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#1 2009-07-20 23:35:09

Totalimmortal
HAHAHAHA...get it?
Registered: 2007-06-01
Posts: 4857

Something I Wrote! (It's pretty rough, don't be too harsh!)

NOTE: This doesn't involve werewolves, but I'd like to post it here anyways since it's a section for writing!  It does however contain a taking coyote...I guess that kinda counts! tongue  Also, this is a short excerpt from a fairly long piece that I'm hoping will be an entire novel!


The forest was shrouded in a light mist, some of the brightest stars dimly shining through it in the blackened night sky.  I could still see my hand in front of my face, so I considered it okay to take a walk.  Besides, I knew this place better than everyone else in this dumb hick town.  It was my sanctuary.  This is where I escaped from the stupid rednecks each day.
    I walked the path I usually did, a simple strip of dirt and rock that was, for some reason or another, bereft of any growth.  To me, this was strange, because the rest of this place was full of plant life.  Aside from this simple path, there was pretty much grass growing on top of grass (or so it appeared).  I would guess that the path is manmade, but as to why it somehow escaped the ever-growing vegetation . . . well . . . that was a mystery.  I’m the only one I know of that walks through this place on a regular basis, so it can’t be constant foot and/or bicycle traffic.
    I continued my trek, feeling the hard outlines of the rocks on my cheap Wal-Mart-bought shoes.  Personally, it didn’t bother me.  It simply reminded me of the fact that I was in my quote-on-quote “happy place”, so why would it get on my nerves?
    The mist thickened into a dense fog pretty quickly, catching me a little off-guard.  I could only see for about a yard ahead of me now, and, like the fool that I am, I thought it was still okay to take my usual walk.  Yes, I know: Stupid idea.  Shoulda just gone home, waited ‘til later to go walking, blah blah blah. 
    The fog was now so incredibly thick that I was having extreme difficulty even seeing two feet in front of me.  I looked down at the ground, and couldn’t even see that.  This, of course, triggered a whole slew of paranoid thoughts. 
    Was it normal not to see the ground when it was foggy?  Why did the air begin to somehow feel different?  Why could I now see absolutely nothing but a dull gray all around me?  Something strange was goin’ down, and I didn’t like it.
    I walked a little farther, though I felt I was floating rather than truly walking.  The fog bean to clear a little ahead, and light began to shine through.
    Bright light.
    Daylight.
    All of a sudden, I felt solid ground beneath me.  The sensation of walking on air ceased.  This caused me to look down.  My dirt path had become grass…grass that was a bright shade of green I didn’t even know was natural.  It was completely and utterly indescribable.  I looked ahead of me.  The fog had completely cleared, and I was in a forest that was utterly alien to me.
    As you would expect, I freaked out.  Yes, I, the hateful and spiteful Johnny Wilson, who was widely known throughout his hometown of Greenleaf Alabama as “that Satanist guy”, freaked out.  Hell, I freaked out beyond freaking out.  I practically had a full-blown mental breakdown.
    I started running through the odd, navy-blue colored trees, screaming my head off like a frightened topless bleach-blond cheerleader in a bad masked-killer movie from the eighties.  I knew acting like this wouldn’t help at all, but I was also terrified beyond the point of realizing that. 
    The farther I ran, the more my lungs began to sting, my breathing becoming deep heaves.  My legs were starting to quiver violently, and my mouth felt as if it was drying out.  I dropped to the ground, coughing and hacking.  My heart felt as if it was going to beat itself out of my chest and run off.  It appeared my brief period of insanity was over.
    I surveyed my surroundings, trying to get an idea of what kind of place this was.  The trees were quite large, reaching at least a hundred feet.  The bark, as stated before, was a deep blue.  The leaves were bright orange, the branches and trunks very thin.  It was a miracle that these trees weren’t bending all over themselves.  I looked down at the ground, staring in awe at the brownish-purple soil and the bright green patches of grass.  Whatever this place was, at least it didn’t seem dangerous.
    I sighed, and looked up at the yellow sky ahead of me.  The sun looked pretty much just like the sun back home, only it looked like it had a slight oval shape to it.  I pondered how this was possible for a little while . . . until, of course, I had heard a rustling behind me.
    I shot up quickly, and pressed myself against one of the tall, thin trees.  They weren’t quite big enough around to conceal me, but I hoped it would do an adequate job of hiding me.  I didn’t want some alien animal or thing to see me and end up posing a threat.  I heard it walking near, soft footfalls becoming progressively louder.  My heart began to throb again, and my muscles started to tense.  It seemed another panic attack was imminent.
    “Stay calm,” I shakily whispered to myself.  “Stay cool.”
    I chanced a look behind me to see what was close…and to my surprise, it was something completely normal.  A small, brown coyote.  The only thing strange about it was the reddish color of the animal’s eyes.  It seemed to be coming in my direction no longer, and I sighed with relief, flopping back onto the ground, sitting against the back of a tree.
    “At least there’s something vaguely recognizable here,” I said to myself, chuckling a little.  I closed my eyes for a few seconds . . .
    . . . and then I felt a wet, cold nose sniffing my face.  This, obviously, startled them open.  I yelped and jumped up.  The sniffer, who happened to be the crimson-eyed coyote, backed away.
    To my surprise, it apologized for scaring me, which simply ended up making me even more freaked out than I already was.
    “Sorry about that,” it said.  “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
    “Where the hell am I?” I blurted out, suddenly not really giving a damn that I was somehow talking to this thing anymore. Really, I’d already seen enough in the past few minutes.  Why would this faze me?
    The thing’s eyes widened, startled.  “Well, you’re in . . . uhh . . . a forest-“
    “Yeah, but where!?”
    “Uh-“
    “Because if I somehow ended up in gently caressin’ Narnia or something, I’m going to be really, REALLY pissed off.”


