wave of strength swelled throughout his body despite the oxygen deprivation and as he opened his eyes, he feared not the man above him, choking the very life from him. He could no longer feel the crushing grasp squeezing his throat. All pain seemed dismal as the dark being overcame his mind.
    As he gazed up at his uncle, he spotted the man’s eye twitch with uncertainty as he returned the gaze. His enraged features dissipated, replaced with horror.
    The flood of anger crashed down on Alex and an inhuman power rippled through his muscles.
    In a swift motion, Alex wrenched the grip from his throat and hurled Derik against the wall five feet away.
The wall shuddered as the massive body collided with it, the drywall giving way.
    Derik attempted to cushion his imminent descent, but as he hit the ground, his wrist twisted awkwardly and crunched noisily. The bone had broken; a peculiarly white bone was jutting from his skin, but was soon engulfed in a flood of crimson. Torn flesh and ligaments were visible from the wound.
    Derik shrieked in pain, clutching his wrist, all rage absent from his hideous features and twisted with horror as Alex glowered at him.
    The rage within Alex seized control of him and he was plunged in the recesses of his mind, only faintly able to maintain his consciousness. He felt the being pull Alex to his feet. The strength that pulsed through him was surreal as the wounds that once plagued his body closed seamlessly.
    Alex could feel the anger distorting his judgment as he sauntered towards the defeated brute, who continued to stare at him with horrified awe.
    Derik began to tremble as Alex approached, mere feet from him. “Please,” he choked.
    As though witnessing from the back of a movie theatre, he saw the events unfolding before him. Alex grinned wickedly at Derik and knelt beside him, flaunting his glistening teeth.
Derik grimaced.
    “It’s too late,” Alex growled vehemently in a voice not his own. It was far too deep, too savage to belong to him, and yet it did.
The being gazed down at the trembling man with mounting disrepute, and gathered the man’s shirt in his one fist while dragging him toward the window. He could faintly feel the feeble struggles his uncle created.
    As the being situated itself in front of the window overlooking the city, it glanced back down at Derik, its smooth lips curling with satisfaction from the horror in his face, feeding from the brute’s fear.
    With a swift thrust, the being hurled him through the window.
    The shattering of glass was barely audible as Derik’s relentless screams echoed throughout the city, piercing the crisp, cool air.
    Alex, disgusted, strived to regain control of the being as it strode over the window to glance at the carnage below. He watched as Derik’s flailing body plummeted before he hit the pavement.
    With superb hearing, the being could hear the bones crunch against the pavement and the slap of flesh strike the concrete. The grotesque sounds satisfied the enraged being within Alex and a spiteful grin twisted on his lips.
    He peered down at the disfigured body and watched as blood slowly snaked from beneath him and pooled around his motionless body. No heartbeats issued from the lifeless heap – the man was dead.
    As the being reluctantly pulled away from the shattered window, Alex caught a glimpse of a remaining shard fastened in the window. He peered down at the splinter of glass ahead and saw what should have been his reflection. Instead, he saw the golden eyes of a wolf staring back at him.


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#63 2009-03-27 14:41:44

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

A vicious finale to the confrontation. Wow!
  I enjoyed the frantic and desperate struggle between the opponents. I could easily picture the scene in my mind. Ending the post with Alex seeing his lupine reflection was terrific!

  And in answer to your question, it shouldn't be too much difficulty to merge the sentences into paragraphs, as long as they are no more than about 6-8 sentences each, and the sentences relate to the same topic within the paragraph. It would also allow you to skip lines between paragraphs, making it a little easier for some readers to keep track of where they are in the post. Just something to try out, but you don't have to take my word for it. You may want to reference a few published books for a better idea.

  I'm not sure about the silver bat, however. I've never known any company to make a bat out of silver, or a pole, for that matter. Even so, I think Derik would have traded its intrinsic value for some booze a long time ago. Also, it just seems a little convenient to have a silver bat lying around in the decrepit apartment when there was no reason to believe any werewolves were about. Although it does give some exciting options for Alex to deal with silver, it lengthens the scene to a point where it may be a little too long for many readers. That being said, execution of the actions in the scene were phenomenal, to say the least.

