Here's another bit to make up for taking so long.

*Been edited...

Two exquisitely wonderful segments here, Punx. As usual, your descriptive talents shine.
  The uncertainty from Steven was told in a way that was easy for the reader to relate, as well as his musings. There was at least sentence in the first segment that was crying out "Expand me! Expand me!" but that's just about it.
  I enjoyed the glimpse into history as well, seeing a past relationship between Crowell and Jason. I found it rather interesting that you decided to give this glimpse now, before Jason is introduced. It's kind of risky to the sequence flow, however. Especially with Steven and Alex slipping off to Dreamland, this is definitely a classic location for a flashback sequence, but the sequence involves two people completely different than them.
  Needless to say, I'm really curious to see where you start the next segment.

Thank you for the suggestions. I hope to have more up by tomorrow.

Here's some more. Sorry for the delay, I was busy at a sleep over. Tell me what you think, and I know it's short so I'll post more on Monday.
*Been edited...

Riveting. Absolutely Riveting.
  Again, your descriptive talents put a glistening finish on the scene.
  I was a bit concerned that this revelation may backfire and create an excuse or a justification for Crowell's actions, but I don't think so now. I believe it gave Crowell a cause, and that cause has corrupted his sanity as time went on. It explains his actions, but it still doesn't excuse them, ya' know? Whichever the case, the character development resulting from the flashback sequence and Jason's little outing is absolutely outstanding.
  You should be proud, Punx; you really should.
  I'm curious to see where Jason finds himself when he awakens; and if it was Crowell that caught him, it will be very interesting to see how Crowell reacts to capturing his family's killer.

What an intense scene!

  Looks like Jason isn't going to be around for much longer, unless something unexpected happens. Since you've given us frequent tastes of the unexpected, we can just about expect the unexpected, but we'll see..
  The tormenting with the scalpel was a little difficult for me to read - that means it was really good. I could easily picture the whole scene in my mind; it's just that I have a personal difficulty with scalpels and needles and stuff like that. Such reaction in me should tell you how real it was in the reader's mind: very real. The scene was superbly envisioned. Terrific Job, Punx!

  Just a little bit of a concern, though - after all that Jason did to Crowell, is Crowell the kind of person to leave an important job like finishing off Jason to his cronies, or would he want to revel in doing it himself? I mean, this is the guy that slaughtered Crowell's family and nearly killed Crowell himself. It depends on what you have in store for the rest of the scene and the characters, of course, but it just seems a little hollywood-ish for the bad guy to capture his arch-nemesis and then leave their death to someone else.
  Again, just an idea.

*sticks a fork in the plot and it stays standing up*
Uh-huh. Thought so.

  This really makes you wonder what Jason's intentions are, and if he's told anyone in the pack. I mean, he's really in a tough position. He's been blackmailed by Crowell twice, and now he's a wolf among sheep (in a matter of speaking!).

  Again, I really like the loyalty that Alex is showing to Steven. We know where his loyalties lie, and that will help guide him in future decisions. I'm interested to see what the pack is going to explain to him next.
 
  If you wanted to, you can email me your specific concerns or you can list them here. If there's anything I can think of, I'll definitely let you know.

Last edited by Grayle (2008-02-22 11:32:15)

Truthfully, Punx, other than replacing a few pronouns with the original subject for the reader's convenience, there's not very much to make this segment better. It's that good.
However, since you asked:

The first and second paragraphs were terrific, explaining the intense yet unspoken competition between Jason and Alex, and then Alex's humble apology to Martina. I loved that. I also enjoyed the description of the meeting room, Alex's hunger, and also his discomfort with the unfamiliar faces.

Question - does Alex know Olivia's name by this time? If not, you may wish to end her description simply with the brown-skinned reference, and take her name away from the end of that paragraph; it just adds to the mystery of Olivia and the uncertainty of Alex, if that makes sense.

Here's an idea, but it's not necessary: 2nd to last paragraph - you could merge the 2nd and 3rd lines to say "Although her face remained neutral in returning his gaze, those liquid brown eyes held power and wisdom."

I'm not sure on this point: who said 'Sit you idiot!'? Did Alex say that in his mind, like the thought at the end of the paragraph, or was it the chortling teenager?  It might be helpful to clarify that point a little. Sometimes, if you have clear internal thoughts in the mind of the main character like that, you may prefer to put them in italics to separate them from everything happening externally.

You may want to play around with Alex's noticing Lottamay, and how he's introduced to the idea that she's a vampire, since he's never seen a vampire before - unless, of course, he has seen one before...

Again, these suggestions are little more than trifles. Both your storyline and storytelling are strong and solid, your descriptions are as superb as always, and your grammar is also very sound. Your amazing talents refuse to diminish, Punx.

ah - as to italics, bold, and underlined text, This linky should help.
Again, those suggestions are only suggestions, and are more along the lines of fine touches.

I really like what you did with Olivia. It adds sweetness her character - like there's a gooey, nougat core beneath that hard exterior. Okay, maybe that's going a bit too far - see, I got this candy bar sitting on my desk, taunting me, so... oh nevermind.
  Anyway, Olivia is showing that she isn't too jaded, but still willing to accept things as they turn out. It shows wisdom and flexibility, which is important for an enduring and endearing character. In fact, she's much like Martina and Gregory in that respect - all 3 of them are willing to take risks and not succumb to any prejudice toward humanity. I really appreciate that about all 3 of them.

  She must have picked up on Alex's fascination toward her. I wonder if she feels a similar pull toward him, regardless of her age and experiences. We'll see.

Alex's recurring desire for vicious revenge is a nice touch, but even better because he keeps it at bay. Me likey.

Alex's hesitation in joining the attack was also realistic, and well-explained. However, Martina's explanation feels like it's missing something. I think it's an assurance that the Pack knows what it's doing. Perhaps you could add something about "We know how his men fight, and we can teach you what to expect" or something to that effect to help assure Alex that he's not walking into his death. Does that make sense?

All in all, I really enjoyed the character development you offer in this segment.
Nicely done, Punx!

NOTE: this is a compliment: You write mild tragedy extremely well, Punx.

Having Jason struggle with his conscience, and then having him choose what we the audience already know to be the doomed path was really tragic and very believable, especially considering how selfish Jason has been over the years.

The whole scene with Alex and Steven was not only tragic, but really tugged at my heart strings. Though this parting of the ways is justified with good reasons, the loyalty and trust you've already added to their friendship makes this into a torturous parting.

  I was actually calling out "Oh, no! Come on, guys! Don't do this!" while I read this scene. I don't call out when reading very often, but this this scene made me do so. That's how good it is, Punx.

There were a few technical issues that caught my eye, but nothing big. I can email them to you if you want me to.

Very Very Well done.

Last edited by Grayle (2008-02-29 19:46:39)

okay, email on the way to you. Actually 2 emails, since I forgot to attach the findings to the first one.
Why do I always forget those things?

Other than that, I'll just be sitting here, awaiting the next segment....

Last edited by Grayle (2008-03-02 14:08:46)