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#1 2010-03-30 10:57:47

Divine_Striker
Member
From: Nowhere
Registered: 2010-03-29
Posts: 22

Can I get some feedback b4 I write?

I think this could be an epic tale. I just need some feedback first...



A young man named James Matthews lives a happy life. Physically gifted and handsome by every definition of the word, he has many friends, and no enemies brave enough to speak against him. Deeply in love with his best friend Bridget, and close to her brother Uri, He has nothing to worry about. His muscular frame, dark black hair, and deep brown eyes allow him to talk his way into out out of any situation, and his friends keep him on solid ground.

But on his eighteenth birthday, things go horribly wrong. He decides to play manhunt with the local teens in his neighborhood. Hunters Vs. Runners, his favorite game. But as they are playing he finds that something is changing. Something...is stirring in him. Running faster than normal, he reaches the checkpoint. To his surprise, he hears something loud and clear.

A heartbeat?

He looks to the source of the sound and finds his best friend waiting for him. Uri, tells him he is a real hunter, and that he is here to kill the abomination. James is forced to fight him off, and returns to the playing field to find everyone dead. To include his love...Bridget.

Uri appears behind him and explains he had no choice. He had to be sure. James swears to kill him. Uri smiles and tells him he will give him a two year head start. Embracing him one last time as a friend, he turns and walks away.

Fast forward, James has unlocked his potential in a Russian town of turncoat slayers. A group of hunters who decided to betray the humans and help The Fallen.

Along the way, James meets a young man named Jon Cullin. A young man from England. He quickly discovers that Jon is what legend calls a vampire. Some legends call them reapers. But he explains a deeper truth. He is a son of the fallen.


[Jon explains the history of their species]

"Over a thousand years ago there was a great war. The fallen were against the angels of the Lord. It was a horrible war James...So many dead. After the carnage, the Angels wept over the bodies of The fallen. Their tears mixed with the blood, and began the birth of The sons of The Fallen. Born from the tears of the saints, and the blood of the demons, we were charged with the duty of aiding souls in their journey to the afterlife. But we were born of blood, and we must replenish our life source. Some of us were ruthless however...hunting humans for pleasure. Lost in ephemeral pleasures, they became the Vampires of legends. The rest of us remained hidden, doing our job. We were known as The Reapers. But The Fallen came back, being immortal it was only a matter of time until they returned. Seeing the mess of the Vampires, they made a new breed of hunter. Mixing their blood with that of a wolf, there came Were-Wolves. Bane of the Vampire. Thus is the story of our war..."

[WIP]


I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you; when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you...

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#2 2010-04-18 07:36:05

lonewolf13
Member
From: a time long forgotten
Registered: 2009-06-12
Posts: 161

Re: Can I get some feedback b4 I write?

wow nice work please write more
smile


"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. ...In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only truth...."
    Alphonse Elric --- Fullmetal Alchemist

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#3 2010-04-20 12:44:18

Curtis
New member
From: Wichita, ks
Registered: 2009-03-10
Posts: 9
Website

Re: Can I get some feedback b4 I write?

good idea for a story.  develope it and see where it goes.  you may want to write an outline just to keep the story on track.

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#4 2010-04-20 16:30:02

ShadowWolf2010
Member
From: TN
Registered: 2010-01-17
Posts: 484
Website

Re: Can I get some feedback b4 I write?

This sounds fascinating! I agree with Curtis: outline and flesh out your characters and histories. However, don't be afraid to allow characters and histories to grow and change and flex as they become more and more solidified in your texts. You have a good start! Keep it up!


--Tony
"Woof."

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#5 2010-04-28 14:46:12

Divine_Striker
Member
From: Nowhere
Registered: 2010-03-29
Posts: 22

Re: Can I get some feedback b4 I write?

Haven't been on in a while...I didn't think this would go anywhere to be honest...Guess i'd better start working on outlines...=]


I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you; when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you...

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#6 2010-04-28 19:40:40

ShadowWolf2010
Member
From: TN
Registered: 2010-01-17
Posts: 484
Website

Re: Can I get some feedback b4 I write?

Don't give up the idea. You may be able to pick ideas from a failed concept to use at a later time in another story. smile


--Tony
"Woof."

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#7 2010-12-02 13:09:08

Afflicted.Soul
Member
From: Fayetteville, North Carolina
Registered: 2010-11-18
Posts: 137

Re: Can I get some feedback b4 I write?

Hey Striker...You doin anything with this concept?


Why didn't you just jump....

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#8 2010-12-02 14:04:40

Divine_Striker
Member
From: Nowhere
Registered: 2010-03-29
Posts: 22

Re: Can I get some feedback b4 I write?

Nah...I'm pursuing a different type of story now. Feel free to take it if you want.


I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you; when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you...

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