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#1 2009-11-19 13:04:25

Fenrik Malifex The White
The Broken One
From: where ever the winds take me
Registered: 2009-04-02
Posts: 3489

My Book

this is the prologue for the book i am writing. i hope you enjoy it so far. i may post chapters as well.the prologue is kinda short though



Prologue: It is a time of rejoicing, for the female dragons of the colony have laid eggs. The Guardian dragons Zephyrus and Istaros have come down from their mountain to see the eggs; suddenly they stop at a certain nest.
The dragons Zephyrus and Istaros look at each other and exchange knowing looks. They feel the power these dragonets will possess when they hatch and fly off to talk to Ragnarok and Argorok about these dragonets. But the great dragon gods do not say much besides a prophecy that states one will rise above all the others and free this world of pain, evil, and greed. Then Zephyrus and Istaros are sworn to secrecy until sent a signal that will mean they can reveal it to the colony.


I'm like a broken blade, used to many times to be repaired, too many pieces of my shattered being to be mended, cast aside by those close to me. Broken, abandoned, Betrayed, disgraced...
But soon all who wrong me will discover that even a broken blade can kill...

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#2 2009-11-19 13:41:55

fangsofsorrow
lonesome protector
From: the darkest corners of my soul
Registered: 2009-10-09
Posts: 2488

Re: My Book

interesting


im bi.... can you blame me?

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#3 2009-11-19 13:44:16

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: My Book

*claps* i want to see more


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#4 2009-11-19 14:01:27

fangsofsorrow
lonesome protector
From: the darkest corners of my soul
Registered: 2009-10-09
Posts: 2488

Re: My Book

me too


im bi.... can you blame me?

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#5 2009-11-19 16:11:36

Fenrik Malifex The White
The Broken One
From: where ever the winds take me
Registered: 2009-04-02
Posts: 3489

Re: My Book

kewl. if a few more people comment i will consider posting the first chapter


I'm like a broken blade, used to many times to be repaired, too many pieces of my shattered being to be mended, cast aside by those close to me. Broken, abandoned, Betrayed, disgraced...
But soon all who wrong me will discover that even a broken blade can kill...

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#6 2009-11-19 16:17:20

RX Queen
bored and all erotic
From: Tulsa, OK
Registered: 2009-11-18
Posts: 459
Website

Re: My Book

It's good. I'm already interested in seeing how the dragonet will change the world!


It's hard to scream with a throat full of glass

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#7 2009-11-19 16:50:04

stoicfortitude
Member
From: my own little world...
Registered: 2009-09-25
Posts: 394

Re: My Book

This is great! ( though thats not saying much as i read almost everything. still great though!)

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#8 2009-11-19 17:59:10

fangsofsorrow
lonesome protector
From: the darkest corners of my soul
Registered: 2009-10-09
Posts: 2488

Re: My Book

post it


im bi.... can you blame me?

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#9 2009-11-20 12:11:49

Fenrik Malifex The White
The Broken One
From: where ever the winds take me
Registered: 2009-04-02
Posts: 3489

Re: My Book

XD give me some time. i like proof reading beofre i post stuff


I'm like a broken blade, used to many times to be repaired, too many pieces of my shattered being to be mended, cast aside by those close to me. Broken, abandoned, Betrayed, disgraced...
But soon all who wrong me will discover that even a broken blade can kill...

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#10 2009-11-20 12:32:33

Fenrik Malifex The White
The Broken One
From: where ever the winds take me
Registered: 2009-04-02
Posts: 3489

Re: My Book

OK here is chapter one. it's kinda short since i'm still trying to find out how to make it longer with dragging it along. anyway here yall go



Chapter One:
It was a misty morning in the mountains the humans called the Himalayas. It has been the hiding place of the largest colony of dragons on earth. Today was a very special day for the dragons, because it was a hatching day! To all 4 dragons eggs will hatch and unknown by the dragons a prophecy will be made about them. These are the most powerful dragons to hatch on earth yet and these certain dragonets (baby dragons) will be able to shape the world into what they wish for they will have the power to do so. But the colony doesn’t know of this prophecy so they think is just another lovely hatching, for this is the hatching of Firedrake’s and Mithrimi’s son and daughter, Drakasrot’s and Kiriel’s daughter, Mokaras’s and Firrasael’s daughter.
As the dragons watch so do the dragon gods (yes the dragons have all knowing all seeing gods figures just like us humans) but one in particular is watching. Known as Nightmare by his father and 2 brothers he watches intently on the son of Firedrake and Mithrimi. Soon they start to rock back and forth slowly, then faster and faster until the crack a little bit as the dragonets break out of the eggs. A dragonet breaks free, she sends out a mental message “I Am Kirrikuth!!!”   Drakasrot and Kiriel’s daughter has hatched. Then came Mokaras’s and Firrasael’s daughter who says her name is Emraldras. Now only 2 eggs remain. First came Mithrimi’s and Firedrake’s son. He is part Starshield from his mom, and part Prismatic from his dad. He proclaims himself to be Sarios. Then came his sister who calls herself Lapislazuliz. They welcomed to the colony and go off with their parents to have their first meal. They won’t learn how to talk for a few years to they use the minds to communicate. In 12 human years the dragonets will be taught how to fight and defend themselves just like all dragons are when they reach that age and then their abilities will start to come out.


I'm like a broken blade, used to many times to be repaired, too many pieces of my shattered being to be mended, cast aside by those close to me. Broken, abandoned, Betrayed, disgraced...
But soon all who wrong me will discover that even a broken blade can kill...