  Believe it or not, I actually found a few typos. It rarely happens with your works, so it kinda took me by surprise. Using the 'find' option of your word processor, you might want to search for 'poll', which I believe is meant to be 'pole', also 'spin', which is meant to be 'spine'. I think there was one more, but I can't find it now.

  Regardless of all that, the intense action and emotion conveyed in this installment are nearly tangible. The menace from Derik, the desperate survival of Alex, the unsympathetic execution of Deerik by the Rage within - it was all very powerful, and a pleasure to read.
  Very well done, Punx! Please, keep it coming!


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#64 2009-03-27 20:51:36

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Thanks big_smile lol I know!!! Ahhh, I was wondering what to use and it just hit me, maybe he should use a knife instead that's laced with sulver (most silverware is coated with a thin layer to improve look and prevent corrision better)
Would that be better?
Thanks again for the helpful tips smile
And I will find those blasted typos!


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#65 2009-03-28 02:36:50

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

punxnotdead wrote:

I was wondering what to use and it just hit me

The bat hit you? That's taking the story a little personal, don't you think?
Just kidding.

  A knife, even a butter knife, could be a lethal weapon in Derik's hands. I think that might be the more realistic way to go. The silver could still affect Alex's hands, just not with the same intensity.

  That brings up a good point, though. Later on, with Crowell's factory, the gate is made of silver. That would be a whole heck of a lot of silver, and a very expensive gate. However, with his available R&D budget, perhaps Crowell came up with some synthetic silver or a coating that has the same effect on werewolves as silver does. After all, with his obsession in mind, it stands to reason that he might do such a thing. Just thinking out loud...


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#66 2009-03-29 21:36:54

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Okay smile A knife it is. Yeah, I was wondering about since the fence is surrounding the main enclosure for werewolves and the biggest labratory, so if it wasn't 100% silver, would it still be a little far-fetched? Just wondering.


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"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
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#67 2009-03-31 00:37:15

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

It's a difficult puzzle to solve. Getting your hand on a precious metal like silver is one thing, but doing so in large quantities, enough to create an encompassing chain-link fence, may be very difficult but would definitely be expensive, even for Crowell.

  However, if he created a chemical that has the same affect on werewolves, he could coat plenty of objects with it, even bullets. Or if he found a way to concoct a synthetic silver, he could use that. It depends on how far you want to take it, and what option would best suit your needs.

  Even so, it's a long ways away, so I'd say put it on the back burner for now and continue the story until we get that far...


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#68 2009-03-31 11:44:44

Edo
Member
From: from the very depths of
Registered: 2008-09-25
Posts: 51

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

I think that a silver fence might actually be something that Crowell would do, if it would stop the werewolves.

Though I don't know how Alex would know that it was the silver on the knife that hurt him...

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#69 2009-04-10 08:44:43

Dira
Nightwalker werewolf illustrator
From: SA
Registered: 2007-10-22
Posts: 846

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

wow I really enjoying this very much. Can you tell me where you want to publish it? Cuase I'm a bit confused, becuase I was looking for people to get their stories published in a short story book I'm making.

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#70 2009-04-10 17:00:33

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Thank you! I forgot to post more, so I guess now is better than never. It's a loooonnnggg story. About 400 pages, Microsoft, which is longer in novel sized. And I have no idea who I'll send it to hmm


