wow! that was good!

* yawns *

Two hours of sleep last night and now I have to fight my way through the day . . . * falls over *

Interesting Beginning, Fen!
  You started with a dream sequence, one that was full of action, and then continued with the protagonist as he dealt with the ramifications of the dream's affect on him. I also liked the respectful sibling interaction as well - too many times the protagonist is at odds with their parents or siblings for no other reason than a stereotypical conflict, so I really like that you're allowing the brother and sister to be separate, but still a real family. Cool!

  I know this is a WIP, so take my critique with a grain of salt, okay?

  The dream sequence was engaging to be sure, but a little dizzying. I think the clashing of blades happened on the side of the building, perpendicular to the pull of gravity, but I'm not certain. Also, in the last couple of sentences in the dream it sounds like the villain was looking down at the hero, but then the hero was looking down at the villain. Taken literally that's kinda hard to accomplish - unless you're M.C. Escher.
  Granted, action sequences are among the most difficult to write, and are the most likely to be rewritten, so it's not too much of a worry. Even so, you may want to consider acting out the sequence yourself, or even making a storyboard with notes if you're graphically-inclined. 

  That being said, you certainly have an attention-getting beginning here, Fen. Keep going with it!

Vincent stared at his sister as she drove the car. He couldn't help but wonder why she had offered him a ride.  He and his sister got along well but it was only under the most extreme circumstances that she would offer him a ride.

Vincent sat quietly pondering the meaning of his sisters kind gesture when he heard her voice cut through his thoughts.

" Vince I need to talk to you about something. " Luna spoke aloud with her eyes focused firmly on the road.

" Ahh so this is why. " Vincent  murmured to himself. But the only words he spoke were. " What about Luna? "

Smiling sheepishly she started. " I've heard from a few friends that you've been getting into fights with the local punks again. " She smiled slightly as she finished the sentence the weight of carrying it already beginning to lift.

" Yeah so? " Vince answered simply. He got into fights with them almost every week what did it matter now?

" Well I'm just worried about you. I mean your my little brother and your not bullet prove so I want to know that your save. " Luna said with a slight blush. It was always so hard  to be open with her brother about this kind of thing.

" Sis. " Vincent spoke softly with a smile. He felt great knowing that she cared about him enough to confront him.

After a moments pause he said. " Luna I'll make you a promise. I promise that I won't pick any fights for awhile ok? I'll only fight to protect myself. "

" You swear? " Luna asked playfully.

" Yes I swear. I swear on my heart and my soul. " Vincent answered back with a smile.

" Ok then I guess I can rest easy now knowing that your being good. " Luna said with a laugh like tinkling bells as they pulled into the school parking lot.

Vincent slipped out of the car and stretched yawning slightly. As he turned to pick up his bag Luna called out to him.

" Heads up! " She called with a laugh.

Vincent looked up and saw a small wrapped box flying through the air towards him.

Instinctively he caught it. Blinking he looked from the box to Luna who was smiling at him with a goofy grin. She looked like a little kid about to yell out SURPRISE!

Vincent looked at the box one last time and then raised his head to stare at his sister. " Whats this? " He asked in confusion.

" Your birthday present! " Luna said in a loud quick breath. Almost as if she had been dying to let it out.

" What? Sis my birthday isn't for another week you know that. " He said with a huge grin on his face.


" I know it isn't Vince but I couldn't wait that long to give it to you! " Luna said with another tinkling laugh as she walked around to his side of the car. " Go on open it. " She said as she gently pushed the box in his hand.

Vincent ripped open the wrapping paper and saw a tiny black box. It was the same kind that jewelers used. Opening it up he saw nestled in the cloth a silver chain with an emblem already hooked to it. The emblem consisted of a crimson heart in the middle with a pair of black angels wings stretching out from it.

" Sis it looks almost like yours. " Vincent said in a shocked tone as he looked up at his sister.

" Yep it was modeled after mine. I had it custom made for you. " Luna said with a grin.

Smiling she slipped her hand in the top of her blouse and pulled out an emblem much like Vincent's except the heart on it was silver and the angels wings were white. Grinning she let it fall onto her chest and picked up Vincent's necklace.

