I'm new to this site and I wanted to introduce myself. I write Werewolf Erotica. Below is a sample of my first novella, Lucien's Mate, which is FREE on Amazon, BN, KOBO, Apple, Smashwords and several other online eBook stores.
I'm only going to post the first chapter. As I said, it's free online, so you can read all of it at your leisure. I'd love to know what you think. Feel free to contact me with any questions.
His instinct is to claim her. Her instinct is to run. Will Lucien enjoy the thrill of the chase and have the satisfaction of bedding his mate?
Virginal Lanie is shocked speechless when she meets Lucien, a sexy Alpha. From the moment he sees her, Lucien knows Lanie is his mate and he will stop at nothing to make her his. Unfortunately, Lanie is terrified of her attraction to him and refuses his advances. Can Lucien seduce this scared virgin? Will Lanie fight her growing desire for Lucien or will she throw caution to the wind and give her body and her heart to a man determined to have her?
Lucien’s Mate by Diana Persaud
Soul Mates (Book 1)
The door opened and he suddenly forgot how to breathe. Sights and sounds around him disappeared as he focused on her. He watched her while she spoke to the waitress, ran her hand through her short black hair. His eyes never left her as she walked across the room to the bar at the back of the restaurant. Her hips swayed slightly and he admired the way her jeans hugged her round ass. He wondered how good it would feel to hold her hips while he rubbed his cock against her generous bottom. His cock began to twitch in anticipation. His pack mates stared at him in shocked silence as he got up and walked across the room to the bar.
Lanie hurried into Jack’s, a local restaurant that catered exclusively to werewolves. She opened the door and stepped into the quaint restaurant. Laughter and loud voices greeted her as well as the scent of delicious Italian food. Behind the hostess podium, she noted an almost full restaurant. Diners sat at the tables enjoying red wine and pasta. Pasta was their specialty, and their garlic bread was to die for! She was certain Heaven had an unlimited supply of Jack’s garlic bread.
It was fairly early for the dinner crowd and she was surprised to see so many patrons here. This was her last errand today and she was anxious to get back to her darling triplets. Tessa greeted her warmly and informed her that they were unusually busy today, so they were a little behind on her daily order. At Tessa’s suggestion, she decided to wait in the bar.
“What’ll it be, darlin’?” Toby asked as he wiped down the counter. Lanie yawned as she sat down.
“Just coffee. I’m so tired I could fall asleep standing up!” She stifled another yawn, arched her back and stretched her arms behind her head, unaware the action pushed her breasts outward.
Toby licked his lips as he stared at her breasts and swore he heard a growl. His eyes snapped up and he saw the pissed off man behind her. He paled as recognition set in.
“Toby? What’s wrong? You look…” Scared as hell, she thought. What could possibly scare the tough looking bartender, she wondered as she turned around. She sucked in a breath, shocked at the man standing right behind her. Lanie could swear she heard warning bells going off in her head. This man exuded danger.
At six feet tall, he towered over her. He had short, thick black hair and the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen. His goatee only accentuated the three long scars across his right cheek. He looked seriously pissed at Toby. He clenched his jaw and she saw the muscle there jump. His shirt clung to his massive chest and flat belly. He also had really muscular arms, something she definitely appreciated. His fists were clenched at his sides. His entire body was tense, as if ready for a fight. She heard Toby swear and back away. She thought she heard him say, “shite man, I didn’t know….”
The stranger’s eyes followed Toby as he moved away. Once Toby was out of his sight, he relaxed his stance, tension completely gone. He moved to sit on the barstool next to her and turned to face her. He leaned slightly toward her, closed his eyes and inhaled her scent. His eyes snapped open and he looked at her, confusion on his face. She smelled of baby powder and had the unmistakable scent of pups, yet he could smell no man’s scent on her body. He was about to say something when Lanie’s cell phone rang.
She glanced at the caller ID and saw it was her brother, Michael. She answered and listened for a minute.
“ALL of them?! shite, don’t they have any damn manners?...Ok, Ok, I’ll get some more food, but they are busy here so it may take a while. I’m at Jack’s now, waiting for our usual order… mmmhmmm. How are the kids? ...Oh, good. All right, I’ll see you in a bit…bye.”
