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#1 2010-02-15 10:06:23

WerewolfImmortal
Member
Registered: 2010-01-23
Posts: 102

Sparkle Wolf

This was inspired by some comments about werewolves sparkling. (They don't yet, it's just vampires. Anywayz. Let me know what you think.)

The sun was bright. The grass was extra green. The deer was looking for something to eat. It found some delicious berries. There weren't enough though. The deer was still hungry and now thirsty. The deer licked its lips and began to look for the lake that sparkled in the sunlight. As it began to walk down a path towards the lake, it saw something. A sparkle. The deer looked over again. Another sparkle. Actually a series. Huh? the deer thought. Could it be, a new stream formed? Cautiously, the deer walked closer, his lips began to water. The deer didn't understand. Was this an upward flowing waterfall? Couldn't be because the water didn't flow anywhere. It was just in a... well if deer could think like humans it would have said blob. The deer cautiously walked closer. Somehthing seemed wrong b/c the deer's warning systems were sounding off. But the water is so tasty looking, the deer thought. Refreshing. The deer walked closer still. Maybe five feet from the sparkling "water." If the deer thought like humans, it would have thought "the sparkling water is not moving upwards, downwards, or even outwards like a waterfall." Before the deer could think that the water was just a pool of refreshment in a clear tree log, the water attacked the deer and bit down. And the deer was no more...

Last edited by WerewolfImmortal (2010-03-21 12:48:38)

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#2 2010-03-01 21:04:56

WerewolfImmortal
Member
Registered: 2010-01-23
Posts: 102

Re: Sparkle Wolf

I see a lot of people read it. Please let me know what you think.

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#3 2010-03-03 12:15:35

bdk336
Member
Registered: 2009-03-31
Posts: 277
Website

Re: Sparkle Wolf

Honestly I don't get much feeling from this piece so I can't really say much about it. You really need to describe the scene in emphatic terms: focus on the senses and emotions, what was felt? Also please do not use chat abbreviations in writing.

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#4 2010-03-08 22:55:55

WerewolfImmortal
Member
Registered: 2010-01-23
Posts: 102

Re: Sparkle Wolf

bdk336 wrote:

Honestly I don't get much feeling from this piece so I can't really say much about it. You really need to describe the scene in emphatic terms: focus on the senses and emotions, what was felt? Also please do not use chat abbreviations in writing.

you weren't supposed to. UMMM duhhhh it's not a romance  it's not a Twilight, but a twist.

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#5 2010-03-08 22:57:18

WerewolfImmortal
Member
Registered: 2010-01-23
Posts: 102

Re: Sparkle Wolf

wow sooooo many peopel checking out my story. I'm touched. Okay totally it wouldn't be a movie, I'd want it to be like an independent cartoon.

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#6 2010-03-13 08:03:39

bdk336
Member
Registered: 2009-03-31
Posts: 277
Website

Re: Sparkle Wolf

Okay I can understand writing sections of a story that aren't supposed to make immediate sense but the part about focusing on senses and emotions applies to ALL writing, not just romances.

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#7 2010-03-17 23:55:45

CivilSavage
New member
Registered: 2010-03-17
Posts: 7

Re: Sparkle Wolf

Of approximately twenty-seven sentences you have, more than a third of them start with the word ā€œtheā€ (roughly eight of these beginning with ā€œthe deerā€).  The concept is not bad, but the wording needs a little seasoning.  Mix it up a bit.  And I agree wholeheartedly with bdk336: it wants ā€œsenses and emotionsā€.

Just an afterthought:  My generation has a word for boys that sparkleā€¦  Vampires included.  wink

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#8 2010-03-20 18:22:46

WerewolfImmortal
Member
Registered: 2010-01-23
Posts: 102

Re: Sparkle Wolf

CivilSavage wrote:

Of approximately twenty-seven sentences you have, more than a third of them start with the word ā€œtheā€ (roughly eight of these beginning with ā€œthe deerā€).  The concept is not bad, but the wording needs a little seasoning.  Mix it up a bit.  And I agree wholeheartedly with bdk336: it wants ā€œsenses and emotionsā€.

Just an afterthought:  My generation has a word for boys that sparkleā€¦  Vampires included.  wink

thanks. It's supposed to be like from a short story in the English Lit. book or something. You know short like a paragraph fairy tale or something. I'll see what I can do, thanks all for the feedback, but I'm not sure about the emotions thing. we'll see...

