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#1 2009-04-06 21:32:29

bdk336
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Registered: 2009-03-31
Posts: 277
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A section from my story

This is a section from the story I am working on that I simply can't nail down one beginning for. The story isn't technically about werewolves but focuses around beings that are crosses between human and animal that have come into existence through several strange experiments involving both science and a hint of magic. Most of the main characters are various types of these creatures and one of them is a wolf cross.
This is actually farther in than what I am trying to write at the moment, and occurs near the end of the first part of the story. The parts are large enough that I'll likely be splitting them up into different topics like Grayle has. I wrote this up entirely today since I was so eager to get it on paper (I've been looking forward to writing this section since the moment I thought it up), which means lots of places that I didn't get as descriptive as I wanted to or messed up the descriptions. Also this contains a fair amount of background info that doesn't give away the plot, but won't be in the final version since it is stuff the reader will pick up throughout the events before this.
Also if anyone has any suggestions regarding the story, writing, etc, or if you have any questions about the world in which the story is set, basic plot idea, the nature of the human-animal hybrids, and so on feel free to ask, I just don't feel like writing up every single thing I thought of here.
Also keep in mind that I wrote part of this just now in the hour before bed when I tend to get a little sleepy. I am way too critical of myself so without further ado here it is:


After a long time the birds and the animals were joined by another, nearly inaudible sound; the lightest rustle of clothing from a swiftly approaching body. Frederick’s sensitive ears twitched in the direction of the barely audible movement. Had he not been well familiarized with it, would have been impossible to identify.

No creak of a shifted branch nor a single leaf or twig underfoot gave any warning of the being’s approach. She came from downwind, so even his nose could not detect her scent, but the sound of her clothing was enough in itself to set his tail wagging in expectation. As he sensed she was approaching the meeting place the sound cut out altogether. He listened intently but could not detect the faintest hint of any sound. Then the smell washed over him. That comforting yet rough smell that could belong to only one individual. The beat of his tail increased to a furious tempo as his head snapped around to meet her eyes.

    Vanessa stood directly behind, beautiful and fierce as ever, he had started to get used to these tricks she used to scare him. He finally realized what his tail was doing and quickly silenced it, he would be grateful once he no longer had to worry about controlling these instincts. He thought back in shame upon the first time she had done this, when he had yelped and fled like a puppy. Although she was a prominent representative from a rapidly growing state she wore plain clothes so long as she was not in a foreign court, she detested the restrictions mingling with high society placed upon her, and that made her indeed akin to himself, even before he had been changed.

    In truth, he did not want to leave her, even after he had finally shed the curse that had been placed upon him. For she and her companion, from whom they had parted ways shortly after he had been rescued from the pens, were the only people who had treated him with kindness since he was changed. In fact, she alone, then a stranger whom he had met only in passing at the royal banquet, was able to recognize him for who he was, when none of his close family could see past the animal he had become. Now that he thought about it, it was actually quite odd that she could recognize him in this form, when he had just barely been able to remember her.

“Get up on your paws and stop staring into space!”

He got up onto two legs, she could also be quite impatient and demanding, although he did feel somewhat ashamed that he had been on all fours in her presence. She began to walk onward without him.

“But don’t we need to get the cart before we set out?” He asked.

“I sold the cart, we won’t need it anymore.” She responded. “We are going directly through the mountains, so we won’t be encountering any roads or towns until we reach our destination… Meaning you won’t have to pretend at being the dumb beast these fools think you are anymore.”

Frederick’s ears perked up at the prospect of no longer having to disgrace himself by sitting pens as if he was one of those dumb beasts. He noticed that the few possessions she actually held dear were bundled in a bag which had been drawn shut attached to a sling of sorts. Then he had another thought, she answered his question before he could ask.

“And we won’t need the supplies either there is plenty of food in the mountains.”

He was about to put up a rebuttal, but decided against it. Given all the hidden talents she had already demonstrated to him, there was every likelihood that she was accomplished in woods craft as well. Then he remembered his thoughts from before.

“May I ask you a question before we set out?”

“Of course.” She might be brusque when outside the courts, but she was a good listener.

“I know you would have rescued me regardless, but I must know. How was it that you could recognize me when you saw me in that pen? Not a single member of the royal family nor my close friends could see me for who I am, so how could you?”