As she hung up, Tessa walked up and told her the food was almost ready.
“I hate to do this to you, but Taylor and the rest of his brothers just showed up, so we’ll need at least another lasagna….and a bunch of bread sticks.”
“Better make it TWO lasagnas and extra breadsticks. I know how those boys eat. I’ll put a rush on it. I know you are anxious to get back to the girls, Lanie,” Tessa said with a smile as she walked away.
Lanie smiled as she thought of her little nieces, barely 2 weeks old.
“He’s a worthless bastard to get you with pups then abandon you. You deserve better than that. I will provide for you and your pups. And in time, we will have our own.”
“Excuse me?” A very shocked Lanie turned to the man sitting beside her.
“Ahh…umm….” She floundered for something else to say. Just what in the hell was he suggesting? She was about to ask him when she heard someone call her name. She turned to the door and saw Riley walking towards her. Hot damn, the man was good looking. Her body reacted at the mere sight of him.
He could smell her arousal and it angered him that he wasn’t the cause. He looked at the tall blond man striding towards them. Realization hit him.
“It’s him, isn’t it? I’ll kill the worthless bastard,” she heard him growl as he stood up.
“Wait! You have it all wrong.” Lanie called out as she raced after him. She tried to grab his shirt, but he moved too damn fast. She did the only thing she could think of. She shoved him and he fell into a group of patrons. She quickly moved around him, to step in front of Riley. She put her hand on Riley’s chest to stop him. Lanie heard a loud, menacing growl. She turned around and held up her hand at the advancing stranger. He looked ready to tear Riley apart.
“He didn’t do anything...he’s not the father, my brother is!” She said. When she saw the shock on his face, she quickly clarified.
“What I meant was, my brother and his wife had triplets. I’m just here helping out.” That seemed to calm him down tremendously. She shook her head and let out a long breath, relieved that Riley hadn’t been hurt. This man had been ready to fight over her?
“What are you doing here, Riley? I thought you and your brothers were at Mike’s?”
“Mike said you came to pick up food and I thought you might need a hand,” Riley replied.
Just then, Tessa walked up with two heavy bags, announcing the food was ready. Lanie asked Riley to take the food home and assured him she would be right behind him. She turned to the stranger behind her and sighed.
“I…ah… think it was very sweet of you to…umm… your offer was….ahh….it’s obviously not necessary, so bye!” She turned and practically ran out the door.
He frowned slightly at her flight. At least he knew her name. Lanie. He walked over to the waitress, Tessa, determined to find out everything about his Lanie.
Later that night…
Her youngest niece finally fell asleep. After gently placing her into her bassinet, Lanie went to bed. She replayed the day’s events and thought she must have been in a twilight zone episode. There was no way any man, especially such an attractive one, would ever offer to take care of her. Especially if he thought she had gotten knocked up with someone else’s kid. But this guy did offer. Didn’t he? Maybe she misunderstood. Didn’t he say something about having kids with her? She was so confused. Didn’t most men run at the mere thought of marriage and a family? This one obviously didn’t. There must be something wrong with him, she concluded.
Maybe his vision was going. After all, she was hardly what anyone would call attractive. At a little over five feet tall, she had short brown hair, plain brown eyes and excess weight. And it wasn’t even in the right places! Her breasts were too small, her hips and butt were too big. Men like him preferred tall, leggy, voluptuous blonds, everything she wasn’t. Wait a minute. She knew what was wrong. He must be a werewolf! She sighed. It figures that the only guy to ever show interest in her was part wolf. That made him off limits then. There was no way a wolf pack would ever accept a human. She thought back to the day she found out about werewolves, almost two weeks ago.…
It was finally happening! Her sister in law, Devon, was going to have her babies. She wasn’t sure why Devon insisted on having her babies at home. She was expecting triplets, which was why Lanie decided to spend her summer vacation with her brother, Michael, and his wife. She knew they would need an extra hand to deal with three screaming babies.
Hell, IF I ever have a kid, I want an Epidural. shite! Maybe two or three, thought Lanie, as she heard her sister- in-law scream in pain. Several minutes later, she heard the distinct cry of a baby, then another cry and at last, one more. Three healthy baby girls were born.