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#9 2010-03-20 19:58:36

ShadyHowl
Token British Wolf
From: England, United Kingdom
Registered: 2008-12-15
Posts: 738

Re: Sparkle Wolf

The sun was bright.

Gee, thanks for that. No elaboration? What about where it is in the sky, what colour it is? Any other information about the immediate environment? Your scene setting needs a lot of work.

The grass was extra green.

How can grass be extra green? There is no such colour as extra green. What about it's length, it's condition otherwise? Are there any trees or is it just a field? Where the hell is all this taking place?

The deer was looking for something to eat. It found some delicious berries. There weren't enough though. The deer was still hungry and now thirsty.

You could have put all this into one sentence, or, better yet, described the scene in better detail. Where did the deer come from? What does it even look like? Is it male or female? Is the deer the only animal present or are there others? How did the deer eat the berries, quickly, slowly?

The deer licked it's lips and began to look for the lake that sparkled in the sunlight.

So it began looking for the lake. Did it actually see the lake? If it did, what was the lake like apart from the sparkle? Where was it in relation to the deer? How big/small was it?

As it began to walk down a path towards the lake, it saw something. A sparkle. The deer looked over again. Another sparkle. Actually a series. Huh? the deer thought. Could it be, a new stream formed?

What's a 'sparkle'? It is a bright light flashing, can it be compared to anything; the sparkle of a raindrop, the twinkle of a bright star? Did the deer have any physical reaction to the sparkle? Where did the path come from?

Cautiously, the deer walked closer, his lips began to water.

His what began to what? Do you mean he started to drool? If so, why? In anticipation of the water?

The deer didn't understand. Was this an upward flowing waterfall? Couldn't be b/c the water didn't flow anywhere. It was just in a... well if deer could think like humans it would have said blob.

I'm pretty certain there's no such thing as an upward flowing waterfall owing to the laws of gravity. None of this is very well explained. What is the blob? Is it the sparkle? The part about the deer not thinking like a human is hardly necessary too. You'd be better off talking about what the sparkle looked like and what made the deer approach the sparkle rather than flee from it.

The deer cautiously walked closer. Somehthing seemed wrong b/c the deer's warning systems were sounding off. But the water is so tasty looking. Refreshing.

Stop all this b/c. If you want to write, do so in full English. You also changed tense in the final sentence, you can't go from saying 'was' to 'is'.

The deer walked closer still. Maybe 5 feet from the sparkling "water." If the deer thought like humans, it would have thought "the sparkling water is not moving upwards and outwards like a waterfall."

Again too much focus on what a human would have thought. And your explanation is convoluted and illogical even in supposed human terms. You could have simply said the sparkle appeared to be moving independently of the flow of the water.

Before the deer could think the water was just a pool of refreshment in a clear tree log, the water attacked the deer and bit down. And the deer was no more...

Wut?! What's this clear tree log thing? Why hasn't it been mentioned before? I get that you want the sparkle to become a wolf but you could have described it a little better than 'the water', e.g. it sprouted fur, fangs and claws or somesuch. And you could have described the shock and death of the deer a little more. All in all, this could use a lot of work.

Also, aside from the writing, I think the concept is a bit naff. You practically outlined in that paragraph exactly WHY sparkling werewolves would suck - they'd be rubbish at hunting because their prey would see them sparkling all the time. Unless they also inhabit a world where all deer are as dumb as this one, it's a pretty flawed concept from the off.

Last edited by ShadyHowl (2010-03-20 20:17:11)


Disclaimer: I am actually female.

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#10 2010-03-20 21:56:12

Rogue
Lunatic
From: The Woods
Registered: 2010-02-16
Posts: 176

Re: Sparkle Wolf

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait . . . . This was serious?
I thought she was just doing it as a joke.
(No offense Immortal).

That was quite the analysis either way. XD Did you go by it sentence by sentence?



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#11 2010-03-21 12:40:15

WerewolfImmortal
Member
Registered: 2010-01-23
Posts: 102

Re: Sparkle Wolf

ShadyHowl wrote:

The sun was bright.

Gee, thanks for that. No elaboration? What about where it is in the sky, what colour it is? Any other information about the immediate environment? Your scene setting needs a lot of work.