Offline

 

#11 2009-11-20 12:32:33

Fenrik Malifex The White
The Broken One
From: where ever the winds take me
Registered: 2009-04-02
Posts: 3489

Re: My Book

OK here is chapter one. it's kinda short since i'm still trying to find out how to make it longer with dragging it along. anyway here yall go



Chapter One:
It was a misty morning in the mountains the humans called the Himalayas. It has been the hiding place of the largest colony of dragons on earth. Today was a very special day for the dragons, because it was a hatching day! To all 4 dragons eggs will hatch and unknown by the dragons a prophecy will be made about them. These are the most powerful dragons to hatch on earth yet and these certain dragonets (baby dragons) will be able to shape the world into what they wish for they will have the power to do so. But the colony doesn’t know of this prophecy so they think is just another lovely hatching, for this is the hatching of Firedrake’s and Mithrimi’s son and daughter, Drakasrot’s and Kiriel’s daughter, Mokaras’s and Firrasael’s daughter.
As the dragons watch so do the dragon gods (yes the dragons have all knowing all seeing gods figures just like us humans) but one in particular is watching. Known as Nightmare by his father and 2 brothers he watches intently on the son of Firedrake and Mithrimi. Soon they start to rock back and forth slowly, then faster and faster until the crack a little bit as the dragonets break out of the eggs. A dragonet breaks free, she sends out a mental message “I Am Kirrikuth!!!”   Drakasrot and Kiriel’s daughter has hatched. Then came Mokaras’s and Firrasael’s daughter who says her name is Emraldras. Now only 2 eggs remain. First came Mithrimi’s and Firedrake’s son. He is part Starshield from his mom, and part Prismatic from his dad. He proclaims himself to be Sarios. Then came his sister who calls herself Lapislazuliz. They welcomed to the colony and go off with their parents to have their first meal. They won’t learn how to talk for a few years to they use the minds to communicate. In 12 human years the dragonets will be taught how to fight and defend themselves just like all dragons are when they reach that age and then their abilities will start to come out.


I'm like a broken blade, used to many times to be repaired, too many pieces of my shattered being to be mended, cast aside by those close to me. Broken, abandoned, Betrayed, disgraced...
But soon all who wrong me will discover that even a broken blade can kill...

Offline

 

#12 2009-11-20 12:58:23

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: My Book

ooo


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#13 2009-11-20 13:02:08

Fenrik Malifex The White
The Broken One
From: where ever the winds take me
Registered: 2009-04-02
Posts: 3489

Re: My Book

...


I'm like a broken blade, used to many times to be repaired, too many pieces of my shattered being to be mended, cast aside by those close to me. Broken, abandoned, Betrayed, disgraced...
But soon all who wrong me will discover that even a broken blade can kill...

Offline

 

#14 2009-11-20 13:10:03

Moonfur
Dragon-kin
From: My world of mist and shadow.
Registered: 2009-01-02
Posts: 7498

Re: My Book

wat?me likes....of course.its about dragons


"In the time it took for you to walk down one little hallway,I went to London,got my head blown off,and came back."-Schrodinger-Hellsing "Now lets go die like mangy dogs!"-bernadotte-hellsing "Please Mr. Bernadette,do not smoke inside me."-Seras-hellsing

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#15 2009-11-23 17:37:55

bdk336
Member
Registered: 2009-03-31
Posts: 277
Website

Re: My Book

looks interesting, and I know this is a first draft, but I need to point out a few things about the structure that detract from enjoyment of the actual story. You probably won't be as concerned as I am about each and every little error in a line but please listen to what I have to say regardless. I know that several paragraphs on what you did wrong isn't nice to read but the fact is what a person did can often be expressed much more easily than what they didn't do.

Many of the lines are somewhat crude, catching the reader in the actual words rather than what they depict; you often use the same word more than necessary in a sentence and put in clunky phrases such as "because it was" or "will be made about them." There are also a few plain grammatical errors such as using a plural "they" to refer to a singular thing "the colony." But I recognize that these are issues which are common to first drafts and which I only avoid in my own writing because I'm constantly looking for them at the expense of time efficiency. So don't pay too much attention to this part.

That being said let me say the two things that really disrupted my enjoyment of the narrative, which, mind you, looks like it has a fair amount of potential.

The first issue that really jumped out at me I see again and again even in professional writing (many professional writers actually have atrocious grammar but have good editors). The narrative wobbles between past and present tense throughout it's entire length. It is extremely disorienting to the reader when things suddenly start happening in the past when the present tense has been used for several lines. It isn't necessary to always use the standard past tense in your writing but unless it is a short pros piece or poem and the swapping of tenses is intentional you should always pick a single tense and stick to it. Granted you can switch tenses in longer pieces in order to intentionally disrupt the flow of thought but this is a technique that should be used sparsely.

The other problem I had that stopped me from really getting into the story or even forming a good image is that you tell it as a bare sequence of events (eg. this happened, then this happened, then that happened) rather than a colorful narrative. There are few details and, more importantly, almost every sentence is designed for the express purpose of covering the key points and moving on. If the story moves too swiftly the reader will easily get the key points but they will have no real concept of the characters or emotions concerning the plot.

Also one other small thing, in writing you should always use the name of a number rather than the numeral character. Using single characters is ok in forum posts and chats but not in formal writing.

Once again I apologize for the length of this and for sounding so critical. I like to help people avoid common mistakes and maximize their potential and I'm working on giving critical advice in a less critical fashion.

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