Several hours later, she heard a loud sound coming from the nursery. She jumped out of her chair and ran to the room. Her heart stopped beating as she stared at the empty bassinet. She screamed and heard her brother come running into the room. A movement on the floor caught her eye. It was a wolf pup.
“Oh, My God! It killed the baby!” she screamed and reached for the lamp. She was going to throw it at the wolf pup when her brother snatched it out of her hands. He dropped the lamp and grabbed her by her arms.
“Listen to me! The baby is fine. The baby is safe!” he said as he shook her. Finally she calmed down.
“Safe? Nellie is safe? Where is she? Where’s Nellie? No one came in here….”
Her brother swore and then said, “The wolf pup… is Nellie.”
Lanie stared at him in disbelief. He explained how several years ago he had been attacked by a werewolf. Most people who were attacked usually died. The few who survived a werewolf attack always became werewolves. No one knew why. A werewolf leader, called an Alpha, heard about his attack and brought him here, to Second Chances, where he could live safely among others of his kind. It was here that he met and fell in love with his mate, Devon. About half of the citizens of Second Chances were werewolves.
“Usually pups don’t change this young unless they are frightened.” Michael said worriedly.
“I heard a sound. Maybe it scared her and she changed…into…a…wolf.” She still couldn’t believe it. But she did believe when she saw the wolf pup, which had just fallen asleep cradled in her brother’s arms, change back into her oldest niece.
Lanie, a science teacher, now believed in werewolves. Why hadn’t they been discovered yet? Then she remembered how her brother had sworn her to secrecy. What else was out there? Vampires? Leprechauns? Bigfoot?! She had a million questions for her brother and sister in law, but they became so busy with the triplets, she never got a chance to ask any of them.
She sighed yet again. One of these days she would find out if she needed to stock up on silver bullets, holy water and garlic. She fell asleep and dreamed of a large black wolf with familiar blue eyes.
This can’t be happening, thought Lanie as she glanced around Jake’s. It was packed…with pack. She was surrounded by werewolves. Members from neighboring packs had sent representatives to Second Chances to celebrate the birth of her triplet nieces. And she bet he was here. What if he said something? She was still embarrassed about running away from him like a scared virgin, but she wasn’t sure what to do when a man looked at her with such intensity. Not once in her twenty five years had a man ever looked at her the way he did. Then there was the small issue of the warning bells she had heard. What was that all about anyway? She panicked at another thought. What if he ignored her? Or worse, what if he was here with another woman? shite! It was best to just avoid him altogether. Especially since for the last three nights, she did nothing but dream of a large black wolf with his blue eyes.
He stood across the room and watched her. She looked lovely in her yellow floral dress. It clung to her in all the right places. He absently wondered what she wore underneath. His cock began to twitch and harden as he contemplated her underwear. Sexy lace panties? A thong? He swore he would buy her crotchless panties so he could just bend her over and take her without removing a stitch of clothing. His cock throbbed at the thought of entering her.
When she picked up the crying baby and soothed it, both his heart and loins clenched tightly. He wanted her. He wanted her holding his child. Holding their child. He had never considered having kids before. But then again, he had never contemplated settling down, either.
Not until he saw her.
Lanie caught a whiff and knew it was time for a diaper change. She turned around and disappeared though a door behind her. The small office had been set up as a temporary nursery for her three nieces. A microwave had been placed on the oak desk and the small refrigerator stocked with milk instead of beer. Three empty bassinettes stood in front of the oak desk. She changed and fed Jules. Not wanting to go back outside and risk seeing him, she decided to rock Jules. Within minutes, her tiny niece was asleep. She gently laid her in the bassinet and watched her sleep. Feeling guilty about leaving Devon with the other two babies, she worked up the courage to go back outside. Nellie needed a change, so she took her back inside.
He watched her as she took the last child into the room and wondered how long she would stay in there this time. He knew they would never allow him into the room, so he would have to wait until she got hungry. He would get his chance then. He smiled and settled into his chair, fantasizing about all the ways he could and would gently caress her.
