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#1 2009-02-10 02:26:11

Hoshiko.Hime
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From: In your closet... nice shirt.
Registered: 2008-12-29
Posts: 185
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The House In The Claws Of The Ivy

My pulse quickened and my hair clung to the thin sheet of sweat sticking to the surface of my face. “Madam,” said I, “I think I'm having another spell." But her thin lips tightened with disgust at the sound of my voice and no further acknowledgement was made to my presence. The steady sound of the whip striking the horses kept to the beat of my unsteady heart. I felt myself lurch forward, bile in my throat and chest heaving with effort, extracting the sick from my fragile body. With a sudden angry burst, Mistress Byng struck me. I avoided her smoldering glare meekly. I reflexively reached out to stroke the scar along my palm, but the ropes binding my arms twisted forcefully, reminding me smugly of their presence.



As we approached the tall, spiked gates, I stared up at the beautiful architecture of the intricate masonry before me. Blue flowers every where, in an eclectic variety of shades and specimens. A small group of white roses, three or so, blossomed in the middle of the vine, standing out sorely. Ivy slithered around the beautifully arranged garden, up onto the lattice, holding the stone walls tenderly in its delicate grasp. As a young girl with darkening red hair heaved open the strong, iron-barred gates, a shrill screaming tore through my ears, lodged itself into my skull and lay there menacingly, echoing.



I awoke in a dimly lit room, with pale lavender curtains and white lace every where. My head ached and as I sat up I groaned. “Ah; careful!” a servant warned me with concern. “You might tear your bandages,” she explained. I looked down and saw blood soaking through the sleeves of my pale green dress. Alarmed, I met the maid’s eyes and asked, “What’s happened?!” She shook her head and told me she hadn’t seen anything except the carriage falling over. "Mistress Byng has lost her leg, I fear. She's also lost quite some blood, and Doctor Delacour isn't certain she'll last the night." Her hand rested on mine briefly. I withdrew mine fom hers in an instant. "Your hand is terribly cold," I told her, eyes wide with surprise.

"Yes, well, it's a rather cold night," she said dissmissively. "I'm afraid you can't see Mistress Byng, however," she told me firmly, as though I would oppose her or something of that kind. "That's well enough with me," I told her with relief. She gave me a curious glance and composed herself again to the emotionless, detached stance of before. "I shall go fetch the young mistress some tea, then?" she asked, obviously going to do so regardless of my answer. "Fine enough by me," I told her absentmindedly. As she left the room a great black dog wove through her ankles towards me.
He stood in front of me and cautiously approached me. After staring into my eyes for a moment, he leaned forward and sniffed my hand. I peered over at him, uncertain of why he had come to my room. But after a moment I gave in and pat his head tenderly.



"I had a dog like you when I was too young to ask questions," I told him softly. "He was my only companion in childhood. He left me eventually, although I'm not bitter about it. Everyone did, eventually. Even Mistress Byng is, now. I suppose Master Beauxbury will someday as well." The dog suddenly arose with a strong style of grace from the floor beside my bed, and waited outside the door until the maid re-entered with a silver platter with blue china and steaming tea. I thanked her sincerely and sipped on the tea, letting it burn my tongue and melt my anxious reminiscent thoughts into a soothingly numb sensation, focusing on the flavours of the tea. She placed the tray by the table and stood by the window, looking beyond the safety of the curtain. I stared at her back, watching the candle's flickering light dance on her red curls. When I glanced back toward the dog, he was gone.

Suddenly, I heard a withering scream from outside the window. Finally, the maid turned toward me and closed the curtain behind her. "Master Beauxbury has returned," she told me cheerfully.


Lights out.Boys sleepwalking on the weekend.Black out.Two nights killing off a best friend.Nights out.Girls keep walking on the east end.White out.Two lights shining on a dead end.Drawn out.Like circles trailing off the pavement.Stand out.Don’t stop marching till the hearts mend...

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#2 2009-02-17 13:48:00

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
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Re: The House In The Claws Of The Ivy

Very curious beginning, Hime, but nonetheless attention-getting.

  I appreciate the descriptions you use, and the turn of events begs further inquiry. Your setting seems to have a subtle tension that winds throughout your descriptions, and adds a foreboding feeling to the atmosphere, but we don't know enough about what is going on to verify the source of that feeling. Such tension only makes the scene more disconcerting and, for many readers, tantalizing. They'll be strongly inclined to read on, hoping to find out about the scream and the reason for your protagonist's state.

  Your chosen paragraph structure was a little distracting, since you have dialogue from different individuals in the same paragraph. If you decide to have stronger or longer dialogue in the future, this structure could be your undoing. I also found a couple of sentences that might prove more enticing with a little more varied vocabulary, but that could also be chalked up to your writing style.

  Nevertheless this was a great beginning, and sets the tone of the story very well. I look forward to a continuation.

  Good job, Hime!


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#3 2009-02-18 14:01:45

Hoshiko.Hime
Member
From: In your closet... nice shirt.
Registered: 2008-12-29
Posts: 185
Website

Re: The House In The Claws Of The Ivy

Thank you. Yeah, I never really use paragraphs, since I'm used to writing stories up in my journal, so I tried to make an effort this time. Heh. The continuation might take awhile, since Devin and I are co-writing a different series at the moment.


Lights out.Boys sleepwalking on the weekend.Black out.Two nights killing off a best friend.Nights out.Girls keep walking on the east end.White out.Two lights shining on a dead end.Drawn out.Like circles trailing off the pavement.Stand out.Don’t stop marching till the hearts mend...

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#4 2009-02-18 14:51:26

katz
Member
Registered: 2009-01-29
Posts: 11

Re: The House In The Claws Of The Ivy

A very interesting beginning, Im curious to see what happens. Well done. smile

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