The Werewolf Café The Werewolf Café

You are not logged in.

#1 2010-12-23 21:26:04

clairsior818
Member
From: Florida, West Palm Beach
Registered: 2009-05-27
Posts: 99

Untitled story scribblings...

Prologue (EDITED)

It was a quiet afternoon, the birds chirping gently in the warm sunlight, a gentle breeze rustling the branches of a nearby tree.

The village children gathered in the town square in preparation for the festival of bards. The circus(name needs research) folk were busy preparing for their usual shenanigans, and the townsmen and women all hurried about their business secretly as gleeful as the children were. This festival came but once every year, and it was the most beloved of all. So beloved, that even the king was known to have attended on occasion. 

Now,  the children were were in need of distraction while the villagers set everything in place, so each year they had devised a new way to keep there little ones occupied. This year, however, they had been unable to think of anything in time because as any well bred village member can tell you, there is always more important menial activities to be doing than THINKING.

The babes had as was the tradition, gathered in the town square expectantly awaiting their new event.
Porbus, the town locksmith happened to be the unlucky fellow who the unfortunate task of telling the kiddies that they had no funfilled activity to employ themselves at, was nervously shuffling his feet towards the crowd of children. Quietly he crossed himself, offering up a prayer in hopes of saving himself from this disastrous plight. Porbus, as any could tell upon seeing him, was always rather... unfortunate. His nose had, after a very unlucky incident in the tavern, been broken in such a way that its very tip had swollen out into a bulbouse red button of a thing, and had never quite gone back to its original shape. His clothes, thanks to yet another unfortunate event involving a horse, a pond, and a particularly peeved stableboy, had been subjected to an unfortunate amount of abuse and shrank just barely enough to make visible the unfortunately sagging belly of  our dear Mr. Porbus the locksmith. His pants which at first glance seemed fine, were unluckily for him, two sizes too small, and showed off the spiderweb network of vericose veins that etched themselves along his bare ankles.

The children sat impatiently as Porbus came to stop before them. A few snickered as his uncertain voice attempted what he was sure would be its final usage, and squeaked out the words, “Good afternoon...â€
on a stool in a shop not far from crowd of children sat an old man, with a beard so long it grazed the floor as he walked. He knew all about this little villages predicament, and was indeed rather sympathetic after having experienced the wrath of children more times he cared to count. A pipe stuck out out from his face, and though it was secured there with his mouth, his beard was so bushy that its end seemingly disappeared into it, so well hidden that even the beards owner was never quite sure it had indeed reached his mouth.

Last edited by clairsior818 (2011-12-16 18:23:11)


"Life is weird, I am just trying to fit in." - Joshua Harper

Offline

 

#2 2010-12-23 22:22:07

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 441

Re: Untitled story scribblings...

I'm hooked!  This has the really good beginning of an epic fantasy story.  I can't wait to read more!

Offline

 

#3 2010-12-24 23:55:57

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 441

Re: Untitled story scribblings...

I love the culture and names you have created here.  The sharing of Sake the Songai exchange upon swearing oaths is a fine example.  Your story has the feel of a rich and well developed world that makes me eager to learn more about it as your main characters travel through it.  The history and background has a unique quality that I find captivating.

I Also like the way you phrased Kayle's words defining his motivation as how he'd rather be the man who died trying than the man who didn't try at all.  That type of character concept helps to create a hero readers can admire and feel inspired by.  The dialogue you have shown so far shows great promise and helps to truly bring out the personalities of your characters as well.  I enjoy reading between the quotes and the individuality contained within them.

Quite naturally as with all beginning story drafts there are a few grammar errors, a word or two misspelled, and a few things I would reword to make sentence structure flow more smoothly, but there's not enough of them to derail me as I read, so don't fret over them right now.  I'd prefer if you weren't concerned with these things at this time and to keep pressing forward with what you have already.  As one of the great writers of this forum has been well known for saying, "Story is king", and that's what all writers should shoot for first before they worry about anything else (my personal opinion).