She was starving! She’d only eaten half her lunch when the girls woke up and she never had a chance to finish it. Now her belly was growling rather loudly. She bit her bottom lip and decided to take a chance. He’s probably already left. After all, who in their right mind wants to stay and look at three kids that aren’t even theirs? Besides me, I mean. With that thought, she bravely opened the door and snuck out.
Because his eyes never left the door, he saw when she opened it and quietly sneaked out. She kept her head down and was trying very hard not to make eye contact with anyone. She headed directly for the buffet. BINGO! He reached the buffet when she did and reached for the plate at the same time.
“Sorry,” Lanie said, without looking up.
“You can make it up to me,” he said. She heard his deep voice and looked up. Her eyes widened and she sucked in a breath.
He took two plates, handing her one. He filled both of their plates, gently guiding her along with his hand on her elbow. Lanie was still shocked speechless. He wore a blue cotton shirt that accentuated his eyes, wide chest and his muscular arms. He was here! And he was talking to her. She had no idea what to say to him.
“Lucien! You are the only Alpha to honor us by attending this celebration. Come, sit with me,” requested Ethan, the Alpha of the Second Chances pack. Lucien turned to Lanie.
“Shall we?” he asked.
She stared at him with wide eyes and shook her head. Have dinner with two Alphas? She couldn’t handle one, much less two.
Lucien turned to Ethan and declined with a smile, “I would be honored to dine with you, Ethan, but Lanie is much easier on the eyes than you are.” Ethan laughed and nodded in understanding.
“Even my mate would agree with you. Enjoy your dinner.”
His name was Lucien, and he wanted to dine with her. She was both elated and terrified at the same time. He guided her to an intimate table for two. She was more important than making nice with another Alpha? She wasn’t sure that was such a good idea. She didn’t know much about werewolf politics, but politics was politics.
“Um….are you sure that was wise? Turning him down, I mean.” Lucien raised an eyebrow.
“Are you questioning my decision as an Alpha?” shite. Not even two minutes in his company and already she offended him.
“I just meant that….um…you know…politics?” Why couldn’t she form a coherent sentence when he was around?
“You’re absolutely right. I came here to celebrate the birth of your nieces as well as for… political reasons,” Lucien amended.
“But then I met you, and you are far more important than pack politics.”
She saw the way he looked at her and her body responded. She felt a sudden tightness in her belly. He smelled her arousal and smiled, knowing he was the cause.
“Are you going to run away again?” Lucien asked softly. “My wolf loves the thrill of a chase.”
“Are…are you talking about…is this a separate wolf…or…a.…”
“My wolf and I are one and the same. Sometimes I am more like a man in terms of thinking, and other times, I am more like a wolf, in both thoughts and actions.”
“So…what are you most like now?” Lanie asked genuinely curious.
Lucien leaned close.
“The man wants to seduce you with words. The wolf wants to throw you over my shoulder, take you to my bed and pleasure you until you say you are mine.”
Lucien leaned in closer and spoke in a soft, seductive voice. “My wolf is impatient and curious. I’m dying to know Lanie, lace panties, thong or nothing at all?”
“What?” This was a highly inappropriate conversation. She should put a stop to it.
“Or perhaps you would like me to check?” He leaned in, placed a hand on her knee and Lanie shook her head.
What was wrong with her? This man was beyond rude, inquiring about her underwear and she was describing it to him! Only to stop him from checking, she told herself.
“My wolf is pleased. Do you want to know what my wolf would do to you, Lanie?” Not really, she thought as she nodded. Why was her body not listening to her head?
“He would have me rip off your dress and your panties, so that I could suck on your nipples. I would push you onto my bed, spread your legs wide so I could lick your sweet spot. Would you spread your legs for me, Lanie? Hold them open while I lick you?”
Though she was speechless, her body reacted to his words. She was surprised at the sudden sharp stab of ‘pain’ she felt in her middle. Only, the sensation wasn’t painful, it was intense. Was this desire? Had her womb contracted? She became wet, felt an unfamiliar ache begin to form between her legs.
“I’m dying to taste you, to bury my tongue deep inside of you. I could spend hours tasting you, gently caressing you with just my tongue. Then I would use my fingers. Would you like to feel my fingers inside of you? Or would you prefer that I spread your legs and gently caress you until you screamed my name and begged me to take you again?”