“Well that’s easy.” She responded with the hint of a chuckle, “It was your smell.”

“My what!? How could you recognize me by smell?”

“Just because you change into a new creature doesn’t mean that all your old smells go away, they are still there along with the new ones.”

“But I mean how could you even recognize anyone by smell from so far away? I can tell people apart with the nose I have now, but there is no way I could have before.”

“You mean you haven’t figured it out yet?”

Frederick cocked his head in a confused fashion, before he realized that he was acting on instinct and brought his head back to a normal level.

“You still haven’t taken my advice and learned to use your new abilities.” She said in a matter of fact tone. “Well I was about to show you anyway, not like I was going to make the trek through mountains with these limitations, or that I’d want to do anything like this when I don’t have to.”

Vanessa immediately began to strip off her clothes and place them into the sack.

“What are you doing!?” Frederick yelped as he quickly averted his gaze.

“Don’t act like a child. One moment since it upsets you so much… Okay now you can look.”

She now wore a kind of natural garment that covered the crotch and a small portion of the chest and looped up around the shoulders, very much like the one she had provided for him when they did not have to enter civilized areas.

“Why..?”

“Just watch.” She cut him off.

She sat down cross legged closed her eyes and breathed as if in meditation. He sat cross legged as well, intentionally avoiding the dog-like crouch that he knew he would fall into if not careful to suppress his subconscious instincts. Then something unexpected began to happen to his companion.

At first he noticed she looked odd, something about here was changing, but he could not tell what. Then he realized it, fine blond and hair was beginning to sprout all over her body, her nails were growing longer and thicker and something was also shifting in her facial structure.

Frederick simply gazed open mouthed at her as she continued to shift. Her limbs began to twist into forms similar to his own, yet different in a way he could not place. Her ears slowly moved back and closer to the top of her skull and they became pointed. Her nose blackened and grew much wider and bigger all around. Unlike his had, her face elongated very little, although the position on to which her head shifted on her neck was still very much like his. As the face began to settle, the entire body now fully coated in a lush hair, he realized the difference between her transformation and his own, it was far more… feline.

And surely enough as the other features began to settle he realized that a tail, not bushy like his own, but longer with an even coating of short hairs throughout. He recalled some scrap of memory from the exotic performances that had entertained him in the court and identified the animal to which she was akin, as he was to a wolf, as a panther.

Of course most of this was only semi-conscious, as most of his faculties were preoccupied coping with this new development.

As the transformation was completed she unfolded onto all fours, twitched her ears, drew in the scents of the forest, and let out a great, deep, long roar, reveling in the return to her true form. Then finally stood and regarded her wolf counterpart, who had lost all composure and was now crouching at the edge of the clearing, a low growl issuing from his throat.

As Frederick realized himself he quickly attempted to stand only to fall back on all fours and, after several more seconds of confused stumbling, settling semi-consciously into the selfsame crouch which he had been attempting to avoid only minutes before.

“But… How? You’re intelligent… so how can you…? be one of them!?” He half stuttered half yelped, trying to overcome his shock.

“Don’t you mean one of us?” She chuckled in a voice half an octave deeper than that which he knew. He noticed that, accompanying her chuckle, was a deeper, softer sound… a purr.

“I told you before, you aren’t any different from the rest of us. We are all intelligent, not just those who used to be human. Of course if you don’t start taking my advice and stop trying to suppress your instincts, you may very well turn into a beast.”

This gave him pause, as he realized that while he, the noble who had done everything in his power to stop the beast he had become from affecting his actions, was sitting like an obedient pet, she, who had apparently been as he was all her life, stood with as much composure and intelligence in her eyes as she had when he thought her to be human. He was ashamed that she could be so much his better, both as a human and as whatever it was they both were.

“Vanessa… I’m sorry if I’ve insulted your people.” He relented as he approached her in a submissive posture.
“Our people. How many times do I have to tell you that you are one of us whether or not you go back to your human form. And don’t call me my human name either.”

“Your human name?” He sat back in front of her and awaited her response, whether or not it was conscious he allowed his instincts to control his body to surrender to her leadership.

“Call me Kara from now on.” She paused for thought, “And I will need to give you a more noble name as well.”
Frederick was prepared to protest, he did not want to admit that he might actually be a permanent addition to the people that were apparently both his and her own.