Chapter 3
    Eight years had elapsed since that night when he was sixteen – when his bestial form was becoming apparent. Though many years had passed since then, the memory of the corpse remained scarred in his retinas and each time he shut his eyes, the image of the twisted body flashed in front of his eyes life a reoccurring nightmare. He could never run from them, for the horror would always catch up to him, as though a vivid reminder of the day his life changed forever.
    Though the police had not pursued criminal charges, as self-defence was evident, Alex still felt the twinge of guilt for taking the brute’s life. Did he have a choice of who should live or die?
    Alex gripped the steering wheel of his car with growing unease as he continued to ponder. The years following his uncle’s death, Alex convinced himself he was not to blame. The culprit was the dark demon that skulked in his mind, a persistent anger that engulfed him. He knew it began as the product of his father’s death – the very reason for the lurking rage.
    It only occurred when Alex experienced immense physical or emotional provocation. Though the outbursts were few and far between, he knew he was more dangerous than any average human. He could rip a door from its hinges, snap a man’s throat with ease, or warp metal with his fist.
    Although it had been years since he last lost control in such a magnitude, he still experienced the irrepressible fury tickling at the corners of his mind – always present, but latent.
    Again, the flashback flickered in his mind. He remembered the night he killed his uncle. He was certain that his body had invoked the changes as it did because of his dire predicament. He had endured floods of emotions, which therefore triggered his metamorphosis. Despite the fact that the transformation had not been complete that night, the changes were swift. He was stronger, faster, equipped with unparallel senses.
    He remembered once more as he left that ramshackle city to move to the neighbouring one. It provided the best opportunity for him to prosper. He finished his last year of school before proceeding to University for a Business Degree. He refused to live in a similar poverty-stricken state and so he was employed at a computer parts corporation, managing finances and proposing several money-saving amends. He knew it wouldn’t be long before he was promoted.
    He had spent hours every night, crunching numbers and working into the early hours of the morning to ensure he had completed the job. And though he wanted to believe it was a result of his work ethic, he knew it was to prevent any traces of the beast from attaining his mind, or any other thoughts.
    Alex loosened the collar of his tie from around his throat. The collar – unnecessarily heating his already feverish flesh – was damp with sweat. The clothing he wore felt like a restraint from the true form striving for release.
    He could feel his skin prickle and irritate his flesh where the collar had constricted his movements, as it always did before the shift. His biceps tugged at the silk fabric as they began to swell with the first signs of the change.
    Shaking his reeling head, he peered into his mirror, catching a glimpse of his pallid self. His generally olive-hued skin was flushed with colour, his incandescent emerald eyes absorbing his reflection. His short chestnut hair clung to his face, slick from the accumulating sweat. Even the stubble around his face was more pronounced.
    As he grasped the steering wheel in one hand, he fumbled around with the other and began to unfasten the cuff-links constricting his wrists. The bones were thickening, pressing tighter against the strained fabric. The skin began to tingle as dark fur slowly slithered from his pores. It wasn’t quite visible, but he could feel the course hairs slithering from his skin, prepared to engulf his body.
    His breaths issued at harsh, uneven intervals and he could hear the unsteady rhythm of his clamouring heart.
    He struggled to remain in his human form, as he always did before the shift. Often the symptoms would become apparent several hours before the initial change, so he could reschedule his night – not that he had much to do. But he frequently attended vital business meetings, and so at times, he repressed it.
    But tonight, however, the symptoms were instantaneous and came with little forewarning, as they did seldom times.
    He continued to muse on the night after his uncle’s death – when his first shift began. As he was gathering his belongings, alone in the decrepit apartment, the tormenting transformation occurred. The pain was incredible, he remembered, almost too painful to describe, but still vivid in his mind. It was both terrifying and enthralling.
    He could summon immeasurable bouts of strength, move with unfathomable speed, and sense what mere humans could not detect. He remembered the overwhelming power that surged through his body as he had raced down the street, though flanked by confusion. It had taken years to accustom himself to his new shape and even now he had difficulty doing so. 
    Alex hastily averted his attention to the road when his car almost side-swiped a passing biker. The man swore audibly and gestured rudely with his hands as Alex regained control of his vehicle.
    Alex inhaled deeply, trying to keep his mind on the road, but also to focus on preventing the shift. He maintained his gaze ahead of him, tightly grasping the steering wheel in his sweaty hands, watching the steady trickle of traffic ease by him.
    His headlights sliced through the thick shroud of darkness, his car weaving through streets until the congested stream of traffic dissipated. He could no longer wait behind the creeping thread of traffic and he knew the wait would result disastrously.
    He compressed the gas pedal, his car purring as it accelerated through the hoards of traffic into a diverging lane of a near vacant street. Though he rarely took this route home, he knew it was faster.
    The street curved and wove intricately until he came to the dilapidated area of town. As though a fine line intersected the city, a relatively large portion of it was uninhibited or riddled with crime. He knew, as the buildings were forgotten and aged, likely monuments of the city when it first arose.
    Despite the crimes that occurred in this region of the city, he was unfazed by the thugs’ weaponry, as their bullets would be mere annoyances to his steel body. As he had discovered during the following years, he knew that only silver or fire could harm him and even after the irritants were removed, they healed within hours. 
    Alex peered vacantly out of the window, admiring the navy hue sky contrasting the chalky crescent moon above. Although the moon had no effect on his transformation, he revelled in its majestic beauty. It appeared as a dimpled orb hovering in the sky, like a fragment of a toe nail clipping.
    With his unease dissipating and the persisting silence ensuing, he smiled lightly to himself, his car speeding down the vacated streets. Old, abandoned buildings flitted by. The alleyways were dark an ominous, like a vast orifice of nothingness. But he could see them with ease.
    Homeless congregated on public benches, hurling newspapers over their bodies in a meagre attempt to keep themselves warm.
    Autumn was beginning to descend on the city, as though a cold hand of death was smothering all life below. The trees stood like frozen, gnarled pillars in the darkening sky, a reminder of the frigid months to come.
    Beer bottles and litter was strewn about the streets and the sudden pang of realization occurred to him. It seemed very much like his childhood, with the wary, hard eyes greedily following his majestic car as it puttered silently through the vacated streets.
    And the further Alex drove through town, the more decrepit the buildings became.
As he mopped his brow with the back of his hand, a muffled scream rang in his ears. Although inaudible to an average human, he could hear it with great lucidity.
    His foot instinctively pressed the breaks and he felt his car slow to a halt. With a flick of his wrist, he extinguished his car headlights, plunging the surrounding area into complete darkness. He kept his car running; however, as he was still in contemplation. Though he had never before felt compelled to stop his car and leave it to investigate, gnawing urgency forced him to stop the vehicle.