I'll come down and get you high.  Maybe sing you a lullaby.  Sing you to sleep, a sleep you'll never wake from.  Sing you to coma, so to speak.

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#2 2009-07-21 00:07:04

White Wolf
Dreamer of the East [Moderator]
From: "Southern" Florida
Registered: 2009-04-21
Posts: 18155
Website

Re: Something I Wrote! (It's pretty rough, don't be too harsh!)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Keep writing this! I love how it's realistic in the way that the character talks, thinks, acts, etc. but also blatantly funny in the situation he finds himself in. Great!


Nos totus take diversus semita ut a similis fortuna per sapientia, vires, quod fides in divinus nostrum maioribus socius.

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#3 2009-07-22 20:41:55

Black Shuck
Member
From: Moab, Utah
Registered: 2005-07-26
Posts: 8394
Website

Re: Something I Wrote! (It's pretty rough, don't be too harsh!)

Nice!

I agree with White (on both counts!). Keep writing because I wanna know where he is and what's gonna happen yikes

I also love how real it is. The dialogue doesn't sound like it's forced and the descriptions are like how someone would describe this you if they were really talking to you. I guess in short this is a great beginning because it's like your character is actually talking with us, *telling* us the story smile

Please keep going! big_smile


"Would you love a monsterman?
Could you understand beauty of the beast?
I would do it all for you, would you do it all,
Do it all for me?" -Lordi

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#4 2009-07-23 10:29:42

Bluemoon
Member
From: Shadows of Insomnia Castle
Registered: 2009-06-18
Posts: 34

Re: Something I Wrote! (It's pretty rough, don't be too harsh!)

Very descriptive, and funny.  Keep writing please!


Booms are for bombs. Pows are for punches!
Know how to wield a weapon, then your a survivalist.

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#5 2009-07-23 10:52:21

Vindicator
Seer of the West [Moderator]
From: The Desert West of the Rockies
Registered: 2009-04-30
Posts: 17922
Website

Re: Something I Wrote! (It's pretty rough, don't be too harsh!)

Hey that is great TM. I enjoy the humor you place inside it as well as your characters voice. Keep it up. smile


"What makes a monster and what makes a man?" ~Bells of Notre Dame.

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#6 2009-07-28 13:16:59

Grayle
Literary Lycanthrope
From: My Desk. Duh.
Registered: 2007-09-04
Posts: 2006
Website

Re: Something I Wrote! (It's pretty rough, don't be too harsh!)

