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#1 2009-03-07 20:21:23

Spooks
New member
Registered: 2009-03-07
Posts: 2
Website

Crunch of Bones

This is the first werewolf story i'v ever done. I know the grammer isn't perfect and i do apologize for that. Feel free to be harsh. I'll take all the criticism i can get. I hope you enjoy it.




     The pain was bad, worse than it had been that first time. Worse than the day she had come, when she sprung herself upon me without a hint of her approach, this too was unexpected. By now I had grown used to the crunch of bones and the snapping of the spine, this I could not understand.  I flew down the beach out of the shadow of the woods and into the stunning beauty of the moon. The moon, my one true friend. The one being I could confide in without worry for she would never betray me. Never speak of my darkest secret.

     The beach was long and it stretched on for miles under the shining moon. The sand was cold and slick beneath me, my feet slid atop it as if it were ice. I could feel my heart hammering against my chest, drumming in my ears. It was so loud, if I had let it it would have overcome me dragging me down into it's pain. Instead I ignored it. Ignored the savage red muscle that throbbed for release, that tried to break through and find bliss. But that release wouldn't come. It was stuck in my chest, clawing at my insides fighting what was holding it in. I wanted to let it out and send it sprawling into the night but, my breath was caught in my lungs and I couldn't break the hold it had on me.

     The water was near, I could hear the surf slamming against the jagged rocks and lapping up the beach towards the surrounding woods. I lashed out at the winds before me, winds that were fighting me, pushing me away from the comfort of the icy waves that would soothe my tortured body. I could feel it now, the liquid ice that washed over my toes and soaked into the soles of my feet sending a biting chill up the back of my legs to the base of my neck. Without a second thought I ripped my shirt over my head and undid my belt buckle letting my jeans fall to my ankles. I ripped my feet through the winding pant leg of my jeans and dove head first into the black water.

     In the instant my skin made contact with the water my body my whole body went into shock. I drifted for a moment completely paralyzed by the cold before my instincts took over and I pulled myself upright in the pounding surf. I waded there in the water fighting wave after fierce wave. My whole body shook and stiffened becoming completely rigid. My teeth clattered uncontrollably in my mouth and my breath came out in puffs of smoke before me.

     After the initial shock my body started to relax and I could feel the cold seeping out of me. It was coming. The sheer coldness of the water had been enough to break it's hold on me. My limbs were growing stronger as I struggled to make it to shore in time. Before I had been fighting to release it, now I was holding my breath to keep it in. I could feel the changes in my body start to occur. Felt the uncontrollable snapping of my bones and heat threading through my veins. I touched the sand and clawed myself towards the woods.

     I stayed there hunched over, my palms and toes digging into the sand that now felt warm beneath my skin. My skin began to stretch across my back and my feet and hands began to change into grotesque shapes. Hair grew from my knuckles and ears that were now pointed and elongated. I felt the crack of my spine and the crunch of my knee caps, finally the release. My blood pumped trough my veins heating me from the inside out, turning the cold night into a beautiful evening. My lips curled into a tight smile and my teeth shimmered in the moonlight before turning into sleek fangs, fangs used to rip flesh from animals and crack bones. A black blanket of silky hair hung from every inch of my body and my spine grew out my back forming a small tail. Finally my eyes had completely adjusted to the night and my keen sense of smell had already located three prime victims. With a flash i was gone in quick pursuit of the night. Flying through trees and tall grass into the dark beyond that i could see with perfect clarity. I was finally free and ready to hunt the night.

Last edited by Spooks (2009-03-15 01:33:19)


Well i guess i can start off by saying i have a deep passionate love affair with Werewolves. They've always been the most fascinating, most deadly and sexy fanatasy creature i've ever known. I would just like to get in touch with people who share the same twisted views as i do. They are the most beautiful creature i've seen and more than anything i'd love to join their midnight strolls.

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#2 2009-03-08 00:57:43

punxnotdead
Member
From: Canada...eh?
Registered: 2006-05-09
Posts: 11300

Re: Crunch of Bones

Before people get reading, I suggest you separate the paragraphs and capitalize your I's. Other than that, I think you have good description smile

P.S. I'll separate the paragraphs for you smile


I'm an aspiring bodybuilder! smile
"Be yourself to be free." - The Unseen
I <3 SMALLVILLE!!!

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#3 2009-03-08 19:22:31

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Crunch of Bones

Interesting, Spooks. I like the idea of using the cold water to counteract the heat of the shift. I also appreciated your use of descriptive language as well.

  I noticed several sentences that were fragments, causing a bit of choppy reading. Indenting the first line of each paragraph along with skipping a line between paragraphs would also ease the reading, therefore helping the reader focus on the story.

  Nevertheless, your descriptions are detailed and add a vivid quality to the passage. Good job!


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#4 2009-03-08 21:29:06

Spooks
New member
Registered: 2009-03-07
Posts: 2
Website

Re: Crunch of Bones

Thank you both very much. I will try to edit the story as you have both suggested and improve the flow.....when i have time. big_smile I really appreciate any criticism i can get. Thank you again.


Well i guess i can start off by saying i have a deep passionate love affair with Werewolves. They've always been the most fascinating, most deadly and sexy fanatasy creature i've ever known. I would just like to get in touch with people who share the same twisted views as i do. They are the most beautiful creature i've seen and more than anything i'd love to join their midnight strolls.

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