As she hooked it around his neck she smiled and whispered. ' You and I are really different Vince but we are a family and we love each other. So I got these so we would always be connected "

Vincent stared in disbelieve as his sister backed away and smiled. As the bell for first period rang she smiled and turned to get her bag out of the car. Straighting up she turned as if to walk away.

Vincent blushed and moved a step closer to his sister. " Sis? " He called softly.

" Yeah Vince. " She said as she turned to face him.

Pulling her into a hug he murmured. " Thanks I love the present and I love you Luna . "

Pulling away he blushed again. He wasn't used to being so  kind towards his sister.

" I love you too Vince. " Luna said with a smile. " Now get to class before your late again! " She said with a laugh.

Grinning like a fox Vincent ran off pausing to wave goodbye  to his sister for only a moment before disappearing into the school building.


To be continued . . .

Vincent yawned up at the dimming sky. School had been out for a few hours and dusk was fast approaching.

He had said goodbye to Luna  back at school and asked her to carry his bag back home. After that he had made his way down to the river and had been walking along it ever since.

He loved their city because right through the center of it ran was a river. It had been originally a natural landmark but when the city was built they raised the banks around it until it was basically a trough of water that flowed through the landscape. It lead directly to a small cove at the nearby beach. In fact judging by how far he had walked Vincent was at the end of the city limits and was only  a quarter of a mile way from the beach. 

As Vincent sat on the edge of the bank yawning and gazing into the water he heard a male voice call out out him.

Blinking he raised his head and saw his best friend riding towards him on his bike.

" Yo whats up Vincent? " Tod asked as he stopped the bike beside Vincent.

" Not much man just staring at my reflection! " Vincent said with a laugh as he stood up.

" Hey listen Vince I heard something pretty rough at the shop today. " Tod said in a rushed excited voice. He only spoke like that when it was about girls or fighting.

" Oh yeah? Whats up Tod? " Vincent asked with slight concern.

" You know two weeks ago when you beat the crap out of Danny Stone's crew? Well word is that they finally got back together and that their planning a  beat down today. " Tod said in one quick breath.

Vincent smiled and laughed gently.

" Thanks man I owe you one but I haven't seen hide nor hair of Danny all day. So I'm not to worried about it. " Vincent said with a smile.

Tod opened his mouth to say something when the sound of laughter reached them from across the small grassy clearing. Turning to look they saw seventeen guys standing there with their leader standing at the front. It was none other than Danny Stone.

" Damn it. " Vincent and Tod whispered at the same time.


To be continued . . .

I agree with ***** - this was a great place to end your segment.
  Even so, he explained to his sister that he would only fight in self-defense, and seventeen individuals against one are not good odds - unless he can goad Danny into a one-on-one, that is.
  The family affection between Vince and Luna was very enjoyable. I also appreciated the 'alone time' you gave to Vince - it was a nice way of developing the character indirectly.

  Keep it coming, Fen!

Vincent wiped the blood away from his split lip and looked down at the thug he had just  knocked out. This was the sixth guy he had beaten down. Tod had taken three out as well but there were  still too many of them.

" Eight left. " Vincent snarled as he turned to face the next two that were approaching him.

So far they had been toying around with Tod. All his opponents had came at him one by one but when it came to Vincent they had launched themselves at him two at a time.

The pair of brutes rushed him simultaneously. Their muscled hands trying to grab him and pin him down.

Dodging back Vincent lashed out with a round house kick at the nearer of the two and felt his foot connect with something soft.  He snatched a quick glimpse as he regained his balance and saw that he had struck his attacker in the nose. It was now bent at an odd angle with blood gushing out of it. The thug lay on the ground now groaning in pain.

However the other punk was still coming and before Vincent could react he felt the shock of a fist slamming into his gut and almost collapsed onto the ground.

Snarling again he raised his head and stared into the punk's dumb angry eyes. And as the punk saw the look of pure fury on Vincent's face fear spread across his.

Growling in anger Vincent grabbed the poor punk's jacket and jerked him roughly. Snarling again Vincent slammed his head forward and heard the satisfying crunch as his head slammed into the punks.

Dropping him Vincent turned and saw Tod standing in the center of another ring of punks. He had been pushed back towards the river beside his bike. He had his hands on the handle bars and he seemed to be staring at the four punks around him with a relatively calm expression.