“Jesus,” Lanie said as she felt her womb tighten more as flashes of pleasure/pain ran through her body. Lanie felt a sudden flood of wetness between her legs. Her mouth went dry and she licked her lips.
“Lanie…,” he said in a gruff voice. Desire darkened his eyes and his erection throbbed painfully. His hand moved up her thigh, pushing her dress up.
The way he said her name made her even more aroused. Her womb clenched and unclenched. Was she having an orgasm? With just his words? Then what could he do with his body, she wondered.
Lucien could smell how aroused she had become. Saw the way her breathing changed, the way she bit her bottom lip, the way her brown eyes dilated. It took everything in his power not to hoist her over his shoulder and carry her off to his bed, cave man style.
“You don’t play fair, do you?”
“I’m not playing, Lanie. I want you and you want me too. I can see the desire in your eyes. Give me a chance to win you, Lanie. I will cherish and protect you. I will satisfy you as no other could.”
Geez, was this guy a mind reader? She was going to melt into a puddle if he didn’t stop. It had to be bullshit. No way did he mean it. Why did he have to look so good and smell so divine? And say all the right things… how was she ever going to say no? Suddenly, she remembered the warning bells that rang in her head when she first met him. She sat up straight and decided she would run. Wolf be damned. She couldn’t handle a man like this. He was just too…intense.
“The girls! I…I better go check on them.” She got up and practically ran into their room. Lucien watched her go. His wolf was pleased. Let the chase begin.…
Greetings. I'm pleased to meet you and very appreciative that you were willing to share some of your work here with us at the Werewolf Cafe. I like to write as a hobby and hope to one day polish up the story I'm currently working on to the point where it might be worthy of publishing. I like what I've read of what you have posted here and hope you're okay with me providing some constructive feedback. Please don't take offense. The last thing I ever want to do is to hurt another writers feelings or discourage them from writing. I try to point out the things I like and dislike. I often feel the good stuff isn't pointed out enough in a critique. Okay... here it is...
Is Tessa a waitress. A brief sentence or two would be great to clarify her character. You might not even need that if you squeeze in a word here and there adding description to who or what she is / does.
It would be better to stick to one person's point of view (POV) per chapter. An example would be in the first chapter if you're using Lanie's POV don't describe Lucien's actions through his own POV. If you want to describe him taking in the scent of someone or something else and the chapter is in Lanie's POV then describe his nostrils flaring or perhaps he tilts his head up slightly sniffing the air. Then you could describe a facial expression to show how he might feel, and leave the rest up to the reader to figure out. If his emotional response requires more of an explanation then perhaps you can figure out a way to describe it later on through dialogue, action, or description. The important thing in this case is to show what Lanie is thinking and experiencing through her own senses and not jump back and forth between characters within a chapter. Don't feel bad about making this mistake. I did it quite badly as well when I first seriously tried writing for the first time.
Another good example is in the beginning of chapter two. It starts off from Lanie's POV then quickly becomes a description of her through Lucien's POV
I also noticed int the beginning where you were describing Lanie through Lucien's POV he saw her with black hair and later in that chapter Lanie is described with brown hair.
At the end of the first chapter where it begins, "Later that night..." the past and present tense gets a bit confusing, mainly where you were describing the babies being born. It was difficult to tell if she was living through that presently or if she recalling the moment from memory. It also felt like a lot crammed into that small section. Don't rush that part.
I would suggest spending a little more time setting up who Lanie is and the environment she lives in. What has it been like for her living with werewolves, especially from her human POV
I realize posting here doesn't exactly make formatting easy, such as indentation and paragraph / line separation, but those things help tremendously with eliminating confusion as to who is talking, and the action taking place.
What I liked...
You have some very clever and catchy ways of wording things. As an example of one of my favorite lines, "It was packed... with pack."
The idea of the place Second Chances is awesome. It makes me want to more about how you have things set up in your fictional world.
I very much enjoy the dialogue you have in chapter two between Lanie and Lucien. It flows nicely. There are a few spots that could be clarified a little better as to who's talking.