Seeing that he was ready to rebel against her wish, she swiftly cut him short. “Remember. I am the only one who can help you come to terms with what you are. If you try to resist me I’ll just leave you here to become a true beast.”
The creature that was, for now, named Frederick was too tired from the days events to protest. For now he would just try to keep up with the pace of one who had grown up moving with and mastered a body much like the one that he was still trying to get used to.

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#2 2009-04-08 11:00:56

wolfsongx
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From: Tennessee
Registered: 2007-11-21
Posts: 14770

Re: A section from my story

Sorry it has taken me a bit to get to your story, I'm a little overloaded.  Oh well, I gave it a read and it is wonderful!  You have really caught my attention and drawn me into the world you have created.  I must know what happens next!  smile


A harmonic sound such as a vibrating string is one in where the harmonics are mathematically related by what is called the harmonic series.
I wanna win your heart and take you to another place you never thought or could dream of.  -- The Halo Friendlies

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#3 2009-04-08 11:46:32

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
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Re: A section from my story

I find this to be a very original excerpt, bdk. I like it!

  If I understand the premise correctly, genetic manipulation is common, but not looked upon with approval or status. However, nobles are involved somehow. Very interesting. I also appreciated how you are adding recognition and cultural aspects to your creatures, not making them into loners or some secret society, although they may be a minority. Very nice!

  I am interested in the time frame and location. Is this in our world, or a parallel world? Are the industrial/technological/cultural developments of the world in line with our own, or less developed? I also appreciate the complexity. Granted, we're only seeing a glimpse of a greater story here, but I enjoy that this is not merely a wolf-man and a cat-woman out on a jaunt; the excerpt you've shared with us hints at a deeper, more involved storyline.

  This being a rough draft, I won't go into the technical anomalies I found (unless you really want me to). I appreciated how you skipped a line between paragraphs and indented a few of them. I know this is an excerpt with a specific purpose, so the length isn't a bad thing. However, if you intend to post a full story, you may wish to keep the length of each post to less than 1000 words in most cases (this one was over 1700), for the sake of your reader's time limits and attention spans.

  In any case, your excerpt is definitely enough to generate interest in all who read it, and offers characters we can relate to in situations we can empathize with, all while presenting a world outside of normalcy offering envious possibilities to life. Very nice ideas, and very nice development! Great job, bdk!


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#4 2009-04-08 17:10:54

bdk336
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Registered: 2009-03-31
Posts: 277
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Re: A section from my story

Grayle wrote:

I find this to be a very original excerpt, bdk. I like it!

  If I understand the premise correctly, genetic manipulation is common, but not looked upon with approval or status. However, nobles are involved somehow. Very interesting. I also appreciated how you are adding recognition and cultural aspects to your creatures, not making them into loners or some secret society, although they may be a minority. Very nice!

  I am interested in the time frame and location. Is this in our world, or a parallel world? Are the industrial/technological/cultural developments of the world in line with our own, or less developed? I also appreciate the complexity. Granted, we're only seeing a glimpse of a greater story here, but I enjoy that this is not merely a wolf-man and a cat-woman out on a jaunt; the excerpt you've shared with us hints at a deeper, more involved storyline.

  This being a rough draft, I won't go into the technical anomalies I found (unless you really want me to). I appreciated how you skipped a line between paragraphs and indented a few of them. I know this is an excerpt with a specific purpose, so the length isn't a bad thing. However, if you intend to post a full story, you may wish to keep the length of each post to less than 1000 words in most cases (this one was over 1700), for the sake of your reader's time limits and attention spans.

  In any case, your excerpt is definitely enough to generate interest in all who read it, and offers characters we can relate to in situations we can empathize with, all while presenting a world outside of normalcy offering envious possibilities to life. Very nice ideas, and very nice development! Great job, bdk!

Wow, thanks. I knew that this section was pretty good, but I didn't expect such a positive reply. As for your comments Grayle:

The transformation isn't the result of genetic manipulation, closer to magic really (of course there is a genetic aspect but genetics hasn't really evolved as of yet), though it isn't present in this world to the extent that you would find it in D&D or something. Also a large percentage of the population does not know about how these hybrids, for lack of a better word, can come to be (there is more than one way) and most do not understand their true nature. Otherwise pretty accurate, looked down upon by most of society (I am trying to make the details of their status in general clear in the first few pages of the full story), a minority.

