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#1 2011-01-27 13:11:48

hayden09
Member
Registered: 2011-01-27
Posts: 58

First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

Moon Heat
                It was bitter cold, dark and it reeked of vamps. I could feel the freezing wetness on my uncovered backside.
I was tied naked to what felt like a concrete slab, I could hear whispers all around me but could not make out what they were saying. I knew they were vampires because I could smell the stench of blood coming from them, and oh how I hate them! See I am a were-wolf but not just any were-wolf I was the last of my pack. My pack was the Kumori pack one of the strongest packs there ever was until the day the vamps broke into our village and savagely murdered my entire pack and had left me lifeless!
    Trying not to let them notice I was awake I began scanning my surroundings. There were tall wet trees, and I could smell the moist mud all around me. I then noticed the mud looked like it was more on me than the ground itself, I must have put up a fight. I could smell about three or four vampires in the distance, could I even fight my way out of here if I did get myself free?
    "She's awake master" I heard the foul vamp say. shite they noticed me struggling to get out of the rope. I raised my head up to see what they were doing and I noticed one of them walking my way. "Well hello there my darling" The tall vampire had said to me "I'm not your gently caressing darling" I said as I spat in his face. He only chuckled as he wiped away my saliva from his face. "What do you want with me" I hissed "You are Ravenna, the last of the Kumori pack are you not?" He asked with this shite eating grin on his face. The question threw shivers up my spine, I was sure at this point I was going to die at the hand of these vamps or should I say fangs. "What does it matter to you bloodsucker" I said acting as I wasn’t scared and usually I would not be, but I can’t defend myself when I am tied down on a concrete slab. "My dear my name is Uriel, I am one of the oldest and Wisest Vampires" “And you my dear are going to carry my child" He said with a dangerous smile I yelled "I’m going to what?" "That could kill me I am a were-wolf" as I said were-wolf nice and slow for him "And you’re a vampire, what in your right mind would make you want to have a child with a were-chick?" I hollered at him. Then out of shadows another vampire male leapt out from the dark snapping the necks of each vampire that came within two feet of him. Then Uriel rushed toward the infuriated, yet very good looking vamp and lunged toward him. The mysterious vamp dodged Uriel before he could strike him. The vamp and Uriel were then taking turns taking blows at one another. The vamp then faked a blow to Uriels head, and then took a good hard hit to Uriels gut, knocking Uriel clear past me crashing hard on the side of a tree truck. Uriel jumped up spun around eyes burning the brightest red id ever seen stared the other vamp dead in the eyes "You'll pay for this Talon" Uriel said while gnashing his blood stained fangs then wrapped the darkness around him and he was gone!
    For a slight moment I was relieved to know that Uriel was gone, for now at least. But I then remembered what had made him flee, another vamp. "Here let me untie you" he said while walking over to me. "Don’t you dare touch me you filthy bloodsucker" I screamed as I was trying to wiggle my way out of the ropes. They were so tight around my wrists and ankles that I started bleeding from struggling so hard. "shite" I mumbled under my breath. This vamp is going to get a whiff of my blood. "Are you going to relax so I can help you" the very sweaty buff vamp had said. Stop Ravenna, How can you even look at a vampire and not be revolted I thought to myself. "Well I'll take that as a compliment" He said to with a sexy grin. "Wait, What, I didn’t say anything" I said very confused. "I know, but you thought it and I my dear can read thoughts" He said. Nice I thought. He just glanced at me and giggled!
    "There you are my dear, why don’t you cover up" he said as he handed me his jacket. "I’m fine, I’m a were-wolf remember, I don’t get cold easily" I said. "Yes, I know this but I just figured you'd like to cover up them goods" He said smiling. The fact was were-wolves didn’t mind being naked, we were very sexual creatures and were not afraid to show it. "Just give me the jacket" as I snatched it out of his hands. "My names Talon, it’s nice to meet you" Talon said as he extended his hand for me to shake. Of course I refused, He is a vampire for god sakes, I hate vampires why would he save me. What did he want with me? I thought. "I do not want anything from you, I saved you because what Uriel is trying to do is wrong, well his intentions are wrong" He said dryly "Why in the world would he want me to carry his child? It makes no since" I asked. "You haven’t heard of the myths? The Rare hybrid, half vampire half were-wolf?" He asked. "I remember my pack telling stories about the hybrids, but I always thought they were just stories" I said as I walked to a tiny fishpond I had spotted.
"They were only stories, Until Uriel started researching it." "He then discovered one of the females from the Kumori pack lived, and begun hunting for you" He said while watching me clean the mud and dirt of my body. "Like what you see bloodsucker" I spun around and said. "Actually little wolf, I do!" He said making me blush. "Well too bad for you I don’t like killers" I said in a very hasty voice. He gave me this look, almost like id hurt him. "What makes you think I'm a killer, I just saved your life didn’t I?" he had said to me with this look on his face that made me almost want to believe him. "You hunt and kill humans, id say that’s being a killer" I said as I stared into his crystal blue eyes. "Yes that is a killer, but I do not hunt, nor kill humans" he spoke with sincerity in his voice. "I drink blood that I get from blood banks to survive" He said while staring back into my dark brown eyes. "So you don’t drink from humans?" I asked very curiously. "I only drink from a human when I am being intimate, but my partner is always very willing to let me" He said with a certain spark in his voice.
There was something about this vampire that made my body burn with desire, or maybe it’s just the full moon coming soon. When the full moon hits I cannot control myself or my body, I have to mate! My body aches and burns for pleasure, and if we do not mate during the full moon we can lose control of shifting and we can become rabid! And then I remembered tomorrow night was going to be a full moon!

