ooh awsome!!sounds like something a kid tries to find...if you get my meaning.

Oh can I just say, the character is not me. I just wanted to write in 1st person

Intriguing!  You are very descriptive in this passage, I hope to see more soon.

ok, it's a bit quirky, not bad, but slightly bit tame so far, for my taste, course, it takes confidence and talent like yours, to let others see one's work.

Interesting I like the plot development and it is unique. Do you want any constructive feedback on these passages?

Honestly alot of this seems kinda of like the harry potter world but without the organization in the way various mystical elements are implemented. In other words it feels a little like you just decided to throw in magical elements wherever without much thought toward having them make sense.

Also, more importantly as far as writing in general, try putting in details, make the reader sense the surroundings. and also the sequence of events seems to progress too quickly. Put in more dialogue and think about what it would be like to be one of the major protagonists for a scene and the process of what you would do and what would go through your head in going from point A to point B in the sequence.

Honestly what I'm trying to say is it just feels rushed.

“Why can I go?� I asked.
He growled. “Why did I open my big mouth?â€�  He muttered under his breath.
“What is over the River?� I demanded.
“Alright, alright� He breathed “It is the Daemon Leaders territory and as they are getting weaker no one can go� he explained.
“So-� I began.
“End of conversation� he snapped
“Ok then� I said slowly.
“Can-� I began.
“Please no more questions� he pleaded.
“Ok� I obeyed.
We arrived back at the Stables. I looked at my watch and gasped.
“What’s wrong� he growled, eyes flickering everywhere.
“Its 4:30PM� I began “I’m late-I missed school and I am late for going home.
“I can get a favour� he said, his eyes filled with mischief.
Next thing I knew I was standing in front of a Witch Stall called ‘Rent-A-Broom’
“So� the Witch muttered in a surprisingly normal voice “do you know, how to ride a broom�
“N-� I began.
“Of course she does� Moon-Struck interrupted with great mischief in his voice.
“Ok then� The Witch said with much enthusiasm. A very tall and strong Man picked me up. He had black hair and golden eyes. He then froze. Moon-Struck was growling and snarling at him. The Man did the same. Then the Man put his big, strong arm up, I felt the coldness of his body. His arm was going down to try it grab me by the throat but Moon-Struck turned into his Wolf Man form and lunged at me. The force pushed me out of the Man’s arms and onto the broom. The Broom whooshed out of the market and, as I shouted home, it suddenly turned up and went for a hole in the Cavern ceiling. It raced through it and as I saw my house I shouted as loud as I could “That one� as I pointed to my house.
It flew to my door step and whooshed off.
I waited as I steadied myself then heard my Mum shout out of the window “Where have you been young lady!�
“If I told you, you would not believe me� I muttered.
“What was that!� she shouted.
“Slow school day and my um… friends told me about a party and it took me ages to tell them I couldn’t go� I shouted back up.
“I’ll find out what really happened later� She said.
I went inside. My Dad was still at work. The phone rang and I quickly ran to get it.
“Hello� I said cheerfully.
“Hi it’s Janet� I heard the familiar voice “where were you?�
“You would not believe me if I told you� I muttered.
“Of course I would!� She replied.
“I’m not telling� I said teasingly.
“Awe� she replied. “Anyway wanna go to the skate park, I heard Tom is gonna try a 360 twist on his skate-board on Friday at 4:30pm.�
“Well of course I’m comin’ why wouldn’t I?� I said.
“Maybe in you’re wacky day you met someone� she said.
“Oi do-� I began but Janet put the phone down.
I groaned at what she thought. I wished I was still with him in his mystical world.
I wondered if I would meet him again tomorrow. I’ll ask him if when I throw the stick then he come. Yeah I will do that! I thought.

Shena Longclaw wrote:

I write my stories usually at midnight

that is why it is not my best work.
This is part of one of my stories I wrote at ten

Wolf Story
Chapter 1
The Beggining
One cold day, a week before spring on Amethyst Mountains a little, male grey wolf cub been born. He was called Rex and he was a light but dark brown wolf with little bits of black and white. His dad was called Fang and he was a deep, dark black that with his pack matches his personality but was really quite gentle. His mum, Sarah, on the other hand was a very light brown with bits of white. His dad was the leader of the pack and their pack was called Full Moon. His mother was the one of only 5 females who helped with the hunting while the other 15 females looked after the cubs. As a cub,     Rex was Adventuress and loved adventuring Amethyst Mountains.

One day in late Spring, Rex went out to the mountains with his best friend, Bella, who was light brown with bits of white, because he had found a new place. The place was a big, huge mountain “what is so special about it, it’s just like all the other mountains, snowy� Bella said unimpressed
“Bella, it isn’t the mountain, it’s what’s over the mountain� shouted Rex as he ran up the steep mountain.
When they got to the top of the mountain, Bella stared down in amazement. She was looking at the most beautiful place she had ever seen. It had trees, food everywhere so they could never go hungry and rabbits to chase everywhere, it was brilliant. Bella and Rex played all day nearly, running, chasing rabbits and one or two
Coyotes.
A few days past and one time when they went to their special place there was a cave with dark, moving figures. So they ran to get a better look and maybe even go inside. They ran and ran until they saw what was in because when they did Rex and Bella just wanted to run back.

I've finished this with 8 chapters