The grass was extra green.

How can grass be extra green? There is no such colour as extra green. What about it's length, it's condition otherwise? Are there any trees or is it just a field? Where the hell is all this taking place?

The deer was looking for something to eat. It found some delicious berries. There weren't enough though. The deer was still hungry and now thirsty.

You could have put all this into one sentence, or, better yet, described the scene in better detail. Where did the deer come from? What does it even look like? Is it male or female? Is the deer the only animal present or are there others? How did the deer eat the berries, quickly, slowly?

The deer licked it's lips and began to look for the lake that sparkled in the sunlight.

So it began looking for the lake. Did it actually see the lake? If it did, what was the lake like apart from the sparkle? Where was it in relation to the deer? How big/small was it?

As it began to walk down a path towards the lake, it saw something. A sparkle. The deer looked over again. Another sparkle. Actually a series. Huh? the deer thought. Could it be, a new stream formed?

What's a 'sparkle'? It is a bright light flashing, can it be compared to anything; the sparkle of a raindrop, the twinkle of a bright star? Did the deer have any physical reaction to the sparkle? Where did the path come from?

Cautiously, the deer walked closer, his lips began to water.

His what began to what? Do you mean he started to drool? If so, why? In anticipation of the water?

The deer didn't understand. Was this an upward flowing waterfall? Couldn't be b/c the water didn't flow anywhere. It was just in a... well if deer could think like humans it would have said blob.

I'm pretty certain there's no such thing as an upward flowing waterfall owing to the laws of gravity. None of this is very well explained. What is the blob? Is it the sparkle? The part about the deer not thinking like a human is hardly necessary too. You'd be better off talking about what the sparkle looked like and what made the deer approach the sparkle rather than flee from it.

The deer cautiously walked closer. Somehthing seemed wrong b/c the deer's warning systems were sounding off. But the water is so tasty looking. Refreshing.

Stop all this b/c. If you want to write, do so in full English. You also changed tense in the final sentence, you can't go from saying 'was' to 'is'.

The deer walked closer still. Maybe 5 feet from the sparkling "water." If the deer thought like humans, it would have thought "the sparkling water is not moving upwards and outwards like a waterfall."

Again too much focus on what a human would have thought. And your explanation is convoluted and illogical even in supposed human terms. You could have simply said the sparkle appeared to be moving independently of the flow of the water.

Before the deer could think the water was just a pool of refreshment in a clear tree log, the water attacked the deer and bit down. And the deer was no more...

Wut?! What's this clear tree log thing? Why hasn't it been mentioned before? I get that you want the sparkle to become a wolf but you could have described it a little better than 'the water', e.g. it sprouted fur, fangs and claws or somesuch. And you could have described the shock and death of the deer a little more. All in all, this could use a lot of work.

Also, aside from the writing, I think the concept is a bit naff. You practically outlined in that paragraph exactly WHY sparkling werewolves would suck - they'd be rubbish at hunting because their prey would see them sparkling all the time. Unless they also inhabit a world where all deer are as dumb as this one, it's a pretty flawed concept from the off.

You shouldn't be a critic in all honesty. Some of the stuff in the story is common sense. Some of the things don't need to be elaborated on. Dag, people like you honestly are the reason why great action movies, horror movies, etc are getting ruined b/c you have to have more depth than necessary. Knowing where the sun is, isn't important to the storyline. If you really feel like you need to know that then, well I guess that's great in some ways. You know what I bet people like you are the reason why Lord of the Rings got an extended extended edition b/c you felt it didn't elaborate enough on stuff. smile It's funny but it's sad how that's the new "it" thing now.

Anyway for those that haven't figured out the story (hmmmm hint hint on the title), the puddle of delicious water is a WOLF or werewolf in wolf form. It sparkles. A deer doesn't have the mind like a human so I'd have thought you would have kept that in mind. This is not that kind of story where the deer will talk. It is a SHORT STORY. Anyway, the deer sees a delicious gulp of "water" and it's really the wolf waiting for prey to come near so it can chow down. This is what happens in reality with some predators like that man eating plant. Hope that helps some. Thanks for reading everyone, seriously it's not supposed to be Oscar winning deep. haha.