Your conversational narrative is very refreshing and entertaining, Totalimmortal. I enjoyed the vivid descriptions of this strange place and the varied vocabulary used in the passage.
I also appreciated the lack of wisdom or knowledge from the talking coyote. Instead of being a new familiar or something, giving enigmatic explanations or riddles to the new arrival, he wasn't exactly the Good Witch of the North, if you take my meaning. It was rather refreshing.

  I did notice a few spelling issues, and there's really no need to put spaces between the three periods. that being said, your word usage was wonderful, descriptive and varied.

  I enjoyed reading this.


To thy known wolf be true...


"Yay! We're Doomed!"  -- Gir

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#7 2009-08-05 01:32:00

Totalimmortal
HAHAHAHA...get it?
Registered: 2007-06-01
Posts: 4857

Re: Something I Wrote! (It's pretty rough, don't be too harsh!)

Thanks you guys! big_smile I really appreciate the feedback.  Also, can you point out the spelling errors please? smile

oh, and here's another part.
(I'm going to just post select scenes btw, until I've edited it up a bit and am comfortable with it....)

------------------------------------


I wandered to the very edge of the woods and found some loose lumber on the ground.  After gathering what I thought was a sufficient amount of timber (three thick, huge branches, four or five sticks, and a bunch of twigs), I began the exciting process of starting a fire through friction.  The coyote had returned and was laying down by the time I’d gotten back, a bloodied dead rabbit in front of it, and was now watching me do this, a look of befuddled amusement on his face.  I wanted to berate him for it, but then again, if it was he who was doing this I’d probably be the one making fun, thus I had no right to.
    “What are you doing?” he asked, almost laughing.
    “Making a fire,” I grunted.
    “How is that going to make a fire?”
    “Shut up.”  Growing extremely impatient, I began to rub the sticks together at a friskier pace, hoping that it would ignite them faster.  Of course, this wasn’t working at all, only making my arms tired.  Eventually, I gave up, releasing a very loud and frustrated scream.  I threw the sticks as hard as I possibly could, and they went soaring over Elijah’s head and back into the forest from which they had come.
    “Why do you want a fire anyways?” the coyote asked.
    “I want to cook this rabbit,” I said.  “Unlike you, if I eat uncooked meat I risk a horribly agonizing death.”
    “You’re weird,” it said, laughing a little.  “You want me to start one for you?”
    “And how precisely are you going to do that?”
    “Like this.”  The animal got up and walked to the pile of sticks and twigs and appeared to be giving them a stare-down.  He said a few words that I perceived to be gibberish, and just as I was about to ask him what they meant, flames came bursting out of his mouth and the wood was ignited in an instant.  My jaw just kind of absentmindedly hung where it was.
    “There.”  He went to the place where he was sitting before, and laid down.  “A fire.  I can’t do this very often though.  It drains me.”  Elijah pawed at the rabbit he’d gotten for himself, hooking his claws into it and dragging it to where he could eat it.  I watched his jaws rip into the animal, pulling out bright red muscle, a few entrails falling out.  Disgusted, I looked away.  I realized that it probably didn’t matter much, as I was going to have to skin mine with my switchblade which I’d very conveniently shoved into my pocket earlier this afternoon.  Strange how that worked out, eh?
    I wondered if I could even do it, having no prior experience with skinning something.  I probably should have paid more attention to my uncle during those boring camping trips when he’d tried to teach me how to do stuff like this, but like the asshole I was, I ignored him.  Looks like I was finally feeling the ramifications of my horrible attitude.  I took my knife out of my left pants pocket, and kind of stared at it for a little while.  Then, I made the attempt.  To my surprise, I was pretty successful.  It took some time, but eventually the cute li’l bunny was ready to have a stick shoved in his body so I could cook it rotisserie style.
    I wish I had had a little pepper though...ya know, for flavor.

Last edited by Totalimmortal (2009-08-05 01:32:29)


I'll come down and get you high.  Maybe sing you a lullaby.  Sing you to sleep, a sleep you'll never wake from.  Sing you to coma, so to speak.

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#8 2009-08-05 06:38:39

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: Something I Wrote! (It's pretty rough, don't be too harsh!)

haha,this is amazing.I didnt have much time to read stories,so i havnt read this til*looks at clock*6:37 am.I got bored,thought"hey,the cafe has stories I could read"and came here.sry for the rambling....anyway,i want to see more,keep it coming.


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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