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#1 2011-03-06 08:34:37

Kormiak
Return of the Bard
From: Warrior's Hold
Registered: 2011-03-01
Posts: 5996

The Wolves of Caledonia

North Britannia
63 A.D.
Prolouge:
Superstition

It had been a sunny day, two weeks ago when Quintus Julius had been ordered to take his Cohort of five-hundred Legionaries out of their fort on the outskirts of the wild, northern territories of Britannia and move north to quell a small revolt in a village that was supposed to be under Roman control. Now, it was a wet and misty morning as he and his men began to finnish the clean up and get ready to head back.  All in all, it had been an easy mission, thanks to how underfed and underarmed the locals had been.  He had lost only about two-dozen of his Cohort, with perhaps another half-dozen wounded.  In total, he had killed around three-hundred of the enemy, men, women and children, for even the women were allowed to fight in this barbarous country, though he probably would've killed them anyway, as he had been ordered to take no slaves.  Now, the last dozen survivors hung from the crude crosses he had ordered built on the road here, in the middle was their priest, the man who had led them.  He writhed in agony, but always on his face was a look of pure defiance.  Suddenly he stiffened, and blood bubbled out of his mouth and nose.  "Aww, his lung popped!"  Cried a Legionary who had a bet that the priest would last longer than this.  "Yeah, Varus," said another, one of the winners, "now pay up!"  Julius watched as the priest leaned back his head and let out a defiant roar, that was taken up soon by the other eleven. "BRIGA!"  They shouted, even the children.  This continued until the preist finaly coughed and sputtered out his dying breath.  Julius noticed a young Legionary nearby, touching an iron amulet to Mars that hung from his neck, and muttering a prayer.  He rode up next to the boy and asked, "Superstitious, soldier?"  The boy looked up guiltily, and stammered, "No, Sir....I-I mean, well.....Can't you feel it, Sir?"  Julius frowned at the impertinent youth, but decided to humour him.  "Feel what, soldier?"  The boy looked around, fearfully, then back up at his commander.  "It's this place, Sir," he said, shaking a bit, "it is not our land......It will not accept us!"  Julius shook his head.  Superstitious peasents!  He had no idea how the Empire had made it this far whilst hiring these rabble.  He began to issue the orders that would get the Cohort up and moving.  As he glanced back along the column, towards the village, he noticed a crow land on top of the priests cross, then turn and look at him.  With a loud caw, it flew off, passing over the column on the way.......

Last edited by Kormiak (2011-03-06 20:23:32)


Ná coiléar ná Corónach!

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#2 2011-03-06 20:19:26

UlfrAndi
Spirit Walker
From: Your Darkest Dreams
Registered: 2010-05-26
Posts: 13066

Re: The Wolves of Caledonia

interesting... im ready to see more of this. keep me posted on it smile


And if strength is born from heartbreak,
Then mountains I could move.
And if walls could speak,
I pray that they would tell me what to do

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#3 2011-03-06 22:12:42

Kormiak
Return of the Bard
From: Warrior's Hold
Registered: 2011-03-01
Posts: 5996