As he noticed Vincent staring at him he smiled and called out to him. " Hey Vince remember the fighting moves we made up as kids? Well I got a new one! "

As he called this out the punks froze and glanced at each other in confusion. It was in that one second that  Tod kicked up his bikes stand and lifted it by the handle bars.

Swinging the bike around in a circle by the handle bars he slammed it into the thugs making them crumple like empty paper bags.  As the last one fell he dropped the bent, broken bike and collapsed onto his knees breathing heavily.

With a slight smile Tod raised his fist with the thumb sticking up. Grinning he turned his fist upside down and winked.

Vincent knew that gesture well. It was one of the many Tod had used when they were kids.

Vincent grinned weakly and turned to face Danny and the last remaining thug.


At a gesture from Danny the thug moved away and left him standing there alone. Now no one stood between Danny and Vincent.

Vincent felt his split lip throbbing and from the pain in his ribs he guessed that at least one of them was cracked.

He knew that to beat Danny it was going to have to be a one hit knock-out. Otherwise he wouldn't stand a chance.

Everyone that had ever fought Vincent knew his style. He would stand back and wait for his opponent to make the first move. Danny knew this as well and was probably planning on rushing Vincent any time.

As he took another shuddering breath Vincent remembered the dream he had that morning. He remembered that in the dream the hero had rushed his enemy and that had caught him of guard.

Grinning he thought " What the hell lets give it a try! "


Just as Danny tensed his body to run Vincent rushed at him across the short space between them. As he ran he began to zigzag in an odd pattern completely confusing  Danny.

Vincent ran up to the now throughly confused Danny and dropped down almost onto his haunches and tensed the muscles in his legs.

Launching himself upward with all his strength words seemed to form on his tongue almost begging to be spoken.

Vincent opened up his mouth to speak and a wild voice the he couldn't believe was his own ripped out.

" SUNRISE UPPERCUT!!!! " He yelled as his clenched fist connected with Danny's jaw.

Danny flew backwards and hit the ground hard unconscious before even touching it.

Vincent stared down at him for a moment and then raised his head to look for the other punk. He saw him over by the river fighting Tod. It was obvious who was going to win and it wasn't Tod.

Vincent took off like a bullet running to help his best friend.  The punk shoved Tod back and raised his fist to strike him again. Tod was balanced dangerously close to the edge of the river and if the thug hit him he would fall into the fast moving current.

" No! " Vincent yelled as he slammed into Tod knocking him out of the way at the last second.

And in stead of Tod the thug's fist slammed in to Vincent sending him flying in to the water.

" Vincent! " Tod called down into the surging water as his eyes searched for his fallen friend.

His voice was the last thing Vincent heard before his head slammed into one of the rocks that jutted out of the water sending him down into darkness and water.




To be continued . . .

Vincent's head pounded as he lay on the sand it felt as if someone had hit him with a sledge hammer.

" Wait a minute. Sand? He thought as he sat up making his head throb even more.

As he looked around he realized that he was at the beach!

" How did I get here? The last thing I remember is going into the river and hitting that rock. " He said out loud as he thought to himself.

Shakily he stood and made his way closer to the water's edge. As he looked out over the water he noticed something. His clothes were completely dry and there wasn't even a bump on his head where he had hit the rock. 

" What the hell happened to me? " He asked himself as he watched the setting sun.

Suddenly a star fell from the sky streaking through the clouds towards the sea. As it fell another star fell streaking towards it with incredible speed.

Vincent stared in disbelieve as he saw the second star start to move closer to the first and it disappeared .

" What the!? " He said with a gasp as the second star leveled off and flew not into the ocean but towards him!!!

Vincent yelped in panic as he tried to turn and run but he tripped and fell to the ground.

The star came to a gentle stop above him and stopped shining. And Vincent saw that it wasn't a star it was a beautiful girl dressed in a white shimmering dress. And sprouting from her back were four white wings glowing in the light from the
setting sun.

" She's and angel. " Vincent thought as he stared up at the girl. " A real angel. "

" Hello Vincent are you felling alright? " The angel asked with a friendly smile.

" I'm fine. " Vincent said in a quit shocked voice. " Who are you? " He asked as he stood up shakily.


" Me? I'm the Angel of Fallen Stars. " She said with a smile. " You might be better off calling me  something shorter though so just call me Gale! "

" Gale am I dead? " Vincent asked bluntly fearing the worst.