This is turning out to be a great tale so far!  Keep moving forward, and let us see this wondrous world you have invented.

Fantastic job so far, and a Merry Christmas to you too smile

Last edited by SilentStrider (2010-12-25 00:00:48)

Offline

 

#4 2010-12-28 03:13:18

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 441

Re: Untitled story scribblings...

I can't wait to read it smile

Offline

 

#5 2011-01-19 00:31:50

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 441

Re: Untitled story scribblings...

Excellent addition!  I have an appreciation for writers who don't try to sugar coat some of lifes cruel realities and at the same time don't go into unnecessary detail unless of course it is to serve a point.  I remember how timid I felt about writing such things back when I first began taking writing seriously.  I stopped feeling that way especially after I read The sword of Truth series.  Those books had some particularly dark villains and yet the way Terry Goodkind wrote about them didn't disturb me the way I thought it might.  It added to the overall quality of the story and broadened my own imagination on how to creatively portray and develop villainous characters.  Maybe that was my own personal hurdle I had to overcome and other writers aren't as afflicted as I was, but in any case I just want to say I applaud your courage for your discreet description of how horrible it can truly be for an individual in such a situation as Eloway.  Keep on writing this story.  It's full of potential and I'm loving it!

Last edited by SilentStrider (2011-01-20 16:15:50)

Offline

 

#6 2011-01-26 12:01:57

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 441

Re: Untitled story scribblings...

Nice transformation scene!  I liked how you described his skin moving as though snakes were under it.  It's a visual not commonly used and gives it an original feel in my opinion.  I was also looking forward to where a werewolf was going to pop up in the story.  While not necessary to have one, this is after all the werewolf cafe so we all kind of expect to see our favorite supernatural critter.  I don't know the outline to your plot, but I think it would be cool to see Kyle get into a fight with the captain, get defeated but not without becoming bitten first, have to spend a certain amount of time recovering from his defeat while learning how to cope with his new condition, and then finally having a rematch with the captain in an epic battle.

That's just my imagination going wild.  Don't mind me.  I can't wait to see the direction you lead us in with your story.  Keep it coming and I'll keep on reading.

Offline

 

#7 2011-02-03 13:43:54

LandonOokami
Member
From: South Carolina
Registered: 2011-01-27
Posts: 143

Re: Untitled story scribblings...

Can't wait on the next part. Keep up the good work.


Werewolves run monthly
Swiftly moving through the trees
The prey meets their fate

Offline

 

#8 2011-02-24 12:53:53

mrRW
Member
Registered: 2009-12-01
Posts: 127

Re: Untitled story scribblings...

Trying to figure this out.  Has Cpt Haller been trying to turn himself into a werwolf and finally succeeded?

Offline

 

#9 2011-02-26 12:40:41

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 441

Re: Untitled story scribblings...

Heya Clair!  Sorry I've been gone for so long.  Dealing with being out of work, trying to keep the house, and trying to keep my family together.  Yea... lots o' stuff on my plate right now.  I so want to just be able to run away from all the overwhelming problems and forget about the rest of the world and lose myself in writing, but I can't do that when I've got two very important people in my life that love me (not sure if I deserve it sometimes) and depend on me to take care of them.  I'll get around to reading your newest additions most likely by tomorrow.

Offline

 

#10 2011-03-03 00:49:39

LandonOokami
Member
From: South Carolina
Registered: 2011-01-27
Posts: 143

Re: Untitled story scribblings...

I think it was fine in the original version. If you want it in play format then that is your preogertive but not many people are fond of reading manuscripts.


Werewolves run monthly
Swiftly moving through the trees
The prey meets their fate

Offline

 

Board footer

Powered by PunBB 1.2.14
© Copyright 2002–2005 Rickard Andersson

In Association with Amazon.com   In Association with Zazzle.com
page counter View Statistics