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#12 2010-03-21 13:35:16

ShadyHowl
Token British Wolf
From: England, United Kingdom
Registered: 2008-12-15
Posts: 738

Re: Sparkle Wolf

You whined that people weren't reading it and letting you know what they think. I did so in great detail. I get that it's not supposed to win awards but I would have thought that if somebody suggested improvements to you you'd at least take them on board and perhaps consider using them constructively rather than being butthurt about somebody not thinking your writing is OMG AMAZING. And maybe some of the stuff in the story IS common sense... to you, because it's in your head! But it's not so clear to anybody else, which is why you have to 'paint a picture with words' so to speak.

If you ask people for their opinions you have to be prepared for all sorts, good and bad. Arguing when somebody tries to help you and give constructive criticism (which you have basically done to anyone who suggested any changes) is ultimately pointless and won't help you improve as a writer.

Last edited by ShadyHowl (2010-03-21 13:36:16)


Disclaimer: I am actually female.

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#13 2010-03-27 20:16:05

WerewolfImmortal
Member
Registered: 2010-01-23
Posts: 102

Re: Sparkle Wolf

thank you all the relevant people, to the kid that uses multiple screen names stop posting b/c it's SILLLYYYYY. You're getting "Silly With It" (shout out song to multiple screen named kid)

Last edited by WerewolfImmortal (2010-03-27 20:16:28)

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#14 2010-03-30 11:40:57

ShadyHowl
Token British Wolf
From: England, United Kingdom
Registered: 2008-12-15
Posts: 738

Re: Sparkle Wolf

Yeah, sorry guys, I guess it's time to come clean. I wanted a twitard alter ego so it would seem like I was trolling myself, but I guess I've taken it about as far as I can go in terms of being funny and flaming people. Truthfully, the account 'WerewolfImmortal' is my sockpuppet account, which is how you explain the trollish posts I've posted under that account. Contrary to popular belief, despite studying a law degree, I actually have tons of free time and just create about 10 sockpuppet accounts on every single forum I frequent just to screw with people. But yeah, WerewolfImmortal isn't real, I made her up just to mess with you all. Sorry for lying, but it didn't take a genius I guess.


Disclaimer: I am actually female.

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#15 2010-03-30 12:40:58

SouthPaw
Member
Registered: 2009-07-29
Posts: 141

Re: Sparkle Wolf

I had a hunch about that after noticing you were both using vowels and consonants in your posts.  Oh yeah, and the fact that you were typing with keyboards.

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#16 2010-04-08 16:03:22

Rogue
Lunatic
From: The Woods
Registered: 2010-02-16
Posts: 176

Re: Sparkle Wolf

Christ, Shady, I'm not sure whether to believe you or not.


WARNING: IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE . . . STAY AWAY FROM ME!
"I'm not in a bad mood. I'm practically sociable."
"All I know is that it hurts like hell, and as soon as I can get off this floor I'm gonna find that bastard and kill him!"
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#17 2010-05-12 22:14:57

WerewolfImmortal
Member
Registered: 2010-01-23
Posts: 102

Re: Sparkle Wolf

Thanks all who have read my fantastic story!!! Feel free to comment on my luscious first attempt at writing.

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#18 2010-07-28 18:51:28

WerewolfImmortal
Member
Registered: 2010-01-23
Posts: 102

Re: Sparkle Wolf

CivilSavage wrote:

Of approximately twenty-seven sentences you have, more than a third of them start with the word ā€œtheā€ (roughly eight of these beginning with ā€œthe deerā€).  The concept is not bad, but the wording needs a little seasoning.  Mix it up a bit.  And I agree wholeheartedly with bdk336: it wants ā€œsenses and emotionsā€.

Just an afterthought:  My generation has a word for boys that sparkleā€¦  Vampires included.  wink

Okay totally taking into heart what you both said. The deer is supposed to be a deer though, not the animorphi.... thing where a deer speaks, thinks, etc like a human. I get the "The Deer..." sentence starters but that's how it came out. Maybe I can add some lines describing the sounds of the forest or something. The werewolf is supposed to be a bigger wolf or perhaps the large kinds of wolves (timberwolfs are the biggest I think?) but it's made of a substance similar to a light light blue glass or crystal so the deer thinks it's water b/c in the sunlight water shines and sparkles.

It's interesting how the story looks now that I've taken time away from it, I can like somewhat see it like a reader.

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