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#71 2009-04-10 18:33:43

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Nice transition, Punx!

  I liked how you explained the passage of time and the changes in Alex's life. I also appreciated how you described his lack of closure with what he did to his uncle, haunting him throughout the years. Very nicely done!

  There seemed to be a few descriptions that might be a little off - I know what you were going for, but the choice in words was a little distracting. I can send you more details in the previous format, if you'd prefer.

  I found it both original and creative to have Alex struggle between traffic and an oncoming shift - it's a very practical difficulty that a lycanthrope may sometimes be faced with.

  Granted, I remember what's coming next, but I'm still in eager anticipation to see how you describe it.

  Ready when you are. Keep it coming, Punx!


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#72 2009-04-10 19:51:12

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Thank you, Grayle. Sure, if I'm not wasting your time, you can give me a few pointers. I can always use some help from a great writer like you.


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#73 2009-04-10 23:18:37

Lunarlycan
New member
From: Rawrington
Registered: 2009-04-01
Posts: 9

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Holy shamoly! How long is this slice of heaven?


Rawrz....
       I see you...

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#74 2009-04-11 01:57:23

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

lol Awe, well thank you smile It's about 400 Microsoft pages, or about 700 novel sized smile


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#75 2009-04-12 08:53:28

Dira
Nightwalker werewolf illustrator
From: SA
Registered: 2007-10-22
Posts: 846

Re: Werewolf in the Shadows (revised)

Since it's your book you still have the right to copyright it as you want. Is this the final chapters? If you ever want to publish it you'd be happy to know Crady the publisher is here for ya. Since I'm reading it, I'd be happy to publish it in South Africa.

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