Gale smiled and said. " I would hope not it was a pain pulling you out of the river. "

" You saved me!? " Vincent asked with a gasp as he stared up at Gale. " Why? "

" Hmm well I saved you because your dream is one of my favorites. " Gale said with a slight smile.

" My dream? " Vincent asked in confusion.

" Ok I'll explain it to you. " Gale said with a smile. " Every star that falls is a dream and it's my job to catch them and give them back to the person that they belong to when they want them back. Understand? "

" Yes but what did you mean about my dream being one of you favorites? " Vincent asked as he sat down on the sand.

" Well you used to have a dream about protecting your loved ones. It's one of my favorites because it's so different. When I had to save it from falling into the sea I almost cried. I just couldn't believe you'd given up on your dream. " Gale finished as tears came into her eyes.

" Oh I'd forgotten about that old dream. " Vincent said simply. He didn't know what else to say.

" Anyway I couldn't let you die because if you do your dream disappears  and I don't want that to happen. " Gale said with a sad smile. " Your dream carries so much power and you don't even acknowledge it anymore. "

" Well I umm . . . " Vincent murmured as he looked down at the sand. " I'm sorry but I realized along time ago I can't protect anyone. I'm not strong enough . He said dejectedly.

" Vincent I don't agree with you. You have much more power than you know. " Gale said with a smile.

" So will you take your dream back? " Gale asked as she extended her hand and a glowing star appeared in it. 

" I can't yet I'm not strong enough to protect everyone I love. " Vincent said as he looked away with a tears in his eyes.

" Alright Vincent I'll just hold on to this until your ready for it. " Gale said as she closed her hand.

" I need to get home and make sure that Tod is ok. " Vincent said as he stood up. " I . . . I hope I can repay you for saving me one day Gale. Thank you.

" Your welcome Vincent. I'll see you again soon. " Gale said with a smile as she began to glow again and streaked off into the sky.

" Goodbye Gale. " Vincent whispered as he began to make his way home.


He was completely unaware that a much darker angel was watching him from the shadows.


To be continued . . .

Vincent stumbled sleepily into his house. It was well past his curfew and he knew he was in for it.

As he walked through the kitchen he thought about what had happened since he had first seen Gale at the beach.

He had made his way back to the spot beside the river to see if Tod was still around. He  didn't have to go far before he spotted Tod. He was searching the river in panic when he spotted Vincent walking towards him.

" Vincent! " Tod called as he ran towards him.

" Hey! " Vincent called back with a weak smile.

" Vincent what the heck happened to you? I saw you hit the rock! " Tod asked him in one quick breath.

" I don't really know I just woke up on the bank down the river. " Vincent lied quickly.  For some reason he didn't want Tod to know about Gale and what had happened to him.


" Well are you hurt? No broken bones right? " Tod asked as he looked Vincent up and down.

" Yeah I'm fine just a little dizzy. "  Vincent said with a slight smile. This at least was the truth. His head had been reeling since his encounter with Gale at the beach.

" You should get home man. Get some rest ok? " Tod told him with concern in his voice.

" Yeah thanks man I will. " Vincent had told him with a weak smile.


And with that Vincent had made his way home. It was a far enough walk from the river that by the time he arrived at his house it was well into the night.

As he walked into the living room he smiled thinking that maybe he would be able to get up to his room without getting caught.

" Awful late aren't you Vince? "

" Ulp! " Vincent thought as he froze with his foot on the first step of the stairs.

Shakily Vincent turned around and faced the lounge chair across the room. Sitting in the chair was a fairly young women with light brown hair that ran down to her lower back. Her  piercing blue eyes stared at Vincent from across the room as her index finger tapped furiously on her arm.  She looked incredibly angry.

" H-hi M-mom. " Vincent said shakily as he looked at his mother.

To be continued . . .

I intended to go back and elaborate but never got around to it. I've some very heavy things on me so I doubt I get around to it anytime soon.  My apologizes.

Thanks *** . . . . I wish I had time to update but as of right now my schedule is getting more and more hectic.

Still I hope I'll be able to sit down soon and write a huge update soon so for now keep a weather eye on the horizon!


( I think I just sounded like a pirate . . . . )

Hmmm, intriguing.    Please do continue!