Last edited by hayden09 (2011-01-27 14:00:15)

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#2 2011-01-27 15:11:09

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 441

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

Well, Hayden, let me be the first to welcome you to the Werewolf Cafe.  I always love seeing new potential writers and I appreciate getting the chance to read your work.  I can't speak for others, but I can share with you my opinions and give you constructive feedback as long as you don't mind.  I recognize that most beginner writers can easily get discouraged by critiques and the fact that you're willing to share with us is most certainly commendable and worth mentioning smile

Personally, I like your story so far!  It's ripe with potential.  I'm pleased to see you've chosen to write it in first person perspective as one of my favorite authors, Jim Butcher of the "Dresden Files" series, does this.  I also enjoyed some of the background to in which you weaved through out the beginning, especially the conflicting aspect of the two supernaturals.  Another point I also found captivating was the sexual tension you've begun to hint at between Ravenna and Talon.  It's... Enticing.

I noticed only a few misspelled words and maybe a handful of them were spelled correctly, but misused in context.  No biggy really.  All authors deal with that, no matter how experienced they are.  I must say it looks as though you ran it through a spell checker before posting, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.  It's a great tool and often under utilized.  I myself am guilty of it, I have to admit, as I often depend on auto correct to catch my mistakes.

I'd suggest working out the format first.  I realize that can be a chore in the beginning as you're trying to figure out how this web site works, but be patient, experiment, and try different things.  The main issue would be to start a separate paragraph whenever you have an individual speaking.  It helps the reader to keep track who is saying what and is less distracting to the eye.

As in any beginning endeavor you can expect to make many mistakes, after all that's how we improve and develop ourselves into better writers.  Don't worry if what you've written doesn't feel like an instant best seller.  It takes time and lots of practice for the majority of us to get to that point.  The trick is to take all the feedback you get with a grain of salt, and turn it into something constructive which benefits yourself.  But even more importantly to have fun and enjoy what you're creating.

I hope you continue working on this and share it with us, as I'm very eager to explore your world and characters.  Character development is one of my strong points and I have a particular interest in the romantic aspects as of late since it is something I consider to be one of my weaker writing skills, and a large issue in which I'm trying to wrestle with in the story I'm currently working on because I'm not yet entirely sure of how I want the final outcome to be. 

Keep up the good work and I'll keep reading giving you feedback as you go smile

Last edited by SilentStrider (2011-01-27 15:18:40)

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#3 2011-01-27 15:20:07

hayden09
Member
Registered: 2011-01-27
Posts: 58

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

Hey SilentStrider
I apprieciate the feedback, and thank you for being honest. I love constructive feedback, like i said it was the first time ive ever tried writing a story. I am a bookaholic and love to read anything paranormal so I thought it would be fun to try and write a short little story! I guess the hardest thing is knowing how the layout should be and coming up with a good story but hey im trying! Thanks again for your feedback:) Im excited to go read some of your work!

Thanks

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#4 2011-01-27 16:44:19

SilentStrider
Member
From: Michigan, Oscoda
Registered: 2008-09-10
Posts: 441

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

I'm extremely pleased to hear your interest in checking out my work.  I know I have a lot written and what feels like an infinite amount more to go, but I'm undaunted by the magnitude of my personal goal because I very much love the whole creation process.  If you should find yourself interested in reading my story I'd like to say feel free to post your opinion no matter where you are currently at.  I know I have a bunch of questions that I've never felt were aptly answered, but no worries if you don't.  Just knowing your willing to take a look is compliment enough, and I sincerely hope you do enjoy the read.  I feel like I've come a long way in developing my writing talent and the work I post here is, in my opinion the best I've ever done.  It's far from perfect and I know I'm not the most talented author out there, but I do my best, and enjoy the whole process of it all.

If you ever feel hungry for more fresh reading material from other aspiring authors from this site I'd also highly recommend Wolf--Prologue, and Untitled story scribblings.  Their work may serve to help you in becoming a better writer.  I know they've both been strong inspirations for me.