Re: The Wolves of Caledonia

North Britannia:
63 A.D.
Two days later, dawn
Chapter 1
The Wolves
Julius rode at the head of his Cohort, trying to see through the thick mist that was hanging in the air.  The jangling of the men's armor and equipment was muffled, echoing softly through the fog.  This was the one thing he truly hated about Britannia, how cold and wet the damnable place was.  He thought he heard something ahead, like the soft snort of a horse.  He looked but could see nothing.  Probably just the mist playing tricks on my mind he thought, nervously.  He shook himself roughly, he was the commander of a Cohort of Rome, not some simple minded peasent, he would not let himself fear this country.  Though some thing inside him still whispered that fear, nay, pure terror was the only proper thing to feel.
*******
Lucius, the young Legionary who had fingered his talisman at the crusifixion was doing so again, now.  This country made him nervous, the gods and ways here were so strange, they terrified him.  The local tribes were just as frightening, with the blue paint they wore, and the way they rubbed a mixture of white lime and river clay into their hair before battle, to make it stiffen into spikes on their heads, and bleach it the color of old bone.  That, and many other things terrified him.  He was a firm believer that Rome should not have come here.  They should have stayed to their own lands, instead of getting greedy for more.  As he marched forward, he became aware of a certain feeling in the air, like the spark before a bolt of lighting.  It was as he was attempting to figure out what that meant, that Julius called a halt.
*******
Julius stared ahead of him, at a lone female figure, nude, on the back of a horse.  She was painted in dozens of intricate geometric patterns, and her hair was limed, in the fasion of only the best tribal warriors.  She appeared to be unarmed, however, so he smirked, and rode forward.  "So," he said, "this is the best the tribes can offer?  A woman with no weapons and no armor, and an old nag?"  Despite his insult, the horse was actually quite nice to look at, as was the woman, once you sepperated her from the paint.  Perhaps he would get a few spoils after all.  The woman smiled, a more feral, blood-chilling leer he had never seen, and that was when he noticed the one symbol that had before been lost amidst all the others; a wolf's head, snarling in anger was tatooed rather than simply painted on both her chest, between her breasts, and on her horse's left shoulder.  This was a tribal symbol, he knew, but he knew not which tribe it was connected to.  The paint began to play tricks on his mind, he swore her face had shimmered for second, but now that he looked closer, he could see it was shimmering, then a clawed hand shot out, and he fell from the saddle, dead.
*******
She was Corna nic Mordra, and she was of the Wolves.  She watched the Roman commander who had butchered the small Brigante village slide out of the saddle, blood spraying from the open neck wound, then she tipped back her head and howled, the signal which was taken up quickly by the other 600 Wolves who hid in the trees and had been tailing the Cohort since shortly after they left the village.  This land..., she thought, 'tis not yours.....And 'twill never accept you!.......

Last edited by Kormiak (2011-03-14 03:10:18)


Ná coiléar ná Corónach!

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#4 2011-04-02 01:02:20

RedMoonstruck
Member
Registered: 2011-03-30
Posts: 161

Re: The Wolves of Caledonia

Wow! I'm loving you for doing something different! No offense to some of the other writers on these forums, but it's really nice to see something that isn't about angsty teenagers. I think some of the tension could be built a bit more. The pacing feels a bit rushed in some places - mostly from when Corna first appears. Your characters - even the minor ones - I can see are well-developed and there is some great foreshadowing. smile I already like Corna. XD

Also, I'm not sure if your story is appearing in clumps due to the forums, but you need to break up the dialogue a bit better; a new paragraph for every character speaking. Like so:

     "Aww, his lung popped!"  Cried a Legionary who had a bet that the priest would last longer than this. 
     "Yeah, Varus," said another, one of the winners, "now pay up!"
      Julius watched as the priest leaned back his head and let out a defiant roar, that was taken up soon by the other eleven. "BRIGA!"  They shouted, even the children.  This continued until the preist finaly coughed and sputtered out his dying breath. 
     Julius noticed a young Legionary nearby, touching an iron amulet to Mars that hung from his neck, and muttering a prayer.  He rode up next to the boy and asked, "Superstitious, soldier?" 
      The boy looked up guiltily, and stammered, "No, Sir....I-I mean, well.....Can't you feel it, Sir?"
      Julius frowned at the impertinent youth, but decided to humour him.  "Feel what, soldier?" 
     The boy looked around, fearfully, then back up at his commander.  "It's this place, Sir," he said, shaking a bit, "it is not our land......It will not accept us!" 
     Julius shook his head.  Superstitious peasents!  He had no idea how the Empire had made it this far whilst hiring these rabble.  He began to issue the orders that would get the Cohort up and moving.  As he glanced back along the column, towards the village, he noticed a crow land on top of the priests cross, then turn and look at him.  With a loud caw, it flew off, passing over the column on the way.......


That reminds me; your dialogue is really good, too! And flows naturally, but try to avoid breaking it up with too much narrative. It can be really jarring to the reader.I do the same thing though. >.< It's a habit I'm trying to get out of. Sometimes you just have to trust that your audience can see things as well as you can. smile I know it can be challenging, especially with a character that is an animated speaker. I have a character like that - can't seem to sit still or stop grinning long enough to say anything. tongue

Other than a few misspelled words and some grammar issues, I'm really interested in this story! So...when can I expect to buy this from my local bookstore? :3 Does it have a title yet? How far in are you? I hope you'll be posting more.

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