I liked the strong wolfish personality you gave Lucien and the words he uses. Full of primal and lustful energy like he's completely consumed with the thought of her. It sets a precedent telling me that the werewolf side of him runs strongly through out his life, but I also hope that in the future chapters we get to see a lot more depth to his character.
You have a very intriguing culture developed here and I'd love to know more about it. The wanting to know more is a very good response to have from your readers.
I've read a few supernatural romance books. There's one in particular that was a series I enjoyed more than the others. I'll have to check my bookshelves and get back to you on that title. I've even tried my hand at writing some erotica which got some pretty good feedback (I didn't post it on this site because... well... it was rather descriptive, and I thought it might not be okay for here).
In general I'm not much into picking up those hot steamy paper back romance novels you commonly see at the supermarket and such because I want to read more than just sexual interaction. Plot, character interaction and growth, foreshadowing, intrigue descriptive world development and such... that's the meat of the story I want to sink my teeth into. Being able to relate to the character(s) in some way makes me want to pick up the next book in the series. If you can include all that into a romance novel and make it to the point where the story is more important than the hot sex scene everyone can't wait to get to then that would be something I'd consider buying. Sex sells, but the story is king.
All in all I see excellent potential in your writing. Keep it up. If you ever want more feedback, or would enjoy bouncing ideas back and forth, feel free to contact me or post a response here. I check on this website at least once a week which is more frequently than I check on my emails, LOL
Last edited by SilentStrider (2014-09-23 01:59:23)
Thanks for the feedback, Silent Strider. Lots of food for thought
Will get back to you once the craziness in my life settles down.
I know everyone says "DON'T" switch POV. I do realize it's a huge issue with writers and with some readers. But I wrote it that way because I like knowing what the other person is thinking/feeling. I think it adds a layer of dimension to see how each person perceives a situation at that moment.
(For example, there is a later scene where he thinks he's being romantic and she thinks he's being too pushy. He starts acting like a 'wolf' and she gets offended. It's more about a communication issue. The story is about a 'werewolf' and human, but really it could be about any two people from different cultures. Having the perspective shift in that scene shows the reader he's not being an ass, he really does think "this is the way I'm supposed to act," and is confused that she doesn't respond the way "any female" would.
I thought about writing that scene from his perspective in one chapter then hers in the next but then it would be too repetitive. I know I have to iron out the kinks in switching perspectives. I think that comes with practice I guess this is part of my style, it just needs to be a little more polished.
I read lots of romance novels and sometimes I read it for the story and sometimes I skip to the "naughty" bits. But in romance novels, the "naughty" parts aren't that naughty. And in erotica, sometimes there is lots of sex but not enough story and it feels cheap. I'm trying to figure out the happy medium between both. I don't want my readers to have to wait too long for the naughty parts but don't want them to feel it's only about the sex. I guess when I figure out that perfect ratio, I'll hit a gold mine
I would love to return the favor and proof read or be a beta reader for you. Things are a bit hectic right now, so if you are not on a schedule, I'd be happy to help out. I'm the opposite- I check email more often than this website!
Some advice for writing scenes from different character POV, mind you this is only my opinion so take it for whatever you feel it's worth...
It's alright to hop to different POV's within a chapter, but I think the main reason most writers don't is because it adds another level to the story that if not done right can increase confusion and the reader will quickly lose interest. There's more to this I can add, but I'll save it for another time.
One suggestion that can help you is establish some kind of definitive marking within the chapter alerting your reader to a change in perspective such as a few asterisks. They'll get to that point and be like, "Hey, something is changing in the story here," and they'll be better prepared for it and thus more accepting of the change.
Another suggestion is when you do use an alternate perspective try to stick with that character for several paragraphs at least. Too much jumping around is a fast way to lose a reader. You need to give them a chance to connect and identify with the character you're writing about. Keep a definitive goal or point in mind and then build toward that, and then a clever way to switch perspectives is connect that point to the next character you want to share and continue the story from there. There's a bunch of clever little nuances to the switching perspective, but it's best not to do it in rapid bursts.
Let me know if this helps you, or if I did a horrible job in trying to clarify my points. It's late for me so if any of this seems like gibberish I claim temporary insanity brought on by mental fatigue.