In any story where I don't specifically intend to set it in our world in a specific era I intentionally avoid tying it to any one era in our history. For this story I try to set the level of technology, industry and culture at about the renaissance period but the governments are mostly small kingdoms and city states.

As for the length I was just really eager to post it since it's really the only sequence I've made for the story so far where I know that the actual sequence of events will change very little. And as far as technical anomalies, please tell me about even the tiniest details, I love hearing about all the little technical stuff, good or bad. The only thing I don't really want to hear about is punctuation or spelling unless there is a recurring mistake, otherwise fire away, It's good to know the little technical things as well as the major story stuff.

I have plenty more to say, I just don't have the time to write it at the moment, so thanks. Also Grayle I appreciate that you really seem to put alot of effort into all of your feedback, I try to do this as well but generally I'm not as good at saying what I'm trying to say.

Edit: Just for an update, I'm still diligently procrastinating a decision on the contents of the first section. Meanwhile I'm trying to write up a piece that happens shortly after the beginning but it is slow going due to schoolwork, among other things. Also anyone else have any feedback? And if there is any technical stuff you'd like to point out (Grayle) I would love to hear it since I probably won't end up making any changes to this without feedback except for taking out the background stuff as I write it in earlier.

Last edited by bdk336 (2009-04-15 14:57:43)

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#5 2009-04-15 22:21:33

bdk336
Member
Registered: 2009-03-31
Posts: 277
Website

Re: A section from my story

I know I'm not supposed to double post, but can I please get a little more feedback on this? I can't really make this piece better at the moment without some useful feedback/analysis of my writing.

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#6 2009-04-16 00:35:41

Lunarlycan
New member
From: Rawrington
Registered: 2009-04-01
Posts: 9

Re: A section from my story

Wowza! This is really Good! You must really shine when it comes to writing!
Once again, Bravo! smile


Rawrz....
       I see you...

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#7 2009-04-16 06:54:14

bdk336
Member
Registered: 2009-03-31
Posts: 277
Website

Re: A section from my story

Wow thanks, lots of positive feedback. But seriously could someone please give me some more constructive feedback, I feel like this section is missing something or has something that shouldn't be there.

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#8 2009-05-03 20:21:18

Vindicator
Seer of the West [Moderator]
From: The Desert West of the Rockies
Registered: 2009-04-30
Posts: 17922
Website

Re: A section from my story

I can not believe your writing. It flows so nicely and grabs the reader right in. I wish I could write like you, you said you did this in one night. Amazing.  Technical Stuff, lets see.  The last line of the first paragraph is a little hard to read. Maybe just add "It" in front of "Would."  In the third paragraph again on the last line the phrase "that made her indeed akin to himself" doesn't seem to work, maybe a rewording.  Somewhere in the text is a "here" that needs to be changed to "her" but I can't seem to locate it again. I hope this helps. I definitely want to read more.


"What makes a monster and what makes a man?" ~Bells of Notre Dame.

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#9 2009-05-19 15:13:12

bdk336
Member
Registered: 2009-03-31
Posts: 277
Website

Re: A section from my story

Thank you Vindicator for both the praise and the things you pointed out, I like to get constructive feedback on the little technical issues as well as the more important plot stuff (can't really rely on word's grammar detection since it can often flag sentences that have complex or unusual wordings).

Also sorry I have yet to post any more of my story, I've been totally weighed down by school work. I may be able to get some up soon but I really haven't made much progress since I posted this, next week though I should have some time.

by the way it should be assumed with every piece I post up here that I would like feedback.

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#10 2009-05-19 15:15:41

Vindicator
Seer of the West [Moderator]
From: The Desert West of the Rockies
Registered: 2009-04-30
Posts: 17922
Website

Re: A section from my story

Very Exciting I can't wait. wink

Last edited by Vindicator (2009-05-19 15:16:06)


"What makes a monster and what makes a man?" ~Bells of Notre Dame.

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#11 2009-06-12 12:07:18

bdk336
Member
Registered: 2009-03-31
Posts: 277
Website

Re: A section from my story

ugh working VERY slowly on this even now that school is done. I should get quite a bit done over the summer but I'm going away for over 2 months soon and, while I will be able to work on this, I won't have any internet access so I won't be able to post anything.

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