LOL.  I remember the first time I ever tried to write a story of decent size.  I was eight I think, which feels like a life time ago for me, and it was a bout Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.  I look back now at the memory of it and I have to laugh at my own embarrassing attempt, but at the time, as an eight year old child who still believed Santa Clause was real, I thought it was the best story ever.  It was in a marble black and white notebook with over fifty pages written in pencil, quite an accomplishment for me at that age.  I also recall I had misspelled every single time the name "Rudolph" as "Rudolf".  I wish I still had the notebook and was able to look back on it for nostalgic reasons.

I completely know what you mean about the difficulties of working through a layout/outline.  It can be very time consuming and every writer has their own method of doing so, albeit similar in many ways.  For me I just started writing my first chapter before creating an outline and used that as my diving board.  As a result it took me forever to get through my first chapter (years) and I also bogged it down heavily with back story and redundant information.  Every now and then I get an itch to go back and jump in head first to clean it all up, but I fear I would get too absorbed in the task and become distracted from moving the overall story forward.  For now I try to ignore that itch and worry about those details for later when I feel I have the first book at the conclusion I have planned.

Outlines are an ever evolving piece of work and I've discovered in my personal experience to be incredible helpful in many ways.  There are a lot of different styles you can utilize and if you want I can give you a few examples to work with so that you may find one that works for you.  I use several different kinds depending on my mood and what I'm visualizing for the scene(s) I'm trying to work through.

Last edited by SilentStrider (2011-01-27 16:54:08)

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#5 2011-01-28 00:05:34

hayden09
Member
Registered: 2011-01-27
Posts: 58

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

I would love to see some examples anything to help:) god knows I need it lol! Sounds like writing is a big deal for you, thats awesome and yes im getting ready to read some of your work in just a few min.

I write poems and I love it, like you I have been writing poems since I was a little girl. But stories are WAY different lol but I figured it would be fun to try, what could it hurt to try right?

Thanks again for welcoming me to the site and giving me feedback:)

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#6 2011-01-28 07:37:24

thewerepanther
night crawler of the ice
From: in and out of the duait
Registered: 2010-12-31
Posts: 399

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

nice story hayden feel free to jion the weresvholl


the frozen were froze by me
by basts side i fight set and any demons who opsse us
私の中でパンサー。だけでなく、任意の獣類誇りリーダー

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#7 2011-01-28 12:19:30

hayden09
Member
Registered: 2011-01-27
Posts: 58

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

Thanks thewerepanther thanks for reading it:)

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#8 2011-01-28 12:21:22

thewerepanther
night crawler of the ice
From: in and out of the duait
Registered: 2010-12-31
Posts: 399

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

wereschool i mean


the frozen were froze by me
by basts side i fight set and any demons who opsse us
私の中でパンサー。だけでなく、任意の獣類誇りリーダー

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#9 2011-01-28 12:24:08

hayden09
Member
Registered: 2011-01-27
Posts: 58

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

where do I join at? Im new at this site!

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#10 2011-01-28 12:25:06

thewerepanther
night crawler of the ice
From: in and out of the duait
Registered: 2010-12-31
Posts: 399

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

cafe live games
then it says wereschool


the frozen were froze by me
by basts side i fight set and any demons who opsse us
私の中でパンサー。だけでなく、任意の獣類誇りリーダー

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#11 2011-01-28 12:44:17

thewerepanther
night crawler of the ice
From: in and out of the duait
Registered: 2010-12-31
Posts: 399

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

its 11 down on index so r u were or therian


the frozen were froze by me
by basts side i fight set and any demons who opsse us
私の中でパンサー。だけでなく、任意の獣類誇りリーダー

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#12 2011-01-28 13:25:24

hayden09
Member
Registered: 2011-01-27
Posts: 58

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

kay and were

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#13 2011-01-28 13:32:16

thewerepanther
night crawler of the ice
From: in and out of the duait
Registered: 2010-12-31
Posts: 399

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

5 down


the frozen were froze by me
by basts side i fight set and any demons who opsse us
私の中でパンサー。だけでなく、任意の獣類誇りリーダー

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#14 2011-01-28 13:35:51

hayden09
Member
Registered: 2011-01-27
Posts: 58

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

lol no i meant im a were:)

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#15 2011-01-28 13:46:28

thewerepanther
night crawler of the ice
From: in and out of the duait
Registered: 2010-12-31
Posts: 399

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

cool what animal ima black panther therian my self


the frozen were froze by me
by basts side i fight set and any demons who opsse us
私の中でパンサー。だけでなく、任意の獣類誇りリーダー

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#16 2011-01-28 19:08:50

hayden09
Member
Registered: 2011-01-27
Posts: 58

Re: First time ive every tried to write a story but I just did it foir